Iām lucky, I know...
I have to do this. I have to type this out. I have to release this...
A lot of things have been weighing very heavily on my heart the past couple of months. I donāt expect anyone to understand and Iām not looking for acceptance or approval... But it has to be known.
Iām not the most elegant writer, my words and thoughts get jumbled, and my grammar can be a little off sometimes, so just donāt mind that. Here goes.
The day I graduated from Delta was a day filled with almost the biggest feeling of accomplishment I had ever known. (The only day that tops that feeling was the day I got offered a position on The Walking Dead!). I was so proud of myself for accomplishing 22 tests, countless lessons, invaluable life experiences. The world was at my fingertips. I had fought SO hard to get to that graduation stage. I wanted it so badly. I needed it. But here I am today, contemplating the career choice I fought so hard to obtain.
I have been struggling with this for a while. Iām not looking for encouraging words of āOh, itāll get better! Give it time! This is such a good opportunity!ā. I donāt need to hear any of that, because I already know it. I know it will get better. I know, in time, things will be much better. And I know how great of an opportunity it is--I fought for it. I applied twice for this position. I spent a YEAR trying to get it. Now that I have it all, itās not enough.
I donāt want to come off as being ungrateful for my opportunities, because Lord knows He has given me countless blessings, but I know who I am. I know the person God has made me to be. I know who God WANTS me to be. People have told me countless times to ājust give it a little more timeā or āgive it a yearā. I donāt know about you, but Iāve always been told tomorrow is not a guarantee, so who wants to wait around for something to get better? Who wants to waste a year of their life doing something that makes them miserable all because āitās a good opportunityā.
This IS an amazing career. It is filled with amazing opportunities to travel and meet new people. Itās taken me places I never even knew I wanted to go to. So many people love this job. They thrive off of it. They live FOR it. But Iām not happy. (This is where things may get a little deep.) I cry before every trip. My anxiety is through the roof every single time I get ready for a 3 day trip. My nerves are shot. I just want to hide and never come out. I have severe anxiety on the planes. I experienced one bit of bad turbulence while I was doing the beverage service and I havenāt recovered from it. I think about being hurt on the plane all the time. I think about all the possible things that can go wrong. I think about terrorists. And bombs. And knives. And plane crashes. And heart attacks. And seizures. And panic attacks. And sexual harassment. And derogatory remarks. EVERY SECOND OF EVERY FLIGHT. And itās is driving me crazy. It is making me depressed. And I canāt deal with it. I am a very happy person. But this job is changing me.
This is a very good job... for some people. Some people are okay being away from the families and those that they love days at a time. Some people are okay being alone ALL the time. Some people are okay with serving others for a living. Some people are okay with traveling the world alone... but Iām not one of those people. I will probably never be one of those people. So for the people that are trying to shove me into this mold of person I will never fit into, Iām sorry.
My days are filled with misery and I feel so disconnected from this world. I feel like Iām a time traveler. When Iām gone, I feel like Iām stuck in time but the world keeps moving. Everyone elseās lives are moving on and Iām stuck. I donāt expect most people to understand (or read) all of this. But it is weighing so heavily on my heart, I had to get it off.
I know what brings me joy. I know what makes me happy. And for all of the opportunities God has placed in my path since Iām come to this realization, I know He supports me and I know He will be with me every step of the way.
This is not meant to be negative, but instead be meant to motivate. I hope this motivates whoever reads it. I hope you begin to realize the world is yours to take. You donāt have to settle for a job that makes you miserable. You donāt have to settle in a situation that makes you unhappy. The road to happiness and success is not always going to be the one thatās a straight paved path. There are going to be hills and mountains and holes and floods you will have to get through, but at least you know you are taking a stance for what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. Ā Ā
āAnother airplane. Another sunny place. Iām lucky, I know. But I want to go home.ā










