dear diary

jane doe

[she-who-loves]

today i buried my great grandma

your body was being lowered into the ground

fifteen pairs of eyes were watching

at that moment i knew

i never wanted to have people at my own funeral

the history your body has been through

will no longer be able to tell its side of the story

no longer will i be able to honestly answer the question

“have you been eating enough”

without fearing ridicule, judgment, and anger

i didn’t cry

i couldn’t cry

the priest holding the eulogy, because none of us could put into words how much we loved you, was full of shit

i’m sorry i didn’t visit more

i’m sorry i didn’t call

i’m sorry i couldn’t say this while standing over your coffin

[queenjsxo]

[theteenquotes]

[she-who-loves]

was it the fact that i was clean for one and a half years pissing you off?

was the fact that i spoke my mind bothering you?

because believe it or not your words hit deeper than i could have ever imagine.

i don't want to be like my father, yet you accused me of being just that.

so thank you, that after one and a half years of trying, trying to not hate myself, trying to not harm myself you have managed to do exactly that.

in not even two whole sentences you have manage to destroy one and a half years of work.

[thegoodvybe]

[she-who-loves]

if i had successfully committed suicide

I did not do this for attention.

I did not do this to make you feel bad about me.

I did this because in my eyes there was no end to the pain.

My life is not bad,

you might even go so far as to say,

there is no reason for me to feel this way.

I am sorry I wasnt enough.

I'm sorry I wasn't your first choice.

I have two amazing best friends and I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

They are the kind of people who I could call at 2am.

I have alot of amazing friends,

but I just can't seem to focus on the good for longer than a few seconds,

because as soon as the people turn away or they tone down the music,

the feeling of not being enough comes back and I don't know how to stop it.

It's not like this happend for one day to another,

suddenly I decided to become depressed and suicidal.

Your humor is hilarious,

ha ha ha.

No.

It was a feeling that built up over time. 

A feeling that grew every time someone sneered,

commented or ignored me.

Alot of people will tell you that I was always a happy person.

Well at least I tried.

I mean,

why would I want to make another person feel the way I am feeling.

Why would I want someone else to commit suicide?

I'm the person who talk people out of feeling bad and I feel good every time I can help.

But the thing about helping others is that sometimed you get the doubts.

Sometimes you are the one in the corner crying,

begging for it to stop.

And then when you look around for a liferaft to keep you afloat,

there is no one there because everyone is assuming that you are okay.

But you're not okay,

you're drowing,

but no one is seeing it.

If you think about it,

wouldnt your birthday be the perfect day to kill yourself?

It's the day everything began.

Shouldn't it also be the day your life should end?

The reason suicide is a sin in most religions,

is because killing yourself is the only thing god can not control. You're basically beating god at his own game.

I'm not scared of dieing.

I'm scared of being forgotten.

Last year a guy at my school killed himself.

I went to the funeral.

I didn't know him.

But I thought,

I owed him some sort of respect.

It takes a lot of courage to kill oneself.

Going into the unknown.

I don't even know.

You tried so hard to change my mind. You were so incredibly sweet.

You never tried to change it.

You tried to make things matter.

You understood that if something matters,

it might give me a reason to stay.

I just wish I could see how people would react to my suicide.

What they would say,

who would cry,

who wouldn't go to school,

who wouldn't be able to speak.

The reason being that right now,

I don't see that anyone would really miss me.

I mean sure in the first few days.

But after that.

No one really.

[thepersonalquotes]

[she-who-loves]

to be honest i am not happy

neither am i sad.

i am just numb.

i drink coffee to wake up

and take pills to fall asleep

[latenights]

Dark times teach you a lot. That’s why you can’t regret what you went through, but rather be thankful for all the lesson it taught you

[she-who-loves]

i thought we were meant to be in each others lives forever. i guess you didn't share my opinion.

- no longer friends

[she-who-loves]

loved you once shame on me. loved you twice I've moved to the graveyard, come visit me.

