Find me on Sargatanas! Raia Nerune@Sargatanas ! *** This is primarily a gaming/ Final Fantasy 14 blog. HOWEVER, it will still feature other fandoms I follow. *** WWE - Video Games (Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Legend of Zelda, Mario, and more) -- TV (SPN, Sabrina) -- Music -- Real Life Rants *** Do note: I'm not always positive - no human is always positive. I am just me. That's all there is to it. Header by tumblr.com/seabound-dragoon check em out!
I have nothing left here. No one left. I've tried to keep in contact with people privately on here. And I get it. Life life's sometimes. But... like.... if you don't want to talk to me, just say so.
And it sucks to think that. There was once a time this site and my little group of fellow gremlins were the only thing keeping me trucking.
Like nearly DYING from a bleeding stomach ulcer (Normal hemoglobin is around 11- like 16. I walked into the ER with a 3.6 -__-). Nearly dying 3 more in times the following spring from a hellacious reaction to oral Depo Provera and needing a hysterectomy because of it.
Like when I kept catching my husband fucking around on PSN and FB and other sites. TO HIM GOING TO A SO CALLED DOM FOR PUNISHMENT AND OTHER INTIMATE BULLSHIT.
And sure I disappeared for a while after almost losing my dad and him being amputated in a wreck.
Then last year my world got absolutely FUCKING ROCKED with the diagnosis, decline and passing of my mother from triple negative metastatic breast cancer. She was diagnosed in May. She was gone November 4.
And I try to put my best face forward for everyone. I try to be happy go lucky and not drag negativity or my emotions into shit cause it brings the group down (yep, I fucking know about that shit). But my life isn't sunshine and fucking rainbows all the time. I'm struggling to survive on multiple fronts. My marriage, inane amounts of tragedy and loss in a short time, barely making financially, my body is crapping out of me (like I legit can't stand on my feet more than a fucking hour without numbess transitioning in god awful pain and weakness cause my lower lumbar is FUCKED).
And I miss my friends on here. I'm so alone in my real life. I just miss this.
I wish them well.
I wish this hellscape the best.
If you want to find me, you can catch me over on bluesky https://bsky.app/profile/jrae03.bsky.social
May 4th marked six months since my mom's been gone. already. I still have her last moments vividly in my brain as if it were recent. then may 7th would have been her 59th birthday. then may 11th was mother's day and were not coming up it being one year since her liver tried to fail due to the cancer.
im....not okay. truthfully. i see her everywhere. i see my friends with their mothers on mothers day and my friends kids having their grandmother still and im just... not okay. my nieces are missing out on someone who very much wanted to be here for them.
and instead she was called to the other side.
someone please tell me these feelings will fade and be easier to live with.
I've been away from this site for a while and I miss it in some ways.
Between health and what not I just haven't had the energy for it.
Like recently - I had a mammogram to set up a baseline history. Well wouldn't ya know it?
They found a small oval spot in my left tata. Doctor isn't super concerned because there's not a lot else showing and thankfully I don't have dense breast tissue, I'm almost all fat which makes identification easier. I have an ultrasound scheduled.
I'm low key nervous about all this in the back of my mind. :S
These new Love And Deepspace cards..... There may or may not be a fanfic or two coming out of these. Namely one involving the doctor and one involving the silver haired dragon....
As the nieces are getting older, they're slowly weeding out their mid-day naps short of being sick or not sleeping well. Which means Aunt Js lunch time is getting shorter and shorter meaning I need things that are quick, keep me full and won't break the bank. Ideally things I can prep for 2 or 3 days (Thursday, Friday and Saturday) that I can grab and dash out the door as it's early in the morning and blenders aren't known for being quiet. I'm open to meal replacement shakes, protein shakes, budget friendly meals etc. I need roughly 3 weeks worth of ideas. Anyone got a good site etc. I can pop by?
in retrospect, there's really no other way this night could've possibly ended.
zayne likes to think that he tried. that he had exercised as much restraint as he could. that the only reason he's got his lips on your skin, planting wet kisses that trails along the path of your collarbone, is because truly, he's been pushed to the brink of his self control.
but is he really to blame when you looked absolutely divine in that dress?
"z-zayne, we have to go ..."
your words fail to register in his mind, anything and everything but the tiny sounds you make enters one ear and slides right out the other. he almost feels bad now, the memory of how ecstatic you were when he'd invited you as his plus one to a banquet hosted by akso hospital three weeks ago flashes before him. how that excitement grew tenfold when you told him about the dress you'd bought to surprise him with.
and he certainly was surprised, pleasantly so, when the sight of your bare back greeted him as he entered his bedroom.
zayne stops in his tracks, feet feeling like they've been permanently rooted to the carpeted floor of his bedroom.
you're seated in front of the vanity table he'd put together for you. the size of it is nothing like the one you have at your apartment, but it shares a similar design, the same wooden accents. it's enough that you can get ready for anything without having to make a stop at your place. he'd bought it when you first began to spend the night at his apartment.
lately though, you've been spending the better part of each week in his place. zayne's been reminding himself to build up the courage to ask you to move in with him.
he's supposed to be used to this. to your back facing him. to your eyes lighting up when you catch sight of his figure through the reflection of your vanity mirror. to you pausing in the middle of your routine to turn around, greet him with that smile of yours that sends an ache in his heart.
but this damned dress.
he forces his feet off the floor to move towards you, his heavy footsteps catching your attention. you flash him a sheepish smile, your eyes flitting towards the jacket of his dress suit draped on his arm.
