The last time I sketched was back in September. This is the longest i have gone without drawing since i was a kid.
By the time I was ready for my whipple surgery and removal of my pancreas, the chemotherapy induced neuropathy had reached the point where my fingers and my feet were constantly fizzing with pins and needles. Just holding a pencil steady became a challenge.
Now I find myself in a place that far too few pancreatic patients get to be.
Post whipple, post radiation and post 12 rounds of chemo, I am officially in remission.
Unfortunately, reoccourance for pancreatic cancer is extrodinarially high. Upwards of 70% of patients will come out of remission at some point in the first few years, with the average time with no detectable disease being around 18 months.
This may sound like I am being overly negative, but it's actually quite the opposite. The time I have been afforded is precious, which while true for everyone, feels especially poignant after what I have endured to hopefully have a year or two of good health.
I wish to use that time well.
I had one major regret when looking back at my life during this fight. I gave up on my own art years ago. I stopped painting for myself. I let myself believe my work had little value, and instead focused entirely on making other people's ideas a reality.
My career in animation has been wonderful and I am deeply greatful for every show I have had the opportunity to work on, but i should have still found the time to create for myself.
The idea of having missed the chance to do that has haunted me through these last 10 months.I still can't feel my fingers well, but the pins and needles has improved.
I may not be able to feel exactly where my pencil is on the page, but I will re-learn how to make the marks i want to make, I will re-learn how to paint, to illustrate, to tell stories.
I wish to leave something of value behind for my family, for my friends, for my loved ones.
And perhaps most of all
For myself.
-Alex
