sellotape

Musings of an absent mind.

[sel-otape]

7 deadly sins. Each with their own merit. I like 7, it’s a nice number, not rounded or finite in completion. I don’t know what this summer will bring me, but I am sure that I will not lose my seven. Its further from where I began. I want things to be good and right and for you to come here and wrap me up and act interested. I’m a pretty intense person, but i’m coming to terms with that. I just would like you in my life right now. This is kindof forced. I’m sorry. 

[sel-otape]

I feel hurt and I feel sad and I feel hurt all over. 

[sel-otape]

to text and confuse, what is left an ugly ruse of who I was. who we were. You have lifted me (literally) to new highs, and I thank you for that. I hope you don't leave my life just yet. NEED. to need, is to express desire of wanting. right? i'm fed up of not being needed. Desire with no want, where does that leave me? I'm not unhappy, I live a fruitful life. But I am not who i should be and that scares me. I want to be the person you see. I feel I am so walled and they struggle to come down, even during sex. I'm sorry about that. I'm just so used to people throwing me away. 

[sel-otape]

What is wrong with my mind... I cannot order my thoughts... What does this time at home hold for me? I need to see Henry, i will see henry. But will it be the same? Will we be sleeping together? I don't know. I want to speak to dylan. I want to kiss and cuddle dylan. But what about everything else. Why doesn't it work with us? Is it me? Am I broken? And what about miles? Will i finally want something when I see him? I just want Henry really. I want him all over me, all the time. I love him. Still. The thought of being with him again fills me with electricity. My heart is pumped too full it may break. I want them all ish. Dylan would be perfect. Oh dylan. I should probably stop fucking around. But the adrenaline is too much. I want to go out and meet someone new. I miss elliot. I miss greg. I miss good sex, and a cool glass of wine on a summers night. I miss libby. A lot. 

[sel-otape]

Dont you DARE play that game with me. Give me the truth this time. I miss you i love you, still dont you dare.

[sel-otape]

i just wish above all things people were honest. DON'T drag me down to your level of shit, if you think i'm going to hang around to wait for you to grow up, you are wrong. I'm tried of assholes thinking they can walk all over me! Take your 30 second limit and leave. NOT WANTED. 

[sel-otape]

you talk to me, i respond to you, though i feel like you’re subtly mocking me. taking ages to reply. would you still sleep with me. i want to see you in bristol when i’m back. but i won’t ask you, probably. do you think one day we’ll get married? Maybe. I’m not pretty enough for you though, and I know it. why can’t I concentrate? 

[sel-otape]

i'm becoming scared of falling asleep. I know I should go to the doctor, but I'm nervous about making an appointment here, and I don't know what they'll be like. What feels like half way through the night of me being asleep, I wake up, but i'm not awake. I'm convinced I can see someone in my room, I sit up to check, and become even more convinced as they move to look at me, but I can't make out a face. It's happened three times now, and yesterday I couldn't fall back asleep because I felt like she was watching me. I say she. That is who it always is, a woman with a dark black bob. The first time she was sat on my chair. But the past two times she's been by the door. I'm scared, even though I know it's not real. An apparition of anxiety? It is so terrifying, I can even feel myself talking, but its like I'm embarrassed. It's so weird. 

[sel-otape]

I go to uni in a month a month a month a month and I can't even bring myself to leave the house. I got through series 1&2 too quickly, and cook annoys me too much to watch series 3&4. I want sid, in my bed forever. I also want to get drunk and dance. OH fuck.

[sel-otape]

my dreams leave me feeling panicked and restless. Everything comes back to this. When did my vision become so obstructed. This is so fucked. Sid was talking about taking Cassie to Brandon Tower, and sitting with her, and just taking her all in, and putting his hand in her knickers. Which is kindof what we did really, except the feelings are all confused. Anyway I burst in to tears when he mentioned Brandon Hill. I'm worried about drinking, I think about it too much. And I feel hopeless, and lost, and lonely. Like theres no one out there. I want to be the other side of the world again, I liked it better that way. We didn't have to face reality there. 

