there is just something so painful about the whole thing because of course you're aware that you're in late-stage capitalism and that this entire experience has been curated for you by the hyper-rich, but what the fuck are you going to do about it? you go to protests and you vote and you donate and you volunteer and you make your stupid little posts and you try, but then, like. you still have to go to work.
there is evidence that people can make it big, but you're not likely to be one of them. you're just... a person. you need to triple-check your schedule and you like the idea of organizational systems but you often lose the motivation to keep up with one after about a month.
the thing is that some people can do it. you just... can't. it seems like a bad joke: you need a job so that you can pay for your mental health care and then in therapy you talk about how the job is ruining your mental health. and everyone's response is just get another job (but also are annoyed we aren't staying in one job for longer than a few years). here's the thing - the other job doesn't really exist, or was only posted for legal reasons, or has been filled internally by some ceo's kid. and the things you're good at? the stuff you'd love to do for hours? that shit is never profitable.
for a while it was really popular for YA fiction to have, like, hogwarts houses. and this kind of always depressed you, because (in all honesty) you weren't actually the type to be able to fit into any of those incredibly-thin categories. there's nothing particularly ... special about you. you have a mediocre talent in a world that is ending. someone else with glasses (and clumsiness) will save the universe. you, in the meantime, need to figure out where the hell you're getting the $250 for a trip to the eye doctor so you in your glasses can fucking see.
and you're fucking miserable because you can't leave the workforce without risking your life (where the fuck are you getting your insurance from?) but you can't stay, it's ruining you. but also, if you do stay? you're seen as lazy, unmotivated, entitled. you have actually heard someone say "back in my day" and then, while they were talking, googled the average cost of a house and groceries during their college years. just to see.
god forbid you mention that you're unhappy. people always assume that means something about you. if you're unhappy and work in customer service or retail - well, you might as well say "i deserve to die immediately." nobody fucking cares if you want to just not be yelled at for 24 hours. you should have thought about that before taking the job! this is your fault that your manager is an incompetent asshole! stop taking sick days and just spread covid!!
you mention that actually you work in a good job, making good money, and you still feel like everything is too expensive and that there's genuinely no housing. and the other person just rolls their eyes and says you make yourself crazy. are you? this horrible sense in your body that you weren't supposed to be behind a desk. somehow, it's antithetical to you. but what else are you supposed to do?
so capitalism is working the way capitalists wanted it to, but like. you're living in the consequence. like they shrugged their shoulders and sold your future. you are the statistic mentioned in people are going to go hungry. houseless. without access to proper medical care or education.
and then you have to get the fuck up. and go to work again.
