Fuck This Shit Im Out

Internal monologue of a teenage dirtbag

[securedsails]

sitting and reflecting on my year. 2025 has been the year of honesty. and it’s been horrible but my god. i couldn’t keep up

maybe for 2026 i’ll just sleep the entire fucking year and wake up to a clearer 2027

[securedsails]

i wish i wasn’t good at using my CBT tools. i want to fly off the handle and cause a scene. but i know it’s not productive. so instead ill just sit here and cry my eyes out until i can be reasonable

(i will never be reasonable)

[securedsails]

i’m gonna claw open my skin and pour my blood all over you, i’m gonna set my bones up in a throne for you, and after it’s all done, make my skin into a rug and use me every conceivable way. nothing matters anyways

[securedsails]

can’t be special if there’s nothing special about me

i love being replaceable. i love being a painting on the wall.

i wish it was like before, i wish things were different

i wish i was important again. i wish i was special again

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[securedsails]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(dats me yellin)

i’m gonna sabotage myself or others unless i figure out what this root problem is.

what if i just, ah ha, for funsies, went to a fucking psych ward for a week and just bit every doctor until they sedate me

i wanna scream. i miss being a teenager and just flying off the handle and losing my shit at everyone and everything. i miss the chaos.

instead i just sit here and quietly simmer and feel worse and worse and worse until idk, i die? i didn’t think that far

i feel like every time i open my mouth *im in the wrong* even if its my feelings. and instead i just brush it off and keep it moving. am i detaching? am i isolating? am i,,,, como se dice,,,,, so fucking crazy internally that it was doomed from the start.

“i choose to ignore you sabotaging until you say something”

okay cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt

why haven’t you told me you loved me in over a year without me prompting

why don’t you say nice things to me anymore

why am i less important than someone new

why

why

why

w

h

y

okay, gonna go cry on the clock and blame it on work

[securedsails]

i was *almost* special

i was *almost* wanted

i was *almost* there

crazy how good things just aren’t supposed to last i guess. better luck next time you fucking miserable idiot

[securedsails]

i’m gonna get so drunk and then not feel these feelings. i’m gonna get so out of touch with my body that i won’t know who i am until next week. i hate myself.

[securedsails]

i feel like a wild animal, and i wanna hold a piece of meat in my mouth and shake it around. i want to pour my own blood all over myself and walk around with my wrists slit open

anyways i’m feeling very normal today

[securedsails]

everything is glass and i am a hammer going 500 mph

welcome to the glass shop please watch your stop, and all i can manage to do is break everything

is it self sabotage or am i bored? who knows, not me.

i want to cry tears of blood and rip my teeth out one by one to show you how i feel. but all i can say “im gonna stop talking” and just, turn my phone off like a fucking coward. grow up grow up grow up

[securedsails]

i feel like i need to be foaming at the mouth and have blood dripping from my wounds. but i look the same and act the same.

hey siri am i going full psychotic break or can i like? sleep it off

[securedsails]

why do i feel like such a scumbag all the time, why am i like this?

full of dramatics and thematics, i need to be put down ah ha ha

[securedsails]

i wish my emotions wouldn’t go from 0-1,000 in under .5 seconds. i wish i could not have a gut reaction to anything. i’m so tired.

[daddyfuckedme]

[securedsails]

this is either gonna be great or the reason my homies have a bumper sticker with my face on it

[securedsails]

I’m just going to SCREAM

other people’s moms know how shitty mine is and they’re trying to make up for it

[claudinsky]

September2018.png

But it’s October now, babey! Ha ha ha!

[securedsails]

This year has already been off to a terrible start. The dreams, they’re consistent in people but the actions change. Not really nightmares but for sure not pleasant. Sometimes I wish I didn’t dream at all.

It’s all been one big cloud and I’m sure I’m just severely depressed. But it’s not getting better and it’s easier to just wallow than do anything about it. My personal clock is slowing down it’s ticking, the battery is wearing down. My parts are becoming rusty. Soon it will stop but the question is when.