•Wisp of a Writer•

it’s easy to forget that both sadness and happiness are fleeting; it’s easy to forget that both have value in that way

[seepingsadnesss]

You feel the gradual sinking

As the earth envelopes you

The dirt blankets your limbs

Covers your eyes

Weighs you down

So you have nowhere else to go

As the cells stop fighting for rebirth

And accept their fate

As the life that once flowed through you

Begins to destroy you

As the organisms begin to eat

Consuming your withering flesh

And leave your bones

For time’s destruction

You feign indifference

Forcing yourself to view as an outsider

Because you’re afraid

Once it’s all said and done

There will be no proof of your existence

Except new life in years to come

Because you hold on to a tragic hope:

The disappearance of this vessel

Fails to create new life

Instead

It reveals a void

One that explains the nagging emptiness

The aching nothingness

Reveals a deadly, poisonous disease

One that explains the incessant thoughts

The endless struggle

You feign indifference

As you lay in bed

Staring at a ceiling

Pretending you’re okay

While fantasizing about human decay

[seepingsadnesss]

It’s a fog

It comes gradually

It comes silently

It comes randomly and unexpectedly

It’s a fog

Not enough to be a soft embrace

But enough to be a whisper of a presence

My visibility is reduced to nothing but myself

As if nothing else

And no one else beyond exists

It tells me that continuing forward

Means falling off the edge of the world

It’s not quite rain

With a steady, tangible stream

Evidenced by being soaked to the bone

It’s just enough moisture

To leave me dry

Questioning if it’s real

There’s no getting around it

There’s only getting through it

Not quite knowing when I’ll reach the end

Or if there is an end to reach

Not quite knowing if I want to find it

There’s something about it

It draws me in

Asks me to sit for just a little while

And so I sit

[seepingsadnesss]

Sometimes there’s a part of me that aches with the desire to turn off and disconnect my brain and my heart. A desire to purely exist without the exhaustion that comes with their overactivity. A desire to inhale and finally feel like I got enough air to fill my lungs. A desire to close my eyes and finally just rest in the darkness.

[seepingsadnesss]

You’ve spent years giving everything away to everyone. No one had to ask and no one thought about what it cost you. Now you find yourself wondering when it’ll be your turn. When will someone give you the world just for breathing? Not because you’re pretty, not because you’re perfect, not because you’re a good person, not for any tangible reason besides a feeling that won’t fade away. When will someone pour into you what you’ve poured into everyone else?

[seepingsadnesss]

It’s deathly

The way it sneaks up on you

You think everything is okay

And you’re not breaking down in the early morning hours

But you begin to sleep the hours away

Because the days start feeling just a little too long

And you feel a little too alone w your thoughts

You begin neglecting the scattered clothes

The unread messages

The unmet friends

You begin eating a little less

Or forgetting meals throughout the day

And you can’t stand the thought of food

Or desserts you once craved

You begin thinking it’s too much effort to go outside

And before you know it

Everything feels just a little heavier

Than it did the day before

Until it becomes exhausting

Before you know it

Seconds of weakness

Become minutes

Hours

Days

And you’re adrift

In a dangerous, deadly sea

Carrying you further and further away

From any sense of stability

[seepingsadnesss]

“Either God, He hates my guts or maybe I’m just too far gone.”

-Flicker of Light by Lola Young

[seepingsadnesss]

“We had to grow up so quick

Killing the world in a click

Maybe we’re sick, sick in our bones

…

You look out the window and joke

“If I jumped

Do you think I would float?”

Can you hear

Me scream?

I look at the world

And I cannot breathe”

- Don’t Let Me Go by Tom Odell

[seepingsadnesss]

I feel her sitting there 

Arms hugging her knees to her chest

Trying to make herself as small as possible

Trying to be her own sense of warmth  

Tears rolling down her face 

Trying not to make a sound

Trying to feel the things she had to keep to herself

I feel how tightly her hands clench the pieces of us 

Desperately trying to keep everything together 

Deathly afraid of what will happen if she doesn’t 

I feel her exhaustion 

Shoulders curling into her chest 

Breaths shaky

Burdened by the immense weight she carries 

I feel her begging me to run away

 

I sit beside her

I unclench her fingers

And hold them in mine

As cracks begin to appear

As pieces begin to fall 

I hold her close

As the darkness

The loneliness

The memories

The thoughts

Envelop us

We let the tears fall 

We let ourselves take up space

We let ourselves scream 

We let ourselves give in 

I whisper soft reminders

The world hasn’t stopped or imploded

She was given the gift

The ability to feel the world in all of its shades of color

And I was made to nurture her 

We are good enough

We know how to pick up the pieces

How to fit them into this mosaic of us  

Proof we lived as intensely

As genuinely

As kindly as we could 

We sit together 

Trusting that when we’re ready

We’ll make it out of this

We sit together

Finally believing

There is a strength to be found

In one another 

[seepingsadnesss]