[sel-otape]

anxiety is something i will over come. i will overcome this. i am strong. i am weak but i am strong. my tears show strength not affection. my two split halves show nothing but a pre existing split. i see no reason. i am broken, but i am strong.

[sel-otape]

Recently I have been so anxious that it just sits on my chest, my breathing has gotten worse and I often fail to remember to breathe in. My limbs go tingly, lack of oxygen I suppose. I can't breathe. Is that a sign of a failed human? One that has to remind herself to breathe? I want to leave and begin again. Who doesn't want that. I feel guilt for even feeling at all, but all of this wasn't begun by me. I am a byproduct of confusion, a complication of more complicated thought. I am an outward breath.

[sel-otape]

I have realised that when I am intimate with someone I rarely make eye contact, or even look at their face during our intimacy. I used to think this was nervousness, but now I realise that I feared that looking at their eyes whilst sharing this moment of intimacy, would show me things I didn't want to see. That my own intensity with the situation wouldn't be reflected back at me, that I wouldn't feel their emotional connection with our being. Or, that I would get caught. And fall into their gaze, remaining there until they saw fit to discard me. Now I stare back, I am hungry for him, I offer him my everything and he returns it. I have allowed myself to get caught up in it all. Eye contact is a connection even more intimate than sex. That's why people struggle to hold it. It reveals. The soul itself cannot lie where our mouths can. Cannot deceive where our ears can. Cannot betray where our limbs can. And it is from there that we build our connection. From soul to soul, body to body. Intertwined as much of mind as of body. We converge together, and I can't look away.

[sel-otape]

In this modern dystopian daydream we all seem to exist in now, i'm asking the age old question: what is love? Everyone asks this at some point. I have some understanding but recently have been forced to reflect. Is it something that flowers from nurturing? something that arises, however organically in a seemingly unorganic fashion of hard work and mutual affection. This seems a rather robotic response to a feeling, an emotional state, that is the cause of so much in our world. Love can be driven by inspiration and desire, by passion and circumstance. It is maintained through romance, through understanding. How is it that those 3 words terrify me so much. Is it commitment related? Or am I allowing myself to be too aware of what other people think and social pressure of an acceptable time within a relationship to confess love to oneanother. Interestingly the verb confess used to describe telling ones 'affectionate' their feelings inspires this idea of secrecy and negativity, when really love is one of the purest emotions. It is the driver of life, a reason to value and exist. L-o-v-e. I was born out of you, and I now exist within your realms. You provide, and you conquer.

[sel-otape]

we hope that all things will be everlasting right? call it naivety, call it ignorance, the appeal of longevity in anything enjoyed is basic human instinct. for some more than most. change brings fear, confusion, the unknown. I want to remain in this undisclosed state, breathing in breathing out. I want to remain. And I want this feeling, this wantant expectation and desire to exist forever. Or for as long as I want it to. Having two parties involved makes things complicated. How does one control the emotions of another? You can't. you just hope and pray that this isn't some summer daydream soon to disapate into autumn air, but will continue to exist for as long as your emotions and desires allow. what selfish creatures we are.

[sel-otape]

i love and hate the way smells are connected to people and memories. that one hint of someones scent and you are instantly drawn to that one evening or night together, lost in haze, the smell reminds you of sex, of closeness, of feeling his skin against yours, of breathing him in. some times i can smell him with out any stimulus, and i’m caught up in this day dream of him talking to me, and feeling his cum run down the inside of my leg. as i’m thinking, a customer asks me for another size in a knit and i’m torn out of my fantasy, laughing that a few seconds ago i was thinking about cum. now whenever i see him i imagine him inside me, his smell. everything about him is an invasion. he is one part i don’t think i’ll be able to shake off for a while. ‘just his 18 year old’ i think i am more than that. I hope that when i leave i have made an impact, that he misses me. thinks about me as much as i think about him. I want him to be happy, but i want him to wait for me. that is stupid. and isn’t it what everyone wants; to be in someone-you-have-feelings-for’s thoughts? at least i know i’m in his dreams.