Hanalei sand. The sand in Hanalei is so fine that it makes its way into places you never thought possible. Wearing socks in your sneakers? Sand will get there too. Days after visiting the beach, you'll still be cleaning sand from your hair.
During the summer, the Milky Way is visible from my backyard. This is a photo I took on one of the last nights of summer. Kaumakani, Hawaii is known as one of the best stargazing places on the island due to low levels of light pollution.
In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.
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But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.
Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker (via quoted-books)
Learning became her. She loved the smell of the book from the shelves, the type on the pages, the sense that the world was an infinite but knowable place. Every fact she learned seemed to open another question, and for every question there was another book.
Robert Goolrick, A Reliable Wife (via quoted-books)
Because I Said So: The Secrets of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissism: noun
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
I always told myself that my experiences were not truly traumatic unless they caused flashbacks. Then I found myself crying, listening to my best friend’s mom yell at one of her children, just like my father yelled at my mother and I, and suddenly I knew they were.
Narcissism, as a personality trait, is multiplying rapidly. According to McGraw-Hill, a 2008 study found that 7.7% of men and 4.8% of women in the United States could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic parents can easily slip into a cycle of abuse -- one symptom of seeing their own ideas and needs as more important than everyone else’s. They can resort to psychological, emotional, verbal, and even physical or sexual abuse in order to control their household.
Children in these households learn early that their feelings and ideas are unimportant. Under the shadow of a narcissist, you are told that you are not good enough, that you don’t know anything, that you’re not allowed to do certain things “because I said so.” Ultimately, you believe there is something wrong with you. Or that you are worthless.
These children know that the kindness these parents may otherwise display comes at a cost. It's a tightrope walk, trying to keep a narcissistic parent "happy."
What makes narcissistic abuse even more malignant is that it feeds itself. Children who grow up with a low self-esteem may find themselves adopting the same narcissistic behavior as their parents in order to cope.
However, this type of abuse is often overlooked -- even normalized. We think, "His parents are controlling," not, "He is the victim of abuse."
Even after my father left, I would not allow myself to grieve. I thought, “There are zillions of children who had it worse than me. I was never beaten or raped. What do I have to complain about? My pain is just a joke.”
Then I had a sudden realization: there is something inherently wrong about feeling pain and thinking it is unworthy -- you are unworthy -- of voicing.
Abuse does not just take the form of black eyes and cigarette burns. The pain that comes from narcissistic abuse is one that lasts your entire life. It is a shadow over your relationships, your friends, and your family. And it needs healing just as much as a bruise or a welt.
One of the reasons it exists in a cloud of relative unconcern is the intimate nature of the relationship between a parent and child. Someone from the outside may simply be unable to see it for what it is.
But I know that what my father did to us was wrong. I was abused. I am damaged.
I can feel the weight of the past on my shoulders, yet somehow, letting myself feel its weight, I am more free. In order to move on, we have to first accept that we are wounded.
Here are some resources for learning more about narcissistic abuse, its causes, and how to recover from its effects:
Deconstructing Jezebel, Section on Narcissistic Parenting; If you only read one article on the topic, make it this one.
Band Back Together; a detailed explanation of narcissistic parenting, personal stories dealing with narcissistic abuse
Wikipedia; article about narcissistic abuse
Deconstructing Jezebel; a good resource "deconstructing" the issue
It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.
Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Good Omens (via quoted-books)
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