irrationally rational

we're all a little broken. some more cleanly and some more deeply.

[shainafpoetry]

Rose In A War Zone

I overthink too much, use my words as a crutch

Love me, love me not

Layered in shades of red

The outside looking weathered

And the birds sing a new tone

When i'm feeling like a rose, a rose in a war zone

Petals fall to the ground, get taken by the wind

Until they land in the palms of another wrong soul

And I couldn't have been told

That when my mind is stable

The world is shaking

When i'm feeling like a rose, a rose in a war zone

My wounds are covered with dirt

I hear gun shots and become more alert

Sticking out like a sore thumb, yet still in the scene

A mess and a complement of a dress, serenity is between

The world goes untouched, unbothered

Until disaster strikes again

I remember my roots and what I've sprouted to be

That's when I feel like a rose, a rose in a war zone

[shainafpoetry]

Ode To My Cat

I don't believe in heaven or hell, But I hope you've gone somewhere to quell your suffering The gray of your mind and white of your heart Was the spontaneity and serenity of the light in the dark You are the beauty in our serene memories I don't believe in a hint of black art, But if I did, I'd summon the evil spirits For taking your soul and leaving me with your body I'm sitting in my car and surrounded by silence Trying to find middle ground between a quiet act of defiance and being compliant How was I supposed to know That on Sunday, we'd find you screaming in the corner of the room Pacing and shaking and I too fall to the floor From my green eyes, I let the tears pour In that moment, I knew I could do nothing more I loved you with everything I could Lately, I figured you'd feel better Of course you would Little did I know that thought was filled in falsehood 13 years of laughs and affection I wouldn't have traded it for the world By people, I've been rejected, neglected, and subjected You'd run to me when I came home No matter what I've said and what I've done I'd count on you when I needed someone and anyone Here's to you and the luxurious life you lived Daily massages and sleeping wherever I cared for you endlessly and will miss you forever What you made me feel is what I'll always remember Rest easy and peacefully, sweetheart.

[shainafpoetry]

Wired

Wait, you don't have a boyfriend?

But, you're smart and pretty

So, I recommend you get Tinder or the like

It's okay to grow up and not be so childlike

Shaina, are you going to be asexual forever?

Well, whenever you date, you'll be happier

I didn't realize my happiness had to be reliant on someone out in the world I don't know exists

But wait, it doesn't

The first thing I do when I wake up is get dressed

I don't get dressed to be complimented by boys

So, who's to tell me when I look my best?

Yet, all I hear is the white noise of girls telling me if I put on a little makeup and dressed a little better, I could be happier

I'd be damned if my happiness was decided by anyone but me

Although, I agree with some that people see, I don't need constant validation by my side of who I am and who I am not to be

To love and lust for someone is not something I feel easily

Am I wired wrong? Hello, hello, how's the frequency? Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

I pretend it doesn't bother me

I want to be loved and I want to be heard

Without the stress of my body meaning more than my words

My body is mine and not a prize

But my words are for whoever is listening

And I don't owe anyone anything

You can look between the lines

I have no lies, look into my eyes

I am happy. I am satisfied.

I don't need to be told otherwise.

[shainafpoetry]

Looking

I thought I had what I was looking for

For I was looking to have company

Company to make me feel wanted

Wanted to make me feel like I'm not wasting my breath

Breathe. Just breathe.

That's what they told me to do when

I thought I had what I was looking for

Slipped through my fingers

Like picking up sand for the first time

Time is what heals you

You. It's funny how a pronoun can make me think of a certain name

Names will change on the place and time

Back to time. It's an illusion, really

I wouldnt't go back in time if I could

If I would, I wouldnt't change how we lived

We live and we learn and we take things for granted

Or we over appreciate things we shouldn't

If I had what I was looking for

I'd still be happy.

[shainafpoetry]

Machine Work

She finds herself going to bed early

And I find her doing so

I ask her if everything is okay

She says just yeah, like normally

And I wonder if that's the truth, surely

I know there's nothing I can say

Nothing I can do

That will make the pain less to go through

I can offer my comfort

Offer my advice

But it comes down to what's worth the price

Often said that in order to succeed

Education is the key

What about love?