[she-who-loves]

claustrophobia, parties, going outside and cutting my wrists

dear world wide web,

do you have a parent or a guardian figure? i am asking this because right now i kinda wish i didnt. i know i know watch what you wish for but, right now my life would be better if i didnt have a parent that is keeping me locked in my apartment (figuratively) and wount let me out.

it feels like i am being buried alive. i cant breath. ive been crying quietly for the past half hour. i just cant seem to stop. i want to cut open my wrists just to feel anything else than my constricted lungs, that barely fill with oxygen. it probably doesnt help that i have claustrophobia and my room is virtually tiny. at this moment in time, it seems as if i want nothing else as to not exist, to never have had existed. but that wasnt my fucking decision to make. shouldnt the kid be allowed to have the choice? live a horrible life on a dying planet or simply dont feel, exsist, or even being aware of there being life at all. right now the decision would be the latter. weird if you think of it. in an alternate universe i dont exist. i do not exist. that seems comforting in some sort of way, at least to me it does.

- jane doe

[draeneii]

Websites for when you want to:

un-disgruntle yourself

comfort someone

be comforted

go to a quiet place

press a magic button and fix everything

get a hug

see something cute

hear rain noises

play cute games 

cut something/someone (blood)

break something

open a window

have a guided relaxation

listen to nature sounds (or here)

do nothing for 2 minutes

play the piano

make cute ecards

make cool music 

get an idea for what to do

avoid boredom

watch a dream

have a stickman adventure

play a fun and philosophical game

talk to someone

make sand designs

listen to ambient coffee shop noise

turn off addicting sites so you can study (mac only)

make cool symmetrical designs

get your thoughts out of your head

play a cool game

be calm

sort through something that’s been troubling you

look at the galaxy

[thelovejournals]

Be with someone that requires you to grow, makes you forget your problems, holds your hand, likes to kiss, appreciates art, and adores you.

Unknown (via thelovejournals)

[she-who-loves]

new years eve, new years kiss and new years resolutions

dear world wide web,

happy new year. in about 7hours, at least for me, you will be able to start with a clean slate. completely change your life. its a new years resolution after all. but if you think of tomorrow as just another day, wouldnt you believe it being slightly weird changing your way of life from one day to another? isnt it important to slowly but surly change your personality or character over time, through life lessons? isnt it kinda weird to decide ok from tomorrow on i am only going to eat salad and go to the gym every day? this results in going back to your old ways in what, a month maybe more or less. would it make more sense to at least decide to idk, become more salad eating then last month and go from then on? to say, im going to spend 2 days every week in the gym rather than going from 0 to 100 in a span of two days? then there is this whole 'new years kiss'. i recently read this article from cosmopolitan that they posted on their snapchat story. in this post they wrote, that the new years kiss is a ancient roman superstition, that would guarantee not being lonely for the up comming year. we still follow this as if, like cosmo put it "locking lips with a stranger would somehow bind us to this person and the universe would feel obligated to spark a relationship between us". of course this isnt exactly what the article said, but from the contents its the same thing. not the point. basically what im trying to say is dont set unrealistic expectations and then blame it on the new year.

new years parties. another thing i have an opinion about. honestly, its all fine an dandy hanging out with your family(in my case my mom and grandmother, who are the definition of pain-in-my-ass), until you want to get drunk. this new years all of my friends are either gone or otherwise accompanied so no party for me. no getting drunk. no making out with a hot stranger. no dancing and making shitty decisions. no seeing people make bad decisions either. basically no fun. fan-fucking-tastic. dont be worried, im in peak mental health and hope so are you. happy fucking new year.

-jane doe

[quotewithasource]

Courage isn’t absenct of fear, it is the awareness that something else is important

Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (via quotewithasource)

[wordsnquotes]

My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy. That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors.

Maya Angelou (via wordsnquotes)