Again, and again, and again, and -again- do these dreams keep happening. At first… at first they were pleasant. Surreal, magical, a dream. But now they just melt into nightmares, leaving me breathless and shaken each night.  When it began, I would wake up in terror… fearful that another was in the room with me, Someone watching… I wouldn’t recall why I would wake up. Sometimes I would be feeling nothing but bliss and yet there I am awake and shaking. Something doesn’t feel right… thing’s haven’t felt right and I am feeling like I am slowly losing my mind. Whatever is left of it that is.
The voices have started again… and it’s her voice. The same voice that has haunted my mind all these years. The same voice that craves chaos, craves spilling blood… She tells me to give in. To indulge in my dark desires. She mocks me., that’s what she’s doing. She doesn’t think I have control but I do… I -am- in control. I have dominance over her, over my life, and these damned dreams. I wont let her think she has the best of me yet, and I will prove it when I tear the heart from my enemy. The enemy who left Oliver crippled and The very damned person who made a mockery of me and what I stand for.
The night grows long… I am going to attempt sleep once more.
…The dream was different tonight. And as I write this I am trembling with tears in my eyes. It started off normal. A beautiful field of flowers. Violets and blues painted the earth and the skies were as clear as the brightest summers day. It was alluring, a scene taken out of any fairy tail. I remember looking around, hazy… in a daze and in that beautiful picture there were faces… so many faces were staring up at me. Some familiar, some not. They all had empty eyes… with sick and twisted grins stretched on their faces. That’s when I realized I was on trial. ‘Trial for treason and the punishment for treason was… death.’ The executioner yelled holding up his torch like a beacon of hope to these people. It seemed like that as the crowd erupted in cheers. I looked down and I could see the ropes that bound me to my fate. Tightly they wrapped around my body, binding me to a stake.My feet dangled slightly but moving was out of the question. It even hurt to breath. Was this how she felt? My eyes stared at that dancing flame that made it’s journey to the hay that laid below. I was about to die… just like she was. Just like when Jeanne burned.
This was exactly what happened all those years ago. But why was I there? It was Jeanne’s trial. It was Jeanne who committed treason. It was Jeanne who gazed down out at the staring faces. I remember looking up at her that day. Up at Jeanne… I remember the flames and the foul smell her flesh made as the flames took her soul back to the lifestream. I remember the smile she gave me before it began. I remember her cold icy eyes that stared unmoving with mine, and the screams she made while her skin turned to char was something that has never left me.
But it was me strapped the that wooden pillar, and then I felt a familiar cold gaze looking up at me. Our eyes met as the flames begun and then there it was. That hauntingly beautiful smile that she shared with me the day of her death and for some strange reason, I couldn’t help but smile back. I was about to be cleansed with flames and there I was smiling as blissfully as I did on my wedding day. I woke up not long before that searing flame made it to my legs. Sweat drenched my clothes and I found myself out of breath. I felt her voice again, and never so badly did I wish to return to sleep. I need to see her again… It’s been so long I almost forget what she looked like. She was beautiful, even in nightmares she struck me in awe. She was an Elezen, Ishgardian at that, fair and tall. With the prettiest blonde hair I have ever seen. And she always kept it down in loose waves. She could make even the most brutal men swoon with a single look. It has been so long since I’ve seen her so vividly… so beautiful. She wore her lavish silks like she always did. Gold jewels and rare gems decorated the woman’s body. She was a dancer just like me, in fact that is how we grew so close. She was not only a dancer but my personal teacher… and she was the best.
That night when she died, she met with me earlier. She had this look on her face that she knew she was headed to her demise, she had a plan to leave that place that held us both captive. She was going to go because she needed to, because she had to and that one day I will come to understand everything. That my purpose was greater than any chain that could ever bind me. She wasn’t scared in fact she seemed extremely confident. Her words were vague and I didn’t understand them… I still don’t.Â
I begged her not to go. I screamed and pleaded and with all of my being I asked why did she have to go… Jeanne smiled, She told me to never give up my faith with the stars before kissing my forehead. and before she bid farewell she told me that no matter what she will always be with me.
Jeanne was for a time my everything, she taught me more than just dancing. She raised me, as best as a woman could given the circumstances. She was the only thing I had to a mother in that wretched Manor. She was always there in my earliest memories… And during a time where I had no hope, she was my guiding light.
Is this my punishment?
Or am I really losing my sanity?
I can’t afford to think of this now.
The sun is rising… I should start the day.