If you don't love yourself

Then it's hard to try

If you're not loved by someone else

The scheme of higher education is hard to buy

Is it a scheme to pay thousands of that green?

In the end you get a piece of paper to

Prove to superiors you can copy what's on a screen

And you'll memorize it only to forget it

In and out

Just like a machine.

[hotelhalsey]

A Story Like Mine by Halsey

[shainafpoetry]

Words that Bleed

How such fine words live in the shadows of hell

What is hell anyway?

Perhaps, it is a feeling or a person.

A place, maybe not so, or so much.

When I find it hard to breathe

I go back to the words that bleed

Words that bleed.

How do I mean?

Written in red

A feeling is far from dead

Words emphasize beauty in certain pain

Beauty in certain pain

Tears of joy are a beautiful wonder

Tears of sorrow are not new

Yesterday, today, tomorrow.

My dear, I tell you

The words that bleed speak volumes

Volumes of kicking and screaming

Love that is only found when dreaming

My dear, I tell you

There is beauty in some pain.

Days we awaken and the world feels mundane

And existence feels feigned

How dreary, yes, but that is how we grow

Words that bleed are not written, unless

We feel inspired or the need to be heard.

When you find yourself in your version of hell

My dear, I tell you

Whether you write to feel all you feel

Whether you cry to feel what you didn't know you felt deeply

Whether you run to ignore how you feel

My dear, I tell you

Let it bleed.

[shainafpoetry]

You're Here

I might never be able to heal your pain

I will never be able to stop the rain,

But I can be who you go to when you’re not quite yourself

I can be who you go to when you’re thinking “I need more than myself”

When I saw something

Something you posted

I could tell you that you were upset

I hope you know that you deserve more

And I hope you’re figuring out how to soar

When you like going to music concerts

And when you like boasting your luck

You smile the way you should always do

In those moments, you’re here

Out of those moments, you know I’m here

And when you like reminiscing on late summer nights

And when you tell me about your dreams

I know you’re here

You’re here with me now

You might never meet people to give your heart to,

But you might never give the wrong people the right pieces

That doesn’t mean they don’t get the best of you

Because you offer much more than you see

You’re here with me now

When you like the camera on you when you’re not looking

And you remind yourself that you’re more than good looking

You’re here with me now

Yes, you’re here

When you like going to music concerts

And when you like boasting your luck

You smile the way you should always do

In those moments, you’re here

Out of those moments, you know I’m here

And when you like reminiscing on late summer nights

And when you tell me about your dreams

I know you’re here

You’re here with me now

Love yourself a little more somehow

[shainafpoetry]

Little Talks

When I’m alone

On my own

And there’s no where to go

Cause I know that I would

Go straight back to you

When I’m alone

In a crowded room

And there’s places to go,

But I can’t face the truth

Cause I know that I miss

My little talks with you

Two pairs of green and brown eyes

In the middle of the night

Saying words that deserved accepting

And I don’t even know

Where the story were to go

But we just kept flipping pages

And I know that it was wrong

To refuse to believe that I need to move on

I miss our little talks

Sat in the passenger seat of the car you used to call “the shit box”

I miss our little talks

Sat in the corner of whatever coffee shop

Oh, how I miss our little talks

The dialogue drops

And we turn to blank pages

Next thing I know

We’re both meeting new faces

I hold on to all that I know

You remind me to never let go

I know you’re still with me

Oh, how I miss our little talks

I know that it was wrong

To refuse to believe that I need to move on,

Then I realized I don’t need to move on

I’ll carry my bags and keep moving forward

Oh, how I miss our little talks

Sat in the passenger seat of the car you used to call “the shit box”

I miss our little talks

Sat in the corner of whatever coffee shop

Oh, how I miss our little talks

Two pairs of green and brown eyes

In the middle of the night

Oh, how I miss our little talks

[shainafpoetry]

Leave Me On The Other Side

Seeing you in those fitted jeans

Tell me

What else did I see?

