Is Imposter Syndrome Slowly Killing Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do About It.
Author: Self Worth Sam, Imposter Syndrome Expert
Do you feel like a fraud within your relationship? Do you fear exposure for being in a relationship because you feel out of your league? Do you feel you are not deserving of your partner in some way – even though there’s evidence that you are? Sounds like imposter syndrome could be slowly killing your relationship.
You don’t have to wrack your brain because you feel like you’re being chased by invisible relationship fraud inspectors, who go door to door, and Instagram account to Instagram account, looking carefully at all those cute couple photos of you and your partner on dates, vacations and at your friend’s parties, looking for imposters within relationships. *GASP!* There is no photo filter they cannot see through.
Fortunately, there is a way to know with 100% certainty that you are not an imposter within the relationship and to know with total certainty the value you bring to the relationship. Trust me, it’s greater than you currently perceive, and this blog shows you how to see it. The following ideas are inspired by the profound works of Dr. John Demartini, the world’s leading Human Behavioral Expert.
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You feel out of your depth in your intimate relationship and fear being exposed, exposed by your partner perhaps, or friends, or family. Who are you afraid will ‘find you out’? The problem is not that you are unworthy of your partner. It is that you are unclear of your own true values and you are most likely injecting someone else’s values into your life, trying to live up to some unrealistic or ideal partner image, and consequently judging yourself against that value system. Additionally, you are unclear on the value you bring to the relationship, you cannot see how your partner benefits from all that you are and bring to the relationship.
No wonder you feel like a fake. No wonder you can’t work it out in your head. This article explains how to rid yourself of imposter feelings, so you can feel you’re deserving of your partner, feel authentically yourself within the relationship, and get back to the fun part of being in love with someone dear to you who most likely feels the same about you.
As you finish this article, remember this one thing: “we can only be valued as we make ourselves valuable.” That quote comes from an essay, Spiritual Laws by Ralph Waldo Emerson. If you want to feel valuable in your relationship with your partner, and if you want to know with total certainty that you are deserving of your partner, you must become aware of your value and your values hierarchy (the things that are most important to least important to you).
Let’s start with identifying your highest values and your hierarchy of values.
You can do this a couple of ways: list your top 3 values. Write or say them out loud to yourself. What are you top 3 values in your life right now? Describe them in any way you like. Another way to identify your values hierarchy is to put the following 7 areas of life in order from most to least important:
These are broad terms to help you check-in with yourself in different areas of your life. Naturally, you will perceive some as really important, while others don’t even come onto your radar. So don’t feel you have to include them in your values hierarchy list. Plus you can do this exercise as much as you like, because your values are likely to change over your life.
Take note, you do not want to list the values you think you should or ought to value. Meaning, you don’t want to list the values that your parents would want you to value, or society would want you to value, or your unrealistic idealized self would have you value. Drop the self-judgment and be true to yourself.
One of the main sources of imposter syndrome in all its forms, especially in one’s career or relationships – and all emotional blocks and baggage for that matter – is a result of injecting the values of others into your life and trying to live up to them. If you try to live according to someone else’s values you are an imposter – you’re faking it – you’re trying to be someone else. When you are living in alignment with your highest values, you’re authentic. To schedule a session with Self Worth Sam and clear your emotional blocks click here
Next, to know the value you bring to the relationship, do this: define and identify the meaningful and worthwhile things you bring to the relationship in all areas of your life: spiritual, financial, physical, mental, social, familial or vocational, and how you demonstrate and share them within the relationship – how all that benefits your partner and the relationship as a whole.
Let’s go through each area so you can start identifying your values:
I don’t mean necessarily religious values, but the meaning of your life, your purpose and the cause to which you are dedicated to serving long-term. Often this is a cause that contributes to others in some way rather than just yourself. Ask yourself, what is the meaning of my life, to what cause am I dedicated, how does that benefit the relationship and my partner? Have you assisted your partner define their spiritual path or have you assisted in some significant way to their spiritual growth and healing? That’s valuable.
Obviously, this can mean the cash, earning capacity, and assets you bring to the relationship for shared expenses and lifestyle. It can mean financial wisdom and know-how, too, such as a well planned investment strategy and legacy. I’ll also include emotional management skills here too. Ask yourself, in addition to earning and managing your finances, do you bring effective emotional management regarding your wealth (can you save, spend appropriately, invest wisely)? Does it benefit your partner and the relationship as a whole?
