The Iron Duke

A journal cataloguing my achievements and conquests as the Captain of JMC mining ship [redacted]. Also a place to discuss my varied interests with like-minded peers and not little, smelly, chipmunk faced Smeggers.

[hypo0826]

[sexylightman]

That was the joke Lister. I was trying to make a joke. I was trying to be funny for you Lister. FOR YOU LISTER I TRIED TO BE FUNNY.  You're supposed to laugh and then reassure me that the case was watertight against us and even if I had hired a lawyer I would be in this situation.

God, Lister you're really bad at this communication thing!

[sexylightman]

Birthday letter

Dearest Manu (justsomegermansmeghead) I am writing this message to wish you a happy belated birthday greeting as requested by my tormentor, but you probably know her as Rebecca or strictlybuttersideup. Originally I was going to have her thrown out of the airlock again as she literally burst through the shower wall while I was showering and thrust a keyboard  in my hands while jabbering about birthdays and smeg heads but  according to Kryten I owe her a favour. So here I am. It did take a while to get her to speak clearly though and the shower ran cold while she jabbered and I stood there awkwardly calling for Kryten to remove her and trying to use the keyboard as a cover for my genitals. I'm going to be very lucky if I don't come down with a holo-flu. Anyway, I wish you a very happy and belated birthday. I hope you had a lovely day. If not, I am sure you had a better time than when my 23rd surprise birthday party was hijacked by a bunch of students.

I paid $£300 as a deposit for the room at the Io community centre which I never got back as they absolutely trashed the room. They drunk all of the alcohol I so nicely provided for my guests, I never got to blow out my candles and it was only thanks to my uncle Frank, the only family member who had time to come to my party, who was able to get them under control and send them to the correct room. Still my day was ruined.

I could sit here all day and tell you what happened at my other birthdays but instead Kryten, who keeps hovering, suggests I give you some life advice as a present. Maybe you can make use of these pearls of wisdom

Never pull someone's finger. Especially if his name is Dave Lister. It is very unpleasant to say the least.

Gazpacho soup is meant to be served cold.

If you have access to a stasis booth make use of it. If you do it for long enough it really makes a difference.

Aim to run a mile at least three times a week. (It doesn't have to be all at once)

Never, ever take advice from Life-hack because the last time I did, I got tied up and thrown into a pit with a snugiraffe. It took three days for the others to rescue me.

Finally, you are your job and you should get on with it, especially if your name is Kryten 2X4B - 523P and you keep looking over my shoulder and suggesting stupid advice like "Don't sweat the small stuff." You should sweat the small stuff it is very important. Ignoring tiny details could make or break that project.

  So that is my advice to you friend of this... freak. I really admire you if you are able to handle her smeg. It takes true strength and self control. Happy Birthday again! Or as they say in German "Verkaufen Sie glutenfreie Gerichte!"

Yours cordially,

Arnold J. Rimmer BSc SSc

[sexylightman]

I'm in the mood to cuddle, especially with you. ^-^

Are you a BEGG? 

[sexylightman]

So... why do you guys need a holowhip, anyway?

If you just read up on your Space Corp Directives like a good little munchkin you would know that there are several reasons why holowhips are sanctioned and are required on all space vessels that have hologram technology. 

First, it is available to be used by both humans and holograms alike

Second, it can be used to herd and discipline animals on a livestock vessel

Third, as an official punishment for a variety of severe crimes such as assault on another crew member or civilian. 

Fourth, as an offence weapon in face to face combat.

Fifth, as an emergency method of communication. Can be used to signal S.O.S and other signals.

All other uses for the holowhip are unsanctioned and in my opinion completely inappropriate aboard a space vessel. As for why we have not jettisoned our holowhip from the ship, aside from all of the laws we'd be breaking in relation to armaments you never know when we'll need to use it! Thankfully, none of us have performed a crime punishable with twenty lashes but I have literally lost track of how many times someone or something has tried to kill us. To throw out a perfectly good weapon is something only stupid hippies do.

Does that answer your question? 

[sexylightman]

You're all smegging gits and I hate the lot of you.

[australiansanta]

my mum was laughing hysterically when I woke up this morning and I went to see what she was laughing at and

[lemurnaut]

sexylightman started following you

[sexylightman]

“We could,” Rimmer affirmed, Jean’s suggestion not actually sinking into his brain… but then it did “Oh yes!” Rimmer leapt to his feet with the Lemur still wrapped around his head. “There is an airduct that you could probably fit through.” his eyes roamed around the small box. “There!” he roared pointing at a panel in the wall. “I’m sure of it! And you could probably take me with you because my light bee is very tiny!” Rimmer felt unwisely positive, “Yes this could work” punching a fist out in front of him with excitement. He too hated small , enclosed spaces like this, especially when the boys at school managed to corner him in such a space. He knelt down and started trying to pries the panel away from the wall.

