Beep

A very nice little post of nice little things.

[dankmemeuniversity]

[masterlukeskywalker]

someone: what are you planning to do after college?

me:

[mbrainspaz]

talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”

[mbrainspaz]

he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.” 

wtf dad

[mbrainspaz]

latest edition:  me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine. 

my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while. 

[heywriters]

is your dad an ex-assassin

[chaarmandeeer-deactivated201904]

[shehatesyou]

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WATCHED SEX EDUCATION IN ONE GODDAMN SITTING.

[mytearsonice]

When the tags on a fic say slow burn

[shehatesyou]

Larries with the Ibiza stunt/ all other times Larries have figured things out

[peggyolsongf]

This is Us is back which means I’m officially back into white suburban mom mode…..catch me playing candy crush and posting about my workout schedule on Facebook

[closet-keys]

If the creators of those “Am I Gay?” Quizzes were being honest it’d just say “yes” no matter what answers you gave cause any kid taking those quizzes is definitely gay

Source: every person who ever took those quizzes

[tricksythieves]

Dunno if bobbing the teabag actually helps the tea steep faster but it sure is fun to feel a part of something

[catscenter]

[tenmillionpoundsofsludge-deacti]

me,at a clothes store: excuse me, how much are these pants?

employee: oh theyre 19.99 :)

me: dam…..didnt realize I was at the Gucci store…..

[urleftnostril-deactivated201901]

I love this woman

[ruffboi-mags]

[memescomedy]

[bpd-entity]

it’s not a real party until you sneak away to the bathroom to question your existence as you stare at yourself in the mirror haha

[danielkanhai]

i like when you’re in the grocery store and you see people buying eggs because they always pick up the carton and then open it like it’s a metal briefcase full of cash involved in a drug deal and they’re confirming it’s money. “don’t bother counting it, it’s all there. 12.” then they always pick one up and inspect it like, “yeah, it’s grade A alright…the real deal.” 

[sheriffsunshine]

People are checking to see if any of the eggs are cracked you walnut

[inwincible-mutton-chops]

Tbh, I always saw my mom check the eggs in the carton and for the longest time I didn’t know why and everytime I went out and bought eggs I’d copy her because that’s what everyone does, open the carton. So I’d always just end up staring at an open carton of eggs in the grocery store thinking “Yes. These are eggs”. And I’d buy them.