TL;DR: as a glass child, my existence is not ableist. And recognizing my experiences is not ablist. My sister who has special needs did not cause my predicament, and she is not to blame. "Glass child" recognizes my experience and how it relates to her, and my parents, and how the outcome was imperfect, not her.
(For context, my sister is 5 years older than me, nonverbal, and quadriplegic, and has Cerebral Palsy.)
(Side note, many talk about abuse within this context, and I do not touch on that. However, content warning for discussions of seizures, and breif mentions of death/hospitals)
As a glass child, I kind of just want to speak up. I love my sister. She is my older sister, I was born into an environment what I always was a "glass child."
And again, I love my sister and will always be thankful that she is in my life. I am also very grateful for my parents as, raising children is never an easy task, and when one child does have graver needs that can be stressful, they (my parents) did a fantastic job at raising us.
My sister was always cared for. Financially, my family was fortunate, and rarely were we lacking the proper resources to be able to have as proper of care for my sister as possible.
And, there were always moments, even little ones that affected how I grew up. From little moments of, say, I wanted to show my parents a picture I was proud of, but instead of a response, I would be asked to help my sister. To, of course, graver moments of waking up to the sound of my sister (we'll call her Sarah for anonymity) having a seizure. Or to sirens in front of our doors in need of an ambulance.
And there were always moments like that growing up.
I do not blame Sarah, and I never will.
And there would be times like that where I would want to show off something or be picked up from school, but couldn't or didn't get that because Sarah's needs had big consequences. Mine didn't.
Over time, being raised in this environment my whole life up to a point, I learned that my needs didn't matter. (They did, but as I child, I couldn't know that.) I learned that taking care of my sister put stress and worry on my parents, and while I felt those same emotions, I was a child, I didn't have the same means or practice on how to take care of myself; I didn't understand why Sarah had these disabilities, but I saw the stress my parents were under, and I pushed all these feelings down. I gained the responsibility to not burden my parents with my pain/stress/confusion, because I didn't want to add to theirs. I wasn't ill, I had a roof over my head, I had food in my stomach. I wasn't in the hospital, I wasn't having seizures.
My parents and I all needed to help take care of Sarah or else she would have not lived. My needs, in comparison were inconsequential, so I grew up. I was the older sibling once I was 3.
I don't mean to be ablist, I will always stand up for Sarah, and I would do just about anything for her. By recognizing myself as a glass child, I'm recognizing that I am my own person. I'm recognizing that my needs, my needs as a child, adolescent, and teen were all real. That they were valid and deserved to be heard.
By recognizing myself as a glass child, I am acknowledging that I do exist as my own person, not just someone who was only remembered as "Sarah's sib."
Yes, Sarah had needs, and she is not to blame for any of this. She is an incredible light in my life, and she has taught me more than any lecture or single life experience ever could. Sarah is not to blame for my experience growing up, the situation just didn't have enough room to allow myself to get my needs too.
My parents were dealt a hand of cards that was not an easy one, but they played the well and true best way possible. That best way, just cut out a great deal of my actualization.
As an adult who no longer lives with Sarah, I still love her, my parents, and hold all of them in the highest regard. And, I can now recognize the effect growing up in that environment had on me.
Every childhood affects adult instincts, insecurities, and perspectives. The first time I looked at how growing up with Sarah affected me, it was 5 after not living in the same household as her.
My sister had 'special needs', and when I first discovered the term glass child, I felt, for the real first time, that my needs could be special too. I learned that my boundaries could be make of stone, rather than just be suggested barrier marks on the ground that even I didn't notice, let alone others.
But there were little to no resources on Glass Children. I learned that I was invisible, not only from the research, but from the lack of it.
That's why it's important to talk, and to let us be heard, to see each other. I'm not trying to paint our siblings in a bad light.
I can't speak for others, but I know for myself that I love my sister. Sarah will always be the most influential person in my life.
It's no one's fault that this was my family's life. If Sarah had more agency, I have no doubt that she would have taken care of me in the way many older sisters would have. She just, couldn't. But she did show that she loved me in other ways, asking for hugs, blown kisses, her beautiful smile. She an I have a way of communicating that is unique and our own.
My sister is not a villain. Not by a long shot. Thankfully, nor are my parents. My situation is not because of them. I wasn't just neglected or in the shadow of Sarah, this was just my family. It had a unique dynamic, and it was beautiful. It held a lot of love, fear, exhaustion, and beauty. Being raised in that left childhood wounds. And that's okay, but they need to be recognized and allowed to breathe.
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