[lemurnaut]

“Brilliant! We’ll be on our way out in no time. Then we can find out what just happened.” Jean hopped off his shoulders, not want to impede Rimmer’s work. “Yes, pry our way to freedom.” he cheered from behind him.

[sexylightman]

It takes over a hour because Rimmer left his screwdriver pen in the landing bay with Jean's ship, but eventually with a loud screech he manages to rip the panel out of the elevator wall. A gaping hole, just big enough for Jean to climb into stares at them. Panting slightly from the small exertion Rimmer smiles in relief.

"Thank smeg for that! Now Jean, when you're ready. I'll turn off my projection so you can take me with you. Just one thing, when you are carrying me. Do not press the blue button on the light-bee device until we are back in the corridor because that will reboot me in hard-light. If you press that button while in the vent shaft, well it's going to be painful for the both of us. " Looks Jean over, "Got it?"

[sexylightman]

Bullsmeg! *Tries to stare him down* Look, I dunno what's made you go mad, but I ain't in the mood fer it today! *Is actually really unnerved by how much sense that made* Rimmer, I'm not makin' you do nothin'! Kiss me!? Yuck! Why would I try and make yeh kiss me even if I were hallucinatin' yeh anyway!? Which I'm -not-! Nothin' bad's goin' on in reality; this -is- reality!

I’m sure your mind would make up some excuse to justify kissing an illusion of your bunkmate turned hologram turned superhero. Anyway *sits himself on the chair, crosses his legs and looks up at Lister with a smirk on his face* I wonder what is happening in reality? Maybe you’re getting eaten by a giant space worm or your Kinotawawi wife has finally got you into her bed, and she is making you perform cunnilingus. *looks disgusted at the image before shaking his head* Oh well, you’ll find out later. One thing I do find weird about this situation is that if I were hallucinating you I’m sure I would have imagined you in a large, flowery dress cleaning the floor. Unless I have a “Kick Me” sign on my back, I look like myself before I became Ace. 

[sexylightman]

Ey Rimmer, even if Lister dun wanna cuddle you, I do!

You want to cuddle me? *strokes chin and talks to himself* If I get enough people to say this and offer to cuddle me I can make Listy jealous and regret the day he was such a smeghead to me.

[listerofsmeg-blog]

I have no idea where this came from, and what you were thinkin’, but I’m goin’ teh have teh’ decline. Yeh see as much as I love you and all, I can’t picture myself actually cuddling you on the couch - urgh! It’s just so, wrong fer us, yeh know?

[sexylightman]

What? What? YOU SMEGGING WHAT LISTER!?  DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SMEGGING DELIBERATED OVER THIS RIDICULOUS, CHILDISH THING? 

I THOUGHT THIS IS THE KIND OF THING YOU WANTED SO I THOUGHT 'HEY I'LL SHOW IT TO HIM ABOUT WHAT I WOULD DO FOR HIM BUT THROUGH A MEDIUM I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND'

BUT NO OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. JUST NO. NO. 

  Why do I even try to do anything let alone nice things. The only thing I'm good for is a very big and heavy paperweight. Oh, Lister you have written the whole history of the world ever but you are scared a random gust of space wind will mess up the neatly stacked piles. Oh and you need something to keep all that paper in place until you find a large vat of paper clips. Just USE MY BODY! That is all it is good for. 

[sexylightman]

*Lister brought his own gloved hands up to cover his neck* Okay. Time to take you for yer monthly MOT, eh? I think you've completely smeggin' lost it this time. Rimmer, yer not a hallucination, you're a smeghead. And a hologram. There's a difference. And if I were hallucinatin' why the smeg would I hallucinate -you- ? (ooc: What are you like eh? :P Just have to see where it takes us!)

 Well of course Listy, I'd be the first person you'd hallucinate. *looks proud* You've seen me day in, day out for oh six or so years. Furthermore the only reason I was very disrespectfully woken up from the dead, was to keep you sane. If we go into the psychology of association, you have associated me with your sanity. When I'm here you're relatively sane. But when I'm not here for a long period of time you feel insecure with your mental state and in order to cope with this you recreate me in that little mind of yours.

I'd say you're quite amazing with that brain if you weren't such a smeghead. I do wonder though what bad thing is happening in reality if you are imagining me and putting these words in my mouth. *puts finger to his lips and nastily adds*  Just don't be a Nancy and make me kiss or hug you or anything like that though. 

[sexylightman]

YOU’RE IT! Rules are: copy this to 10 other beautiful people/blogs who you think deserve this message! Keep the game going and make everyone feel beautiful! ♥

Oh terrific! I must be doing something right. See Listy HA!

[listerofsmeg-blog]

I’m so angry right now. I can’t believe Rimmer did this, it’s low even for that smegpot. 

[sexylightman]

I did no such thing, it was the other Rimmer’s fault!… Wait what did I… I mean what did he actually do?

