[shadowysentinelmachine]

still figuring out how to properly use this site, and what to use it for.

[shadowysentinelmachine]

good vibes & trying really hard & working on my own personal growth & forgiving and forgetting & going on with my life & happy thoughts ARE NOT ENOUGH I NEED YOU TO FUCKING DIE

[shadowysentinelmachine]

I had another one of these nightmares again. to the point i woke up absolutely empty, teary-eyed and confused. I think I hit the two-week mark by now? I really need to start sleeping earlier. I just can't bear to see all the faces again. at least this time i didn't hear their voice. hearing a voice that you had already forgotten and just know who they're from after so many years really creeped me out. spent almost two days feeling like there was a hole in my chest, no joke.

[shadowysentinelmachine]

I drank even more. we are at the karaoke right now. i would still kiss them. albeit, i know i am happy. this is where i am supposed to be. i know i am supposed to be. i don't need to kiss them. i am intoxicated, yes! but that's the whole point, isn't it? i am drunk, and this time, i am an adult. it's okay for me to be so, so, so happy, and to feel like this is supposed to be. maybe, my mother and my father felt the same way, long ago. ain't this a milestone of life? I am happy. maybe this is an important step of life. to be drunk and think, "this is it. I figured it out." life is so beautiful when you are an hour and and half from home, and you can be free. you can be who you are supposed to be, with the colourful spinning lights that make you really dizzy.

[shadowysentinelmachine]

i ran to the bathroom in the middle of the party. drunk, yes, but not all of it it's because of the alcohol. my back against the wall, hoping so fucking much it was their back against the wall. i hope they can't see just how much i desire them. this desire that just straight up burns me from the inside

[shadowysentinelmachine]

I've been reflecting lately that i don't write anymore. I used to write poetry, but i lost that ability, likely due to the whole teenage mentality of "looking cool" and whatnot. Which is ironic, seeing that i am, indeed, a lit. major. i think i will try to exercise this habit here, in a completely anonymous account.

one thing that really blocks me from writing is that I have some past history in regards to privacy breaching. so i can't help but feel watched for about most of the time, even if i consciously know nobody is actively looking for my socials or something.

but, another thing that also blocks me, and you will have to forgive me as i become annoying - but i told you I'm a lit. major! -, is that one passage from the picture of Dorian gray: "every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the colored canvas, reveals himself. The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have shown with it the secret of my own soul."

as you can see, both things are linked. can't write because somebody may see; and if they see it, they may see me. and that is a thought I can't bear to entertain.

[shadowysentinelmachine]

recently, I went to a wedding. it was the first time going to a church after a long, long time. i cried during the ceremony, while repeatedly thinking "please come back to me". i still don't know, more than a month later, if i really meant that to the nailed man in the back, or to you.

[ahotknife]

i love the point in the hero’s journey where he gets bent over and railed until he cries

[noctthedoor]

Don’t leave this in the tags

[jiabisu]

[fethawit]

Most welcome, Mr Dekarios.

[moghedien]

it is so funny when you realize that by drow standards, especially drow noble house and ESPECIALLY Baenre standards, Minthara is the woke liberal

She is willing to work with men in leadership positions even post-mind control and she will actually compliment and admire their tyrannical prowess

She will argue that the refugees in Baldur’s Gate should be enslaved because it’s practical and better for them that way, not because they’re weak lesser races that deserve to be subjugated

Like she probably gets called a libtard at Spider Thanksgiving every year while all her relatives are trying to poison each other

[swordmaid]

✨ first light, astarion and the star of bethlehem - a flower that represents hope and forgiveness, purity and new beginnings.

for the @bg3flowerzine

[meanbossart]

POV: You've disturbed Astarion mid his afternoon sensual-half-clothed-bloodied-bed-lounge. What do you have to say for yourself?

[jiabisu]

[cher-ryz]

“I was cast into it” - Astarion