Some nights I feel inundated, and I can't sleep at all. It's not one thing or two things. It's my entire world.
I decided that after all the mistakes I made, I could no longer stand idly by and just watch people suffer and hurt. So I made it my job to help people. It's what I do for a living. I travel all over the place now, and I meet all sorts of people. Make relationships with them, and make them feel like there is absolutely nothing in the world that can stop them from achieving their goals. Always walking this path with them, never letting myself think that I am better in any way. I get in the mud with them, and don't hesitate about it at all.
I can't sit alone doing nothing, because that's when It starts catching up to me. So I have to constantly be doing things, or hanging out with people. So you can tell how dreadful it is for me to try and go to sleep. Sitting alone in a dark room all by myself, it can be an intimidating thing. So I try to find projects or random things to keep me awake until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. It comes off as a little weird most of the time, but it keeps me from me.
Truth is, I try to keep myself busy doing things with my job, or with company; so that I can just keep myself from thinking too much. Thinking about myself, and about my mistakes. Thinking about things that could have been, and things that never will be. I guess I'm just running away from myself, and I'm really hoping that I don't catch up.
So, I am sorry. Sorry to the people I have hurt, and the people I will hurt. Sorry for the negativity that I convey at times, and for the lack of hope that I so tend to have. The one apology that is long overdue, is an apology to myself. Sorry me, for being such a shitty you.
I understand today, that I have to face the things that I ran away from. I have to look at what I have done and where I am now because of it. I understand that I did not make the best choices in the past, and that I do regret them. But I don't regret who I turned out to be in light of them. I know that I cannot be the perfect guy, but I can try my hardest. I can protect the people I love, and the people that need me the most. I can help the ones who need that helping hand and ask for a mending touch. I can stop running and let myself be whole.
This moment.. this exact second.. I feel peace like I have never felt before.
If you have gotten this far and you are currently reading this, Jessica. I want to say thank you for being there for me, even for the stupidest thing. I'm sorry I didn't talk with you about any of this. I just felt like I had to take care of myself tonight. Sorry I lied to you, but you know Rule #1.
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