My Mind......Enter if you dare. @shabori - Tumblr Blog

I was living a Rom Com earlier in the week. I had 2 guys suddenly wanting to date me.

Both of these guys started as coworkers.

Guy A had given me plenty of reasons why I should not date him anymore and why I should stay as friends with him. That was a consistent, along with sporadic communication. We had been friends and then tried dating, went back to friends, kept crossing the line of just friends but he never wanted to date or commit. I mean, he didn’t even want me to meet his friends, despite my repeated asking to meet his friends. His friends also kept asking if he was going to get serious about me or not. He gave me no hint as to there ever being a future of us.

Enter Guy B. I had talked to him here and there, whenever I worked with him. We got along fair enough and became friends. I dared to go on the hangout where I click with Guy B as though we've been best friends our entire lives even though it's been less than a year. Like we click really well. Eerily well.....

Let the adventure and chaos begin.

Day 1. Guy B and I had a hangout that turned into a date, that turned into calling dibs and being bf/gf in the span of 8 hours. We clicked really well, so well that we spooked each other with how well we clicked. We wanted to know more about each other. We discussed being friends vs dating vs calling dibs. Well we knew we wanted to at least date, so the idea of being just friends went out the window. Just dating meant someone could swoop in while we got to know each other. Nope. Considering calling dibs meant no one else could steal either party away while we learned more about each other. We called dibs. We then hung out more and enjoyed our time together, while comparing our views of a future with someone. During this time, Guy A messages me to check in with me, cause friends. I tell him I'm on a date..... the messages start flooding, way more than typical. He's surprised I'm going on dates again. He wants a hangout, not a date, to the movie the next couple of days. I say yes, since at this rate I thought we were movie buddies. I even emphasize being friends. I’m not countered.

Day 2. Guy B asks me over for dinner, as a date. I'm excited. During the day, while I'm working and waiting to go to the dinner date, Guy A messages me again. He starts by checking how my day is and how I am, cause friends. Well I tell him I've been asked for dinner. He continues casually. He checks about be going to the movies. Refuses to let me pay. I emphasize that we’re just friends and that I’ll drive by myself to get there. Then Guy A asks if I can see him later that night before he goes to work, like we had been trying to do for months. I remind him I'm going on a dinner date. Then he starts texting more, almost gushing, about how he really felt about me and how he was constantly trying to find the right time to ask me out on a date. I told him that he said he wasn't mature enough for me. That I told that shouldn't wait for him. And that it would be ok if I moved on. I reminded him of all this before I told him I would not date him.

Day 3. Guy A checks in and asked if we still wanted to go to the movies. I told him that we should meet face to face. I dropped the second bomb of news that I now had a boyfriend, Guy B. I wouldn't date him. I also had to tell him that he told me many things as to why I shouldn't be with him. I reminded him that he said that in a year’s time, he didn’t think he’d want to be with me so I shouldn’t wait for him. I reminded him that he stated he would chose his friends over his girl due to how previous girls were too clingy. I kept going. He finally understood that he sounded like an ass and a dick. It continued with us talking it out, including cluing him in that he made me live a Rom Com for now 3 days. I decided to not go to the movie with him. I also had him understand that I wasn't going to hang out with him as friends for a while.

Extra Note- Every time Guy A texted me, I told Guy B what Guy A was up to, Guy B was happy that he called dibs and that he was my boyfriend because we both figured that if we hadn't agreed the first day, someone else (specifically Guy A) might swoop it. We didn't imagine it would actually be a thing. Also, not everything is in here because not everything needs to be told, but this gets the gist.

That concludes this Rom Com adventure.

I got blindsided. I was trying hard not to date anyone. Then it happened.

So I got tired of waiting. My heart steered me to someone else so I can see about a potential for love.

So I got asked out and went on the date. And now it keeps building. I never expected this and it keep growing. Now I get to see where this adventure leads me.

I got tired. I couldn't wait. So I went on a date. I tried to wait for the immovable force. While I waited, another snuck in through my defenses. Now it's my turn to see what happens.

I don’t love being single. I read too much. I read webcomics and manga and romances that I wish we mine. Okay maybe not the storyline but the happy ending. I wish I could be happy with a person to make me whole again. But I am content being single at this moment, even though I wish it could change.

There are no words to describe the fact that I was rereading something I shouldn’t have. I should’ve left it stay in my inbox and catching dust from the virtual world. But to know that I was the light to his darkness. To know from him that he truly meant me in his story. If only he knew. If only he knew that he was just as much of a protector of light as a light to my own darkness. How I feared growing up. How the only thought that ever truly frightened me was him finding out if I ever had to go to the hospital for a 5th time for a surgery. It didn’t matter the status of friend, best friend or boyfriend. It frightened me the most to imagine the scenario where I would have to tell him that. To imagine him being in the chair as I woke up or entering the room. It frightened me to imagine putting him through that even though I had done the same for him.

