life is really hard so go pet a dog

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[homoz]

[friendlyblob-deactivated2018020]

when i make an important phonecall

[lmaonade]

girlfriend: *tries to boop my nose*

me, knowing if she does so the top of my head will pop open to reveal a gamecube disc reader: haha babe stoooooop

[powerfulwizard]

My Uber driver is playing a talk debunking white supremacist talking points

[powerfulwizard]

I love this concept, I’ll drive you to the bar but we’re going to unlearn white supremacy on the way.

[doppelgender]

in 2017 my brother got a straw hat and was like “im being farmer john for halloween” and when i asked who that was he said “just the concept of farming” 

[mqs1-deactivated20180318]

mime owners: this is claude st. pierre, we adopted him two years ago. he’s a third generation french mime with roots in the early carnie awakening. we only feed him hand toasted vegan peanuts and paleo candy floss

fool owners: this is hoops he likes jokes

[gamecubewizard]

this post came from a darker universe

[afabhysteria]

sick of having to pretend to know stuff about things. i don’t know anything about any stuff

[beeefy]

u lie down and its like (• ) ( •) and thats just how it is

[ryanthedemiguy]

You lie on your side and it’s just (•)(• )

[freudiandip]

what kind of eyes do y’all have 

[carnival-phantasm]

Lost in my hubris, I decide to bite this monstrosity and it explodes, nutting boiling butter into my trachea, sealing it. In a minute I’m lying dead on the ground, as God and nature intended. 

[carnival-phantasm]

I kind of wanna die

[alexxdz]

fried

C O K E !?

[grimm-jimm]

Yeah, it be like that here in America sometimes.

[forgamers]

[brwnsugatiddies]

omfg

[uncle-beanbag]

How the fuck

[i-dont-have-a-computer-deactiva]

[hotvampireadjacent]

and people say video games aren’t art

[cikero]

no one:

business majors: I have to be as unethical as possible

[thecryptkeeper]

my organs after eating like shit all day

[rockelope]

[thequantumqueer]

[6balls]

today i finally put together a “book” that one of my classes wrote together last year and felt it was necessary to bring back this classic not-at-all-prompted contribution from a then 7 year old: “I got stuck in a castle. I was in its jail. They did not feeded me all I had was a porta potty. I was in jail because I didn’t even know there were taxes there. Except I lied. I read a lot about England and I decided I did not want to pay taxes.” 

[6balls]

please appreciate that this child was free to write about literally whatever she could imagine about herself time traveling and she wrote about being jailed for tax evasion in the middle ages

[powerfrogarchive-deactivated201]

house arrest is so funny to me. you commited crimes, stay home

[givemeinternet]

[honey-dippers-deactivated201907]

God, listening to John Mulaney talk about doing hard fucking drugs in his youth is like hearing a nun reminisce on her last orgy before she converted. What do you mean you didn’t come out of the womb with a fatherly demeanor and crippling anxiety?

[paramud]

The hardest drug I can picture John Mulvaney doing is a bottle of tums