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blog for my messy feelings bigender - she/they

[capitalist-realism]

[shakingleafs]

IM GOING TO DRIVE INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC

[amajorsystem]

[shakingleafs]

thinking about having a manic episode, haven’t had one in a while. or dissociating. again.

[shakingleafs]

everything hurts so bad

[shakingleafs]

iI love when i can’t get my meds on time bc of shortages—the withdrawal reminds me of how much i hate myself and how badly i want to blow my brains out LOL!!!11111

[shakingleafs]

u want to eat food??? no! you don’t deserve food! no one loves you! every day is a nightmare :)!!!

[shakingleafs]

do not remember writing this if im being honest

[shakingleafs]

iI love when i can’t get my meds on time bc of shortages—the withdrawal reminds me of how much i hate myself and how badly i want to blow my brains out LOL!!!11111

[shakingleafs]

u want to eat food??? no! you don’t deserve food! no one loves you! every day is a nightmare :)!!!

[shakingleafs]

iI love when i can’t get my meds on time bc of shortages—the withdrawal reminds me of how much i hate myself and how badly i want to blow my brains out LOL!!!11111

[shakingleafs]

nothing feels real rn. it’s like im walking through a fog. and im being constantly jump scared by work related stuff; and then im back in the haze. i can’t remember what i ate for breakfast or when i woke up. i know *i* did those things and was present for it, but it feels like it either happened years ago or two seconds ago.

[shakingleafs]

it’s hard to even try to find or convey the right emotion for this. a week ago i felt like a live wire or open nerves and now it’s like the nerves are dead. a bunch of shitty stuff just kept happening at work and i just kept going “ok.” i would have people yelling at me and i would be staring at the wall behind them. no thoughts. no commentary in my head. blank, empty. nothing. it’s like someone poured tv static into my head

[shakingleafs]

nothing feels real rn. it’s like im walking through a fog. and im being constantly jump scared by work related stuff; and then im back in the haze. i can’t remember what i ate for breakfast or when i woke up. i know *i* did those things and was present for it, but it feels like it either happened years ago or two seconds ago.

[shakingleafs]

it’s nice realizing im in a better place than i was a year ago

[old-worm-deactivated20240204]

[shakingleafs]

every time i hold a pen or pencil in my hand and stare at a canvas in front of me something in my head stills. like trying to flick on a light switch when the power is out. my head goes from all this noise and loudness and screaming to. nothing. it’s silent—so eerily silent and my body can’t seem to comprehend it so i start pulling at my hair. it ends up being an hour and a half later and im still hunched over, pen in one hand and tightly gripping at my scalp with the other. there’s hair and balled up paper everywhere and i don’t remember when i started crying

[shakingleafs]

it’s not coming natural to me any more. i can’t just sit down and doodle what’s on my mind. it’s been almost an entire year since i’ve felt this way now. when does it stop??? when does it end??? i want to create!! please let me create!!

[shakingleafs]

every time i hold a pen or pencil in my hand and stare at a canvas in front of me something in my head stills. like trying to flick on a light switch when the power is out. my head goes from all this noise and loudness and screaming to. nothing. it’s silent—so eerily silent and my body can’t seem to comprehend it so i start pulling at my hair. it ends up being an hour and a half later and im still hunched over, pen in one hand and tightly gripping at my scalp with the other. there’s hair and balled up paper everywhere and i don’t remember when i started crying

[metamorphesque]

food as a metaphor for love

Christopher Citro, First Love 初恋, Maya Angelou, In the Mood for Love, Brenda Hillman, Our Blues 우리들의 블루스, Jericho Brown, My Liberation Notes 나의 해방일지,  Jeanette Winterson

buy me a coffee

[shakingleafs]

i must hope and hold on. hope and hold on. it will get better.

[mjulmjul]

happiness