Life @shadowhunterwizard - Tumblr Blog

A tourist is hiking through the Scottish Highlands and stops to take a drink from a stream.

He hears a voice call out "Dinnae drink frae that, meester, it's a' fu' o' coo piss an' shite!".

Turning, the hiker sees a Scottish shepherd leaning on a stick, and he replies "I'm terribly sorry, but could you kindly repeat that in the King's English?"

And the shepherd says "Two hands sir - cup your two hands together or you'll spill it!"

badjokesbyjeff

A blonde is waiting table for a couple of guys, and one of them is telling a load of really obnoxious blonde jokes.

When he goes out to the men's room, the other diner beckons her over and says, "You know, I think Jack could stand to learn that blondes are smarter than he thinks. When he comes back, I'm going to write something on a napkin and ask you a question. Just remember to say 'one-third x cubed', okay?"

She mutters "one-third x cubed" a few times and then goes away. When Jack comes back, his friend calls her over, writes something on a napkin and says "Say, could you tell Jack what the answer to this is?"

The blonde looks at the napkin and reads out "...kind of a long S, x with a little two next to it, dx... Oh yeah, I know that one. It's 'one-third x cubed' ".

And as she turns to go, she looks back and adds "plus a constant of integration".

badjokesbyjeff

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Well??"

Mortified, he muttered sheepishly, "I, uh, yeah?"

Whack! The wooden spoon found its mark. "Don't you EVER," she sternly replied, "complain about my cooking again."

badjokesbyjeff

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are walking around London when a cat jumps on Watson and pees on him

"Oh bloody hell" says an upset Watson, "my shirt is ruined"

"Well, you got to take it up with the owner", says Sherlock calmly.

"I've no clue who the owner is!" shouts Watson, still angry.

"Well, my dear Watson", says Sherlock, "You are pissed on and pissed off at the same time, it's Schrödinger's cat"

memeuplift

newtonpermetersquare

effinbirds

THE W H A T NEWS

#cassandraclare #sword catcher #books and libraries #the ragpicker king

badjokesbyjeff

For all the single people thinking of getting married, here are the pros and cons:

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

badjokesbyjeff

Mr and Mrs Frog only had one tadpole, and they loved her so much.

Both of them has to enter the work force from a young age to support their family’s. Neither of them had any further education and their life’s desire was for their only daughter to have the opportunities they didn’t and to go to university, preferability Oxford or Cambridge. They worked every hour to secure extra tuition for their daughter and extra curriculum activities.

One morning there was the familiar thud of post on the doormat. Sat there, a letter clear embossed with the Oxford University crest.

Their daughter was at school. They both looked at each other. They both glanced at the clock, it was a Tuesday so after school she had extra maths, ballet class, and then chess club. It’s would be hours and hours before she would be home to open it herself and revel if her application was successful.

The air hang heavy with the ethical dilemma ahead of them…. They so desperately wanted to know if their life’s work, all their sacrifices, all their daughters hard work had paid off, equally, they respected their daughter and knew her trust in them would be crushed if they opened the letter before her.

Gently, they lifted the envelop up, time seemed to freeze. Then in a sudden, Mrs Frog ran to the kitchen, grabbed the kettle that was full of freshly boiled water and gently held the letter above it. Using the steam to attempt to gently unfurl the firmly glued seal on the envelope so they could glimpse the secret’s inside, before gluing it back down for their daughter to open in the evening, none the wiser. Minutes passes, the kettle was reboiled, the kitchen clock seemed to slow down, still only a tiny millimetre of the envelope seal had be carefully unfurled.

Mrs Frog looks up, sweaty, breathing heavy, and looks over to her husband. What should we do my dear? She asked?

Ripit! Ripit!

He replied

badjokesbyjeff

A man visits his Rabbi

One day, a Jewish man visits his rabbi, with a worried look on his face.

“Rabbi Moishe, I’ve got quite a problem. It’s my son, see. He went to Jerusalem to make pilgramage to the Wailing Wall, but when he came back, he’d become a Christian! I tried to ask him why he converted, but he didn’t give me a straight answer. How on earth do you think that happened?”

The other Rabbi clicks his tongue in disbelief. “I wish I could give you a good answer, but to tell you the truth, the exact same thing happened to me! My son wanted to follow in my footsteps, went to Jerusalem for a theological study trip, and came back a Christian. I just don’t know how it happened!”

Since they were at an impasse, the two men decided to pray to God and seek his aid with their problem.

“Oh graceful Elohim, we seek your counsel! We both sent our sons out to Jerusalem, but one way or another, they ended up Christian! How did this happen, oh Lord?”

There’s a few seconds of silence, before a great sigh comes from above, and a divine voice booms back to them.

“Guys, you won't believe what happened to my son…”

whoareyoueventhough

last night I had a dream that I met Bill and Ted, and I complimented Bills crop top and said something about how I would wear crop tops if my body was less bogus and he put a hand on my shoulder and said “what’s truly bogus is the way you think about yourself” and Ted nodded solemnly and then I woke up