"have i been taking too long?" you ask, hurriedly dragging the tip of your eyeliner to your lids.
"no," zayne stalks close enough to place his hands on the back of your chair. he drinks you in, eyes casting downwards to the fabric pooling at your lower back. your hair is pulled up to a loose bun, fastened with a clip shaped into a snowflake, leaving your bare shoulders to view. he takes the thin strap of your dress betwixt thumb and forefinger, fighting the immense urge to pull the flimsy fabric off.
it's a losing battle, and zayne succumbs to his desires in a matter of seconds. he leans down, planting one tender kiss on the base of your neck.
he holds your gaze through the mirror as he releases his hold on the strap, letting it fall just above your elbow. he uses the same fingers to map out the scars littered on your back.
"no, you're alright."
"i'm-" your words get caught in a choke. "i'm almost done. why don't you wait for me here?"
"of course." zayne kisses your cheek before taking a seat on the edge of his bed. his eyes bore into you with an intensity that you can feel, enough to induce a tremble in your hands as you add the finishing touches to your make up.
"done!" you begin tidying up your table, placing the brushes back to their compartments. "just need to put my heels on."
"allow me." zayne very nearly bolts from the bed. he takes your heels by the straps from their place beside your vanity.
slowly, zayne kneels before you.
it's then that zayne notices another ... feature of your dress, discovering a slit that goes right up to your thigh. he freezes, hands ghosting your ankle, a field of smooth skin staring at him. possibly taunting him. definitely not helping his pants that seem to be growing tighter by the minute.
"love? are you okay?"
and you had the nerve to ask. surely, you must be aware of your effect on him by now?
"yes." he breathes out an apology, sucking the air through his nose as he slides your feet into the shoe. his fingers find the straps, wrapping them around and working up your leg the way he's watched you do so countless times before. he moves closer, reaching behind your leg to tie the straps together into what he hopes is a neat bow over your calf.
zayne repeats the process with your other shoe, but this time, he lets himself linger. lets his fingers run past your leg, over your knee, until they land on your thigh. lets them prod lightly at the flesh, encasing the muscle with his palm. lets himself lean down, low enough that from your point of view, it looks he's bowing to you.
he places a kiss, first over the strap of your heels that he's just worked on, the material an odd intrusion to his moisturized lips. then another, on your knee. and finally, his lips replace the palm on your thigh.
you shiver at the sudden loss of warmth, but you find soon enough that zayne never intended on keeping his hands away from you for long.
his hand glides further up, slipping beneath the fabric of your dress where it finds itself a home there.
zayne is too caught up in you, plush skin, enchanting perfume, this godforsaken dress, to hear your voice. he's only knocked out of his trance when he feels your hand cup his cheek.
"zayne?" he looks up, chin resting on your thigh. there's a flush to your cheeks, an obvious difficulty in the way you breathe. "we're going to be late."
he nods, pushing himself off the floor. he holds his hand out for you take and gladly, you slip your hand into his with a smile, using him as leverage to stand up.
zayne makes it about halfway through the living room before something in him snaps. he strides across his apartment, footsteps quick and erratic, almost tripping over his own feet.
you hear him from where you stood before his front door, turning around with the knob between your hand to ask him if he's okay. you get barely a word out of your mouth when zayne crashes his lips onto yours.
and that's how you find yourself now, pinned against the door of his apartment, clinging to his shoulders as your legs begin to go limp.
zayne kisses you everywhere, frenzied lips travelling from your neck, the exposed skin of your cleavage. he gives you not even a second to breathe before he's back on your lips. his hands behave similarly, squeezing at every inch of skin his fingers come across.
"i'm sorry." he sends a stream of warm air to your neck, nipping lightly at the skin. "it's just- you look so- god, it's this dress."
"the event-!" zayne cuts you off by sucking at your neck hard enough that it's bound to leave a mark.
"to hell with it."
you yelp when he cradles the back of your thighs to lift you up with ease. instinctively, you wrap your legs around his lower back, bringing him close enough that you can feel the bulge poking through his pants.
"the things you do to me..." zayne whispers over your lips. he eases your entire body into just one of hands, the other moving up to your face, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "god, you have no idea."
except, you think you know exactly what you do to him, when he starts making his way back to the bedroom, lips eternally attached to yours.
I made the mistake of going through my mom's photos and videos on her SD card from her phone. I was trying to find pictures for her slide show at the celebration of life. And I stumbled across a video message she sent to the nieces one time. And I cried. It'd been weeks since I heard her voice.
I go quickly from my first birthday without momma, to the first thanksgiving without her and her husband - my step-dad - who is recovering from a major heartattack and triple bypass surgery in North Dakota after going up there after his dad died a week after mom... to the first Christmas and New Year without her.
It's such a hard thing to grasp. I think cause I'm still living in her house. Where she lived. Where she died. I still come home sometimes excited by a funny story about my nieces wanting to tell her about it and I get to the door and it's like 'dumbass you forgot...'.
I'm trying to hold myself together for everyone else. But damn..is it hard.
No phone calls or voice messages 'Happy birthday babygirl' or FB posts. And my stepdad is states away fighting to come back from a heart attack and triple bypass surgery after HIS dad passed on the 11th after momma on the 4th...
As much as my husband has tried to make sure I had a good time this evening and I love him for it... it's still tainted. It always will be. But I know the years will get easier to handle as they go by - this was just so close in time to her passing it was extra rough.
Miss you, Momma. This shit sucks.
Happy birthday to me. *half heartedly throws confetti in the air* Huz...zah...
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
baratheonpilled
