A lot on my mind.
The problem with my on going thoughts on my mind, are nothing new, it’s just weighing heavy on my mind once again. A lot of it has to do with me, a lot of my issues; getting my GED; finally going to college and getting out of the food business and losing weight. But some of it has to do with my fiance, I don’t feel he really understands my feelings, my thought process or any of my insecurities. Some of that stems from how angry he gets with me, when I mess up on something, something he thinks is so easy but I get so confused and frustrated easily. He thinks so highly of me and expects so much from me, that I tend to let him down, miserably.
That’s not my goal, that’s not what I’m trying to achieve here but it happens quite often. Plus, he believes that depression is in the persons’ head and it’s just a chemical imbalance in the body. And yes, that’s true, body wise I mean but it’s more than that and yes, dwelling on somethings is stupid and a waste of time but when you’ve been dealing with this illness for so long, it’s hard just move on. I want to be that person who can move on, to be strong no matter what and have the confidence he wants me to have, but I belittle myself in my head and tear myself down long before I can fight it. And when we fight, it gets worse, but he doesn’t understand that, he doesn’t understand the battle I have with myself on the daily.
We talk about the future a lot, we’ve decided in the next two years, we’re going to buy a house. It’s a big step, considering, for anyone that does take the time to know me, know that my fiance is my first, for a lot of things, including my first relationship (I’m 28), my first (obviously) and for all the right reasons, I want him to be my only and my last. I love this man more than I thought I ever could, but apart of me has my doubts about our future. While the arguing has gotten better, in the sense, we don’t argue as much, the anger is still there and I think it’s causing us to pull away from each other.
Now, I know relationships aren’t always about sex, but let’s be honest, it’s a big part of it and not the act of sex, but the being physical, the feeling of being attractive and wanted but the other sex, it feels good, it feels damn good. It’s not always there anymore, and I get so confused and angry because when I try to talk to him about it, he gets mad at me and I clam up quickly. I begin to question what’s wrong with me, what have I done wrong and I can’t talk to him about this, he tells me I’m overreacting and I need to calm down. But I just want answers, not sex once a month, then him getting mad because I’m on my period, it’s a monthly thing! On top of that, no protection whatsoever for 4 years and no babies. I thought it was me but I was given the okay, I would like for him to get checked out but he keeps telling me, when the time is right, it will happen. I don’t know. Maybe I am overthinking all of this, I do that a lot and I’m sure a lot of females actually do that.
