to feel

Hi Nick. I made this blog just to that I could pour all my emotions and thoughts that I can’t say to you straight to the face or so that I could remember how things were between the two of us. You may or may not have the chance to read this. I am hoping you will never have the chance though.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Hi Nick

Messaged you yesterday if youbhave anything planned on the weekend, and if I can come over and spend my weekend there. It is because, I’ve grown to love the peace and quiet of your place. It has been my escape for the past 6 months. You have been my escape for the past 6 months.

You agreed and said I am always welcome to stay and hangout at your place. But today, you messaged me saying that my cousin invited you to come visit their place and have a drink with them. I told you to just go and spend time with them because you have always been putting down their offer cause everytime they invite you we are together. You even jokingly said that we should come together to my cousin’s place andnI responded with yeah? And give them a heart attack? And then it sinked in.

That we could never be, maybe because we’d never try.  Maybe because deep inside, we both know this is a mistake. Maybe because we are both afraid to take risk.

I actually felt bed that we might not be able to hang out Friday night. But then, who am I diba? I am just a girl you’re fucking. I am just the girl who you enjoy spending time because I do not ask for more because I know where I stand.

Sana no, one day when you’re invted, I can be your plus one but I can imagine the future, I’m sitting in the corner, and you entered the room full of people with a girl, her arms wrapped around yours.

hayyyyyyyyyy

ang sakit.

[mearcatsreturns]

friends who are thinking about grad school:

be sure you’re passionate about what you want to study, because you’ll need a deep love to carry you through an intense program (that can range from 1 year to 7+, depending on what you’re studying) where you will sometimes have some bitter lows

related, don’t go to grad school just because the job market blows and you’re not sure what to do. you’re better off taking a couple years to gain experience and skills at a job that you can then transfer to postgrad academic work later

talk to a lot of people before you decide to go somewhere. talk to professors and potential advisors, talk to administrative staff, and try to talk to current or recent students. you’ll have a better idea of what it’s like, professional connections for when you start, and possibly new friends

continuing from the above point, don’t go to or apply to somewhere where it’s hard to get information about the program or that people aren’t responsive. if they’re not trying to reach out when you’re a potential student, they’re unlikely to support you once you’re there

be willing to communicate! talk to your advisor and professors if you’re having a hard time or are finding things challenging. if they’re worth their salt, they’ll help you out and provide solid suggestions. 

communication is key in classes as well. far more than in undergrad, participation counts. you have to speak up. a large part of grad school is to prepare you for your profession, so you need to be able to contribute to discussions. 

[sheisgheeeyah]

Hi Nick!

Last night before going to bed, I was browsing photos of my cousins and found a video from her birthday this year. You were wearing all black clothes from cap to shoes. You were leaning in the corner and your hands on your pocket. And then I have to stop the video cause you looked so hot. My heart cannot contain it anymore! hahahahaha Ang easy mo lang tignan dun sa video with your can’t be bothered look hahaha natatawa ako cause ikaw na ikaw yun even if tayo yung magkasama.

And then, hahahahaha I found photos again with you and your wife, I mean ex wife hahahahahahaha so na down na naman ako. Parang baliw lang. Hahahaha ang swerte niya no? Minahal mo siya and probably a part of you still loved her kasi she’s the mom of your 2 beautiful kids and you committed your life to her, to them, into giving a good future for them.

Naiingit ako hehehehe sana all.

Sana all mahal. Sana all kinommit. 

[sheisgheeeyah]

Hi Nick!

For the past 6 months, you somehow always make sure I feel heard, seen and valued. That whatever I feel and whatever opinions I have, they are valid. Thank you for being my escape for the past 6 months.

I don’t know how much time I have with you. I don’t even know what the future holds for me, for us, but I’m really thankful for the now.

I honestly look forward t the days I get to spend with you, and although I enjoy my time alone, and also can’t wait to be at my own space, I tend to miss you as well the moment I step out of your car.

Thank you for allowing me to hug you as much as I can. I miss you and I hope you’ll have a great week with your kids.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Hi Nick! This picture was taken last night. Right now, we are in the kitchen, waiting for the chicken to be cooked. I am doing my assignment while listening to music and you’re playing some games in your phone.

I just want you to know how this moment is just peaceful for me. How I liked the silence between us, how were doing different stuff but were just seated next to each other. 

Thank you for always being my escape. A breath of fresh air. Thank you for always asking me what I want to eat, drink and other stuff. Thank you for the way you talk to me. Thank you for being you.

i do not know how many things burdens you, but I hope by having me around sometimes makes you forget about all your worries. I hope you’re happy when you’re spending time with me as well.

Thank you, Nick!

[sheisgheeeyah]

Nick: What do you want to eat for dinner besides me?

Me: Lol. I don't know. I'm not really thinking anything.

Nick: Mom got tinuto and rice. KFC 10 wicked wings for $10

Me: Let's get 20 pieces.

Nick: Greedy

----

Me: Let's just get 10 pieces. I'm not really hungry

Nick: Are you sure?

---

Nick: I shouldn