He’s my rock. He’s my unknown protector. He’s my best friend. He was my boyfriend. I still love him. I know he knows. But I don’t think he understands. If I could jump through time to show him my perspective, but I can’t. How he feels towards another who turned his affection back towards friendship is how I feel. How it hurt that the one I know he has eyes for had the same namesake as a persona I chose. I kept thinking I chose that name for my persona due to a movie I loved. But I was always scared of a nagging thought that I chose the name so that I could hear the love of him saying that other’s name and think it was me. But I know that’s not true. I respect him and love him too much for that.

As I read more things, I can’t help but wonder. Would he ever feel the same love again or if it’s just a foolish girls’ dream? I keep wondering the question but never wanting the answer. He was the last one I dated. Since then I tried to get him off my mind. Tried to let the one resounding flaw of when we were together not hurt me. I communicated too much. That was the flaw. If I knew talking was what would push him away I would have stayed silent for him. Despite us both knowing I just couldn’t. The yearning and pinning is childish. I wish I would grow up. But hearing how others are falling in love or looking for guidance in love, I can’t help but wish on a star.

I always said if I were to date someone I would just want communication. It wasn’t to know if they loved me too or thought of me daily. It wasn’t to be a burden or pry about their day. It was to know that they were alive and safe. That’s all I ever wanted to know. A simple 2-4 word communication daily if we were apart. Morning/Good Morning and Night/Good Night. That’s all I ever wanted. But even that was too much for the one who I wanted to try giving my all to. The one who wouldn’t stay out of my thoughts and dreams. The one who made me understand many things about the world. The one who is the only person I ever regret moving far away from.

I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish I could’ve been within a distance that I could visit in a day when time allowed. I wish he knew. But then again he already knows so much.

The amount of times I have played one particular song in my mind due to him. “On My Own” From Les Mis. The words felt right to me every time I tried. I know that there are multiple interpretations of the song. Of her yearning for the man who took the other child away from the horrible situation to have taken her instead or as well. Or the most common one of her yearning for her best friend to notice her while she watched him pine for another and then marry the other.

In my life I’ve been blessed. In my life I’m aware of the amount of times I should’ve died. I’m aware of how high my nightmares were of me dying and leaving here.

He is the light in my own darkness. He is my own guardian. I never want to hurt him. I only wish he could see how much love I have for him. He is the only one my heart lingered on after we parted. I miss his hug. His laugh. His smile when he makes fun. His stumped face when I catch him off guard. I miss his charm. I miss seeing him in person. I miss feeling safe with him. I miss the ease of connection. I miss him more than I can truly say.

I can’t tell him that I’ve had a dream years ago, that I wrote down, where in my dream he proposed to me, only for me to be taken away from him. I can’t tell him that I just need to know if there is a chance he’ll love me again. I can’t tell him that if he chooses to never pick a person to be with forever then I’ll just wait and never let my heart stray. I can’t tell him that I never regretted the kiss or dating him. I can’t tell him. So much I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him that I considered looking to others only to pull back because they aren’t him.

I will never force him be mine. I know I have to be content with just loving him as his best friend. I know he will look to someone else. I know I will watch from behind.

I know I am using this as a random journal entry. But also to know what I finally tell him instead of writing it in a letter, forgetting it, and then failing to move on. Now I can try to remember my feelings if it ever comes across again.

The worst part to know..... is that he has access to this blog and post, and to know that he will not confront me on this due to not ever wanting to talk about this again. To know that the crush I had on him has been a full heart of love for years that I can’t quiet down. To know I will never have answers for any of the questions I ask about feelings.

So I sit. I stay. I don’t leave my position as best friend.

But... I’ll still love him, if only on my own.

I’m scared. I have no words to comprehensibly say all the emotions swirling like a storm inside me. I can’t tell anyone. And when I try, they all shut down. They think I’m being spiteful or joking. They don’t understand. I really have no place to go. I’m scrounging to get any job I can. I apply to all I can.

I’m scared. I am not scared about the job. I am scared about where to live. I have no home to return to once my summer job is done. I want a job where I can stay. I need a many year gig. Granted I’ll just take a place to live.

I’m scared and it’s affecting my work. I’m scared and there is no way to prove or show anything about how I feel. I cry internally. I have nightmares. I’m not to tell anyone about it either. Yet I know if it wasn’t for work, they’d all listen. They are all good people if work didn’t have us hardened at times.

I’m scared that no one cares. I’m pessimistic about people liking me while other times I’m typically optimistic. I appreciate my coworkers and roommates but I’m more willing to leave them alone and think they aren’t a fan of me. I have them on my mind but I doubt I cross theirs outside of work.

Mind reeling, heart racing, head pounding.

I wish I could write more. I don’t have ideas anymore. I have the inner demons to fight that I don’t want to deal with faux ones. The ones that I have as muses.