Your career or business. Ask yourself, how does my career or business benefit the relationship and your partner? Do you contribute to conversations about their career pathway, have you connected your partner with others that led to better job opportunities, are you able to provide them with emotional and intellectual support when they are feeling stressed about their job or business? That kind of support is highly valuable in a relationship.
If there are children involved, they most likely required you to bring them into the world (never forget that one fact). Ask yourself, how does my time, effort, skills and knowledge as a parent contribute to the relationship and my partner? If children are involved from previous relationships (not of your blood so to speak), how are you being a parent for them? That’s a huge value to your partner and the kids. What about your family? Do they provide a valuable support system for your partner and kids? Do you have parents who help out now and then, baby-sitting for example? More value.
Who are your friends, acquaintances, and connections? How have they contributed to your partner and your relationship’s social enjoyment? Have you been able to share fun times together with your friends? Have your friends and connections included your partner in some way and made them feel welcome in their circle? It’s nice to be accepted by your partner’s friends and connections. Does your partner gain from your sense of what it means to be social? I say this because you don’t have to be a social butterfly nor have an extensive network of friends to provide social value to your partner and the relationship. Socializing can also include the maintenance of healthy boundaries, for example, knowing and respecting their do’s and don’t around social media sharing of your life together. Do you facilitate trust in the relationship? A massive value. Do you balancing time with people and time alone, both with each other and your respective individual space? Yes? More value. Respecting your partner’s social needs is a big value to them.
Your body, appearance, health, vitality, and physical possessions too. Ask yourself, what are the benefits my body and appearance provide my partner? Do they gain from getting to look at you each day? You’re totally allowed to boast a little here Do you have a hot butt? Do you have sexy hair, legs, tits, hands, shoulders, eyes, lips, neck, and let’s not forget the bedroom benefits either – are you good in the sack so to speak? Do you have a signature move your partner couldn’t live without? Do you have healing hands and can you massage like a boss, and do those hands come in handy at the end of their busy day? More value. Do you have a healthy, agile and capable body? Does that allow your partner to go places with you with ease (don’t take that for granted and don’t assume it’s not a huge value to them).
Do you have a level of health that doesn’t require your partner to have to assist you in some way? Do you have healthy eating and exercising habits that contribute to your partner’s health? Do you provide knowledge about healthy living from all those podcasts you listen to about getting better sleep, the right foods to eat, anti-aging, how to cook great meals? All that contributes more value to them and the harmony of your relationship. Consider also physical possessions that you own and they get the use and benefit of it too: a house, a car, furniture, physical space, gifts, and the physical atmosphere and mood you create. Do you have the ability to navigate, drive, find great places to eat, go on vacation, can you get them out of challenging physical situations, emergencies, sickness? All worth considering, aren’t they?
Your mind, knowledge, education, leadership capacity, creativity, bilingualism, planning, decision making and problem solving skills. Are you good at prioritizing and managing life for both of you? Do you provide inspiration and wisdom to them? Do you have a good sense of humor? Do you make them laugh? You can put a price on making your partner laugh – consider how much a ticket costs for attending a comedy night – how many times do you make them laugh per week – calculate that up to find the financial value they are saving because they don’t have to go to the comedy show, instead they be entertained by you. What is the mental value you contribute to your partner and the relationship?
These are just beginning prompts to help you identify where you bring value to your partner and the relationship as a whole.
Start an audit of your value today and imposter syndrome feelings will subside. Continue identifying the value you provide until the exact moment when you can say with total certainty, “I am worthy of my partner to the exact same degree that my partner is worthy of me.” A tear of gratitude for yourself is clear evidence that you have equalized your perceptions and have eradicated imposter syndrome completely.
If you can’t identify your values and the value you bring to your partner and the relationship – precisely – and to the same degree and amount of value your partner provides to you, you’ll forever feel like you’re moments away from being exposed as a fraud, perhaps by your partner, friends, family, everyone on social media and the invisible relationship fraud squad. You’ll continue to believe your own bullshit story about not being good enough for them. You don’t need to live in that nightmare. Identify the value you bring and start telling yourself a better story.
So, as you go about your day, remember Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote from his essay, Spiritual Laws, “we can only be valued as we make ourselves valuable.”
Read my latest book: How to Beat Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident available on Amazon in paperback, kindle and audiobook.
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