[listerofsmeg-blog]

You jettisoned all of my poppadoms into space you weasly smegger! I have nothing out here and you know it, curry is one of the last things I hold onto and you throw it away just because I made you a bit angry!  You’re not even alive anymore, I don’t expect you to understand about the necessity of foods anymore. 

[sexylightman]

Oh yeah that. You didn't get the memo that we had to chuck those poppadoms?  Sorry about that I must have a talking to with that messenger skutter.

[lemurnaut]

sexylightman started following you

[sexylightman]

Rimmer bit back a sneeze. “I don’t smegging know!” he snapped underneath a mouthful of fur” He stood up carefully once the shaking had stopped and walked with Jean wrapped around his head and pressed the intercom button. 

“Smeg!” he swore when nothing happened. “Power must have been cut. If it was Hogey, I’m going to rip apart time and space and strangle the smegger.” Rimmer sighed and sat down putting a hand to his head to play with his hair but instead he found himself with a handful of fur. He patted it, it was soothing and now he understood why his grandmother always had a cat on her lap. Although that cat wasn’t alive. He really had a weird family.

“The only thing to do is to wait for the others to notice I’m missing.” Rimmer mused aloud, “We don’t have anything to prise the doors open with.” 

[lemurnaut]

“W-well what about an air duct?” he asked, shivering against the hologram “Y-you could squeeze me through and I could go get help.” his eyes darted around the room, feeling the walls starting to close in on them. Memories of tiny cages flooded back to the front of his mind.

[sexylightman]

"We could," Rimmer affirmed, Jean's suggestion not actually sinking into his brain... but then it did "Oh yes!" Rimmer leapt to his feet with the Lemur still wrapped around his head. "There is an airduct that you could probably fit through." his eyes roamed around the small box. "There!" he roared pointing at a panel in the wall. "I'm sure of it! And you could probably take me with you because my light bee is very tiny!" Rimmer felt unwisely positive, "Yes this could work" punching a fist out in front of him with excitement. He too hated small , enclosed spaces like this, especially when the boys at school managed to corner him in such a space. He knelt down and started trying to prise the panel away from the wall.

[sexylightman]

*Lister shuddered angrily, backed against the wall* What the smeg are you bleatin' about? Rimmer, what are you doin'? Get off! *he shoved the hologram hard, meeting his eyes determinedly, chin out, eyes narrowed* What the smeg's wrong wi' you?

*Rimmer glared back* Nothing’s wrong with me Listy, you’re the one with the smegged up head. *Rimmer trailed a finger up Lister’s exposed throat to his chin before turning away* 

You do realise that I'm a hallucination right?

[lemurnaut]

sexylightman started following you

[sexylightman]

“Lovely” Rimmer enthused, in his head he was pondering just how many languages the Lemur knew. He considered himself fluent speaker of Esperanto but if he tried to initiate a conversation with him in the language he’d be made to look foolish in some way. Smiling broadly he said through his teeth. “I wonder why this lift is moving so slow almost like it is coming to a stop. But we can’t…”  Suddenly there was a loud noise and the hologram and lemur were catapulted around the lift as something shook it. The lights in the lift cut out and Rimmer yelped in fright. He tried to grab onto a handrail instead grabbing Jean by the tail.

“Oh smeg!” he shrieked, dropping the tail before he was bitten or something “The elevator!” 

[lemurnaut]

“WHAT THE HELL!?” the lemur scrambled around the lift in a panic “What just happened? Are we going to die?” He quickly climbed up Rimmer’s leg, wrapping his limbs around his head, his tail tickling at the hologram’s nose.

[sexylightman]

Rimmer bit back a sneeze. "I don't smegging know!" he snapped underneath a mouthful of fur" He stood up carefully once the shaking had stopped and walked with Jean wrapped around his head and pressed the intercom button. 

"Smeg!" he swore when nothing happened. "Power must have been cut. If it was Hogey, I'm going to rip apart time and space and strangle the smegger." Rimmer sighed and sat down putting a hand to his head to play with his hair but instead he found himself with a handful of fur. He patted it, it was soothing and now he understood why his grandmother always had a cat on her lap. Although that cat wasn't alive. He really had a weird family.

"The only thing to do is to wait for the others to notice I'm missing." Rimmer mused aloud, "We don't have anything to prise the doors open with." 

[sexylightman]

  I just well yeah *rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment and looks down* *realises he has a great big eyeful of Lister’s crotch and quickly looks up again*   I just… I don’t know what that was but I… *pulls Lister down so he can whisper in his ear shyly*  I didn’t hate it… that much. *awkwardly peeks Lister on the cheek like a little kid*

[listerofsmeg-blog]

*smiles genuinely* Neither did I, Rimmer, neither did I. *kisses Rimmer softly*

[sexylightman]

*makes weird squeaky noises and goes beet red before leaping to his feet* Well uh excuse me Listy, *he manages to gasp out before making a beeline to the door*