But oh, I thought that I wanted more

You opened the door then shut me right out

I didn't expect to see you around here or ever again, I thought it was clear

You have your friends and I got mine

But, I did not think, they'd ever collide

But oh, I thought I needed you

Silly me, thinking you needed me too

Oddly enough, for a while that was true

But oh, I thought I wanted more

You opened the door then shut me right out

One year ago, I laid it all out

My heart and soul, I let it all go

Everything I thought about

Oh tears, and tears

Man, did I cry

Yet, you let me go on and never told me why

Today was just a deeper cut

A subtle move had me shaking in my boots

Oh why, oh why

Do you not care if I cry?

But, you know where it hurts

Oh tell me, tell me

What did I see?

Your snake moves not only proves

You lied to me and never felt free

It was unnecessarily out of key

I know damn well that you agree

I was never anything but polite and

You come around and think it's alright to

Pick up the feelings I left that night

I know I was out of line, but it felt right

Oh tell me, tell me

Tell me, please

Why did I deserve the feeling of misery?

But oh, I thought I wanted more

You opened the door then shut me right out

Oh tell, tell me

Tell me, please

Why.

[shainafpoetry]

We Can Rule the World

When we fly

We go 10,000 feet

Above the world

And that's when we know

We can rule the world

Those city lights

Don't seem so bright

Mesmerizing, satisfying,

But we can handle it

Soaring through

All day, all night,

But we know

We'll get there

Unknown faces, different places

Some crowded lives

But blank spaces

And that's when we know

We can rule the world

We've only got so much time

To cover the world

Uncover our prime

So, we'll work real hard

Put up our fights,

But we can handle it

My only hope is

That you feel the same

One day

We won’t feel so lame

When we fly

We can almost feel it

And that's when we know

We can rule the world

Soaring through

All day, all night,

But we know

We'll get there

Unknown faces, different places

Some crowded lives,

But blank spaces

And that's when we know

We can rule the world

Looking out the plane window

For me is

Just fine of a show

Mind wonders, ideas sprout

And, I'll tell you what It's all about

And, that's when I know I can rule the world

We will go together

Through the storm

Despite the weather

Ups and downs,

But it gets better

That's when we know

We can rule the world

[shainafpoetry]

That Would Have Been Enough

I had another dream

That it was just you and me

Another time, thought we were fine

But, oh no

You say I broke you somehow

Another day, turned into night

Laid on the floor

Felt my tears, glide down my pores

Oh no, I don't need this

And I don't need you

I need me more than you

So, I don't need you

If you told me you cared for me

That would have been enough

If you told me you loved me

That would have been enough

If you put yourself in my shoes

Instead of thinking it was all about you

That would have been enough

I told you all of my secrets

Things I've been holding back

And, I showed you the way

When you couldn't see the path

But, oh no

That wasn't enough for you

So, I don't need you

What I need is me more than you

So, I don't need you

When you realize you need me

Don't come back to me

When you're crying on your knees

I won't be there to help you breathe

If you told me you cared for me

That would have been enough

If you told me you loved me

That would have been enough

Suddenly, I feel like letting go

Of all the memories we made

And things I used to know

That would be enough

I had another dream

That it was just you and me

But, oh no

Now, I'm gone

That's enough.

[shainafpoetry]

One Question

I've got my bruises and scars

My blood and my tears

They'll tell you where I've gone

I'm trying my best to face my fears

I've only got one question

And this is my confession

Does it ever bother you?

We don't talk like we used to

This time, I can't help but say

I fell for your words and I thought you'd stay

And it comes down to this,

But it's hard enough to say this

Does it ever bother you?

We don't talk like we used to

I remember when we started out

And, I was trying to stay strong

With what I was feeling

And, I was trying not to be revealing,

But that didn't go so well

I've realized that you're slowly leaving

And everything we had is broken

All I had to say was spoken, but

I've only got one question

And this is my confession

Does it ever bother you?

We don't talk like we used to

Where we stand tomorrow doesn't differ from today

It's not worth trying to go this way

Your mind is made and it can't be swayed

Does it ever bother you?