Part I

There’s a candle kindling inside

Embracing everything within its reach

In a warm glow

In a soft light

It seems as if it’s always been there

Its form molded by time

Evidenced by misshapen layers

Giving it character

Giving it life

Beauty

It holds memories

Created by the privileged two

It burns and w it

Comes the smell of home

The smell of a soft hug

The smell of a sleepy kiss

The smell of secrets whispered at night

The smell of a shared bed

Shared life

Shared dreams

And as hard as you try

You can’t remember the day

The spark became a gentle flame

Part II

There’s a scorching fire burning outside

Ashes drifting in the wind

Taking w it

Any evidence of what was

Burning any possibility

Of what would have been

There’s the stench of smoke

Sneaking into your lungs

The stench of an aching heart

The stench of a late night goodbye

The stench of sobs through the night

The stench of empty space

Absence

Abandonment

And it threatens to suffocate you

Pushing you into desperation

For some way to escape

But everything in sight

Is blindingly bright

Ablaze w a fury

Uncontainable

Uncontrollable

Unpredictable

And all consuming

Burning itself into a destructive darkness

Swallowing you up in the feeling of loss

Just the same

You can’t remember the day

The flame incited a fire

Part III

You spend what feels like seconds

But what easily becomes years

Consumed w finding answers

Explanations

Reasons

You don’t notice the smell

A snuffed out candle

Lost in the overwhelming reek of burnt remains

And the cold begins to set in

[seepingsadnesss]

I guess what I’ve always loved about rom coms is that it always seemed so easy to love someone and I’ve hoped that some day someone will find loving me to be just as easy.

[seepingsadnesss]

My hands shake

Overwhelmed w desire

To pull myself apart

Vessel by vessel

Skin off muscle

Muscle off bone

Limb by limb

Cell from cell

Atom from atom

Rip every single fiber of my being apart

Until there’s nothing left

But the all consuming

Aching

Endless

Abyss

That leaves me breathless

Dreamless

Loveless

Meaningless

Hopeless

I want to pull myself apart

In the most violent

Bloody

Messy

Catastrophic way I can imagine

And even that wont be enough

To ease my hands

To ease that desire

To ease my mind

And I find myself wondering

Why the abyss doesn’t have the mercy

To swallow me whole

Because I can’t keep trying to hold myself together

When the desire to do so

Has already be swallowed up

[seepingsadnesss]

March 24th, 2025

I stand there

Looking at all the pieces

That used to make up a heart

I stand there

Trying to understand how just seconds ago

It was whole

I stand there trying to find someone to blame

But knowing deep inside there’s only me

I stand there

Trying to understand

How I came to be this fragile

How I came to be so naive

How I could ever think it was okay to give something so precious away

Because no hands can ever be as good as my own

I stand there

Tears rolling down my face at what I’ve lost

Remembering how much work

How much time

How much hurt

Went into fixing it so long ago

I stand there

Telling myself to put it back together

But not moving a muscle

The well of hopefulness and warmth within me empty

I stand there

Wondering if I’m better off without it

[seepingsadnesss]

December 29, 2024

Tell me I’m enough for simply existing. Tell me that’s enough. Tell me I can stop trying to justify the fact that I breathe, that I take up space. Tell me. I can’t seem to tell myself without thinking it’s a comforting lie.

[seepingsadnesss]

May 27th

There’s a lot to say but no one to say it to. I think it…I sit w it…but part of me says that’s not true. I’ve surrounded myself w people who are willing to listen but how can they listen to someone unable to speak?

I used to have so much to say. Before I was told I talk too much, before I was told no one cares, and before my words seemed to be sucked into a void as if they had never existed. Before I knew it, without my written consent, some part of me started stopping the words from ever escaping my mouth. Before I knew it, I became reserved w my words. 

When he touched my body and stole it from me, I couldn’t utter a sound. When I was one small misfortune away from bleeding out, when the smallest part of me that wanted to survive was trying to scream for help, the only sounds made were screams muffled by pillows. Even today, I cry to myself. I hold myself together as poisonous words swirl around in the toxic sludge of my own head. I will myself to speak but my tongue lies motionless now that it’s fallen out of practice. I’m left to drown in the words that have no escape and I hate you all for it. 

You throw around the importance of mental health, you clap as strangers share their struggles w depression, you talk about therapy, you talk about the importance of making everyone feel valuable and I stand there. Silently, I watch as you share your enlightenment w everyone except the person who begged for it. Where was your enlightenment, where was your love when the knife laid beside my bed for you to see and you turned the other way. Where was your enlightenment, where was your love when I spilled my heart out w the last words I could find and you walked away as if you hadn’t heard a thing. Why was I left begging for just an ounce of love that was supposed to be guaranteed for me by the simple act of being born from your flesh. 

Without a voice, all I can do is silently pray. Pray that one day I find the key that unlocks my voice box. Pray that one day I can ask for help. Pray that one day I can let the words flow freely again without my brain screaming for me to stop w each sound. I pray that one day when words leave my mouth again, they’ll fall on kinder ears and even the smallest amount of this resentment, this shame, this sadness can be healed.

[seepingsadnesss]

you went through things that broke you

things that changed you

things hidden away inside you

they seep into your actions

your words

your thoughts

and sometimes

they leave you gasping for breath

as you drown in emotions you can’t keep away

yet

the world continues

uncaring

unmoved

unapologetic

it owes you nothing

there’s no one to blame

there’s nothing special about you

there’s no reason to unveil

life just happens

and you don’t know what to do with that

[seepingsadnesss]

it starts as a whisper

what if you’re not good enough?

and every attempt to silence it

only makes it louder

it echos through my mind

until it’s the only thought left

and I start to think

maybe it’s the truth

and everything I’ve said in the contrary

is the lie

[seepingsadnesss]

it aches to feel the void of what we were

and it hurts to think that I’m the only one who feels it

we rarely talk about it platonically

as if the only way to love is romantically

our souls embraced

in what felt like

what I hope was

forever

but now

it’s a blip in time

I can’t help but feel

as if you were pulling away

and I wonder

did I do something wrong?