The fact that I take a chance to talk to strangers in any capacity. It’s good that I’m taking care of myself. Though the bonus is when I chat with a stranger on a whim and gain a friend.

Then that friend is someone I’m comfortable around. The only sad catch of the friendship is that they are an ocean away. 5 hours time difference. The even sadder is that I’ve only known them for a short and yet I would want to date them if I could. If oceans and distance were not the issue, I’d join them. Or I’d have them join me.

Would, could, if, a wish. All still wanting but not yet. Can’t seem to understand why my dream guy is living in another land.

shabori‌:

A girlfriend is not a therapist. A boyfriend is not a therapist. If you need a therapist, go to a therapist. Don’t hide a relationship under the guise of love just to have a instant guilt trip to then turn them into your free at home therapist. That’s not the point of a relationship.

This is still true. So I did myself the favor of while still single, I went to a therapist. I can’t be with someone else until I’m able to help myself. Though I can still flirt and dream.

A girlfriend is not a therapist. A boyfriend is not a therapist. If you need a therapist, go to a therapist. Don't hide a relationship under the guise of love just to have a instant guilt trip to then turn them into your free at home therapist. That's not the point of a relationship.

Things were meant to be different. Yet I got tired. Tired of feeling like a rebound. Tired of feeling like a title filler. Tired of feeling like a bully taking lunch money from a kid when I asked for help. Tired of feeling like a mom 2.0. Tired of not truly being heard. Tired of dating a child in an adult body. Tired of being the taxi. Tired of being the one to start the forward movement to be near each other in distance. Tired of trying to guess what you are thinking. Tired of the whining when things didn't go the way you planned it. Tired of the lack of communication until I pull it out of you.

What happened to maturity? What happened to understanding? Why must there be the whines of a toy being taken away before the understanding was to happen? I am not a toy. What happened to a give and take of a relationship? Not the part where I keep giving and you keep taking.

We are not compatible anymore. That is all I said. What more can I say when any feedback I speak makes me feel like I'm scolding a child instead of giving my side of the story to an adult.

Try and fail. I should've taken the hints. I didn't want to play a part that I wasn't anymore. The guilt trips that your voice would trigger.

The fact that you never tried anyone but me. Things have changed. I've matured. I've found a path I want to travel. The way our lives are, you are on a different path. We are meant to be parallel or cross now and then but never shall the paths merge so we travel together in that way.

The past had me broken when we parted. Now it was my turn. All I have is a heavy heart but I felt more free. The obligation that I wanted to do had turned to dread. Things changed. I just saw what was happening in the real world while you were stuck in a fantasy.

I wish you the best of luck. But never again am I to be yours in that way. Yet I can perhaps be your ear to turn to in time. You thanked me for the truth. So I gave it instead of deception to gain all the fun out of you like others spoke.

I chose truth instead of lies.

So I say,

Good luck and goodbye.

everythingfox

Black and white fox

dangdfeng

the fact that some painted bats in Thailand naturally come in orange and black Halloween colors makes me so happy you dont understand

the ultimate spook bois

berryartistic

🐾💮🐾💮 🐾💮🐾💮 🐾💮🐾💮

here it is at last, RED, our contribution to @liliesanthology ‘s 4th volume, Spider Lily!

for the spooky theme Miss Pi (@the-picayune) and I did a queer retelling of the Little Red Riding Hood fable, but the lines between who’s the big bad and who wears the cape are a little more blurry this time around

you can buy the entire anthology, which features this comic and over 200 more pages of gal pal goodness, in print or digitally from only a few dollars here. and if you like our work and enjoyed our comic, please consider donating to our ko-fi, so we can continue creating fun cute queer content!

awwww-cute

I have the REAL Scooby Doo (Source: https://ift.tt/2uX8Yab)

jazzypizzaz

bookcub

@logarithmicpanda

tastefullyoffensive

Hawkward. (via Jackalcakes)

A million thoughts, in my head. Will I find the right voice to be listening. Everybody’s always talking at me, everybody’s trying to get in my head. i need to listen to my own heart talking, need to count on myself instead.

I can’t even use my words, I have to use lyrics.

But am I truly not fitting in? To be told that I only understand those who play a role. And those who have that role/part of another persona to play understand me... Though it’s not my fault. The more I thought the more it came to be. All those I connect with who aren’t like that and those who are... all still allow themselves the element of childlike wonder. The way we connect to people is when our childlike giddiness line up. If I know nothing about your passion/childlike happiness moment.... then we can’t connect as easily. It’s not my fault we have nothing in common. But don’t take it out on me.

Some days I think that I’m supposed to run out of luck so that my friends can have their day of luck and things go their way. When will it be my turn?

peachou

Anxiety distraction games

I know with all that’s been happening that some of you have been feeling anxious so here’s some links to some of my favourite calming distraction games:

Art game