I've recently moved back into my folks place after housesitting for my dad's friend for a while. Not happy to be back tbh but at least my cats are here.
I've probably stated this before but I haven't done anything kemetic-wise in what feels like years. I feel like I shouldn't approach the Netjeru cause I don't have anything to offer anymore that's meaningful.
I was going thru my gma's mail since she's on vacation and she gets a LOT of junk mail. I like to see if any of the stuff has stickers cause I'm a goblin. Anyway, she had something from an archeology museum and when I opened it up it had a little bookmark with various landmarks with some familiar figures at the bottom VVVV
I cut Them out, called Them by name, and placed the piece like so.
However, that big yellow thing in the bottom right there? That's a lil box I made while I was in a behavioral health unit last year. I forgot the purpose but when we made it we filled it with things we did that made us happy, idk.
I was curious and opened it up and was met with a heavy feeling that was just wrong. I can't even describe it myself but it just felt really wrong. Guilty. Unwelcome. Like I shouldn't even have the altar or something. Like I didn't deserve to worship them I guess.
I've found myself thanking the Netjeru more often, like Tefnut for wind and Set for storms. I cut wood with my dad and there's a spot where cows drink from a pond and I can't help but think of Hathor
But again, idk what to do about my faith atm, or how I could even rebuild relationships with the Netjeru. I can do little things for Them, sure, but I feel like it'd be wrong to try and approach Them again. Idk what to expect or do if I just threw myself back into worshipping again but it'd probably feel forced and disingenuous.
Another thing too is I carry guilt from putting a lot more love, time, and energy into a comfort character than I have for the Gods for the past year. That comfort character is Maid Marian and, well, just check out my main blog if u wanna cringe or whatever. I meditated like once with Bastet and She was fine with it but assured me I can still seek comfort from Them as well. But, being the ass that I am, I never really did and still go to Marian.
I don't expect anything to change or magically profound to happen from writing this. Just wanted to get it off my chest. If the Netjeru are still watching over me, I'd honestly prefer They take care of my friends and family because I don't want to be selfish. I don't even think I want Them to listen to me because why should They?
