all around him, there was noise. some shouted into the phone demanding proof, more information, and to speak to gen. others discussed among themselves, trying to come to terms with not just the fact that gen was in love with someone but that he was dying because of it.
and senku... senku was thinking. his brain sped through every memory of gen he had. he thought back to every single one of their interactions and all the times he had silently observed gen.
senku recalled them bantering with each other, recalled how gen seemed to always know how to help, recalled gen's soft smiles and the light in his eyes.
and then senku recalled how gen's face seemed to get paler, how during the many nights when the two worked late and ended up falling asleep together, gen's breathing had sounded so heavy, so pained, and how sometimes, and it really was a rare occasion because gen never lets himself slip for long and often, gen just seemed so.... so tired and resigned.
during those times, senku would feel this strange insistent ache in his chest and the inane urge to walk over and... and... and what? what could senku have even done? feelings were not something he dealt with. he couldn't even begin to really understand how he felt about seeing gen in such a state, what could he even have said that would be helpful?
why did it have to be this way? senku has never felt so out of his depth. if it were anything else, he was confident that he would've understood gen better, faster, earlier. gen wouldn't have suffered silently for so long, and wouldn't have had his suffering exposed to all, all while he was alone in enemy territory. and, it wouldn't have had to be like this: gen's imminent death being used to force the kos' hand. but that wasn't even what was bothering senku.
it did bother him but there was one selfish thought that kept ringing in his head: he should've told me.
senku knew it was unfair of him to think this way. after all, he had just admitted that he was unskilled when it came to understanding and discussing the matters of the heart. however. still. despite all that... senku genuinely believed that he and gen shared a connection.
it wasn't the kind of connection he shared with chrome, the kind fostered and built on their mutual love for discovery and understanding, filled with the understanding and admiration from their mentor-mentee relationship.
it also wasn't the kind of connection he shared with taiju and yuzuriha, the kind that developed slowly but surely throughout their years and time spent together, filled with the trust and love in friendships that ran deep and long.
but maybe this connection was similar to those. similar in the sense that senku still, without ever giving it any prior formal acknowledgement, treasured it and had come to rely on it. and gen, despite what he himself may claim, was a reliable person, for he has never once let senku down. it seemed that senku has come to rely on gen for many things.
so maybe, with that in mind, it would be a little fair for senku to feel hurt that gen did not seem him worthy enough to rely on, to talk to about his suffering. because senku knew that what gen was suffering from, was big and heavy. and most importantly, it was a very lonely thing. and it really didn't have to be this way. and this led to another smaller, but equally insistent voice that said: if he had told me, I would've helped him.
this was a very strange and startling thought to focus on. senku knew how hanahaki disease occurred; gen loved someone who did not love him back. he also knew what hanahaki does to the body; gen will first feel constantly short of breath, next, he will cough up petals which will escalate into fully grown flowers, finally, he will die.
so, how on earth could've senku helped him? it wasn't as if gen loved him.
because. because... maybe, if, by some miracle, gen did love senku, there might be a chance, a possibility, that just perhaps, the disease wouldn't have occurred.
this line of thought caught senku off guard. did he really have feelings for gen?
a/n that i've decided not to put in tags simply because I'm afraid of hitting the limit again...: I forgot to mention that despite my lack of planning (can you tell that i'm winging this idea as I go) and surprisingly forgetting that hanahaki au is angsty (idk how I overlooked this), I've always thought of this with a happy ending !! it is really important to me that everyone knows that I did not expect to write more but always knew that sengen must get a happy ending !
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