Advice on jealousy of scars? Ive tried asking on forums, but my posts always get removed, but I really just want some advice :( I really struggle with jealousy of other peoples scars, and I feel really bad about it, bc i know often times people despise them. I feel a weird sense of happiness at my scars and want more, even though ive been clean for a year or more. Tips/advice would rrly be appreciated, ways to cope with these thoughts.
There are a lot of people who feel the same way you do! It's something that we have talked about on this blog a lot.
I think that it would be good for you to ask yourself what the scars mean to you. What do your scars mean to you? What do other people's scars mean to you? When you're comparing them, what else are you feeling or thinking?
I wonder of part of it is wanting to feel more valid. it could be related to validation from others, like if others saw your scars more you would feel like your feelings were more validated. It could even be related to yourself, maybe you feel like if your scars were worse, your struggles would be more valid. Or in comparing whose scars are worse, whose experiences are worse, and then who is more valid. Many people self harm because they have felt invalidated or ignored, and self harm makes it seem more real and visible.
Everyone has different opinions about their self harm. Lots of people do experience a lot of shame, because it's a behavior that is heavily stigmatized. Some people don't. That difference could be related to the purpose of their self harm, their experiences with it, and even the way that other people react to people who self harm, which is pretty negative.
I think that people self harm for a lot of different reasons, one of those reasons can be to express yourself, I've heard from other people who see their scars as art, and they feel really bad about it. But I think those feelings are related to having a way of expressing yourself.
On a basic learning level, when people self harm, it usually relieves some kind of distress, and it feels rewarding. In a way, it's the same reinforcement that creates addictions. We experience distress > we can't cope > we self harm > we feel relief. So what that also does is 1. makes us more sensitive to cues related to self harm, especially when under stress and 2. reinforces and creates a positive relationship toward self harm. So self harm is reframed as a positive feeling in our brains that struggle to cope.
As far as coping with the thoughts, I would take some time to examine those thoughts and figure out where they are coming from and what other feelings are associated with them. How you cope with them will depend on that.
If it is about validation, validate yourself! Remind yourself that your feelings and struggles are real, regardless of other people's struggles. Express yourself, write down your experiences, create a narrative, write a poem, draw something, paint, do anything that can express your feelings and make your experiences concrete, something that you can physically see that validates where you have been.
