“Hi, I’d like to return something please,” I say to the Greys Anatomy hotline.
“Certainly madam. May I ask what your returning?”
“My viewing of episodes 18 and 19 of your show,” I answer.
“Oh, ok. Yes, we’ve had a lot of these calls in the last 24 hours, but protocol states that I have to ask what your reasons for returning your viewership is,” the polite phone operator tells me.
“Are you sat comfortably?”
“Yes…” they slowly say, confused.
“Well, I lost interest in the ‘previously on Greys’ section because it revolved around Ben Warren. I then lost interest in the whole of 12x18 because it revolved around Ben Warren. I thought I might gain an ounce of interest when Owen appeared, but no- he only appeared because of Ben Warren…”
“Ok, go on,” they encourage. As if I need encouraging…
“All suspense from the episode was totally lost on me because Bailey acting like a confused baffoon and sensitive wife has never appealed to me. I only like her if she’s yelling at people and living up to her Nazi nickname.”
“Well, can I ask if there were any bits you did enjoy?” they try. Bless them.
“Yes, the lady chief trifecta scene where they’re talking about Owen and Riggs. But then it was shat on by them basically recreating Derek’s death bed and having Amelia and Meredith look down on it.”
“I’m sensing you’re a bit upset by this?”
“No. No no no, I’m upset that everyone’s lawyer seems to be #1 on speedial. I’m upset that April got that freaking restraining order cos- HOW ARE JAPRIL GONNA MAKE OUT FROM 100 FEET AWAY?! I’m upset that Callie laughed at moving to the other side of the country. This wouldn’t even be acceptable in the UK, and the UK is tiny compared to America.”
“Anything else?” they ask cautiously.
“Yeah, Penny looks so much prettier with her hair down but she’s too busy destroying Calzona to notice, Japril feeling their baby kick for the first time led to me waking up this morning with bloodshot eyes, Amelia watching a baby die should never be shown on my TV again, Asia from Dance Moms needs to get better at crying bitch baby tears, Cross needs to stop running into fucking doors every three seconds and prove he has an education for once-”
“What about Steph and Jo?” the operator interrupts my rant.
“Light comic relief. They were greatly needed and I loved them. Well done for that bit,” I reluctantly praise.
“What are you looking forward to in the next episode then?”
“Omelia getting back together, more Japril scenes to make me weep, Arizona keeping her access to her daughter, Stephanie getting it oooooonnnnnnnnn with guitar hero, Bailey putting herself on a 6 month ban for going against a DNR, and Webber stepping in as interim chief. You know?”
“Excellent, OK, I have that all written down,” they inform me. “Now, the next step of the process is me tearing up the paper, throwing it in the bin, not giving a shit what you think and everyone moving on and pretending this ‘2 hour event’ of Ben Warren’s dick moves never happened. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“No,” I sigh, dejected. Sucks to be a Grey’s Anatomy fan.
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