I feel like I've been played

I think I'm taking two steps forward

But, I'm really standing in place

I've been trying to leave this place

But does it ever bother you?

The look I've had on my face

I've only got one question

And this is my confession

Does it ever bother you?

We don't talk like we used to

I've tried not letting it get to me and get me down

But, I've been to rock bottom and back around

I pulled you in close

Now, I'm watching you go

But, I've got one question

Does it ever bother you?

We don't talk anymore. So,

Does it ever bother you?

[shainafpoetry]

Drugs in Paradise

That was me swallowing a pill that wasn't mine

I knew something didn't feel right that night and

Baby, I got drunk on your eyes and

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

When things got dry, I needed to add some spice

Like anything in life, I was taking a risk

I was rolling the dice

Soon, I wasn't even thinking twice, so I

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

I got drunk on your eyes and sipped all of your lies

I took your medication and paid the price

Lost who I was and who I wanted to be, so I

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

On lonely nights, I couldn't seem to sleep

I thought about you and thought about me

My mind was racing, I couldn't feel at ease

I knew it wouldn't be easy, so I

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

I told myself I didn't care that you didn't care

Who was I kidding?

I couldn't help but stare

When I was drunk on your eyes and I

Couldn't help but cry, so I

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

I got drunk on your eyes and sipped all of your lies

I took your medication and paid the price

Lost who I was and who I wanted to be, so I

Went back to the pills

That was me doing drugs in paradise

That was me swallowing a pill that wasn't mine

I knew something didn't feel right that time

Baby, I got drunk on your eyes and ignored the lies

So, I

Went back to the pills, that was me doing

Drugs in paradise

[shainafpoetry]

Believe In Me

Behind your lies

I look into your eyes

And see different words

Than what's spilling from your mouth.

I'm just trying to find my peace of mind

And figure this whole thing out

Now, I realize, you have no idea

What the hell you're talking about.

Everyone says that I'm worth more than I realize

But lately, I don't feel so wise

Nights where I can't seem to sleep

I walk these city streets, alone

I look for something a little more deep.

I feel alone, no matter how many people I talk to over the phone

I don't know which way I'm supposed to go

I go until there's something more I know

I tried hard to hold on, but I know I have to let go.

It's not the way it used to be, and now I see

I need to believe in me.

I told you everything and gave my trust,

But you left me somewhere in the dust

One thing I always ask, why do I try so hard?

I get picked up and soon get kicked to the yard.

Back to the city streets, where the lights are always on

It's not the lawn, just me, and the city waiting for a new dawn

I'm insecure and I'm not always sure

Whether or not I deserve more.

Sometimes, I settle for the slightest

And other times, I push it to the limit

Behind your lies

I look into your eyes

I know I have to let go

One thing I need to feel free

I need to believe in me.

[shainafpoetry]

But I Don't Miss You

I miss you missing me

But, I don’t miss you

I miss you telling me I was funny

I miss you telling me I have good advice

But, I don’t miss you

I used to have hope

Which turned out to be false

A cruel game, now, it hurts to see your name

I used to think it was love

So, you’d think I’d be missing you

But, I don’t miss you

I used to think that I was happy

What you’ve done to me, I was never

I used to think we’d be close forever

Now that it’s said and done

I’d like to find someone

That doesn’t play me like a fool

I was too high on your drug

But ,all of my words were said sober

I said what I said, we’re only getting older

It’s time to face the truth

I’m over you

It’s not what I thought I knew

I feel sick and I’m turning blue

But, I don’t miss you

The nights are getting colder

I’d like to hold someone a little closer

I used to tell you everything

Now, it’s not anything

I miss how I used to feel

But, I don’t miss you

I looked up and you were a star in the sky

But, you’re really the dark side of the moon and you lie

I was too high on your drug

All of my words were said sober

I said what I said, we’re only getting older

It’s time to face the truth

I don’t miss you

[irrati0nallyrati0nal]

I crave you in the most innocent way To hold your hand To hear you breathe To know it’s real That you’re here with me

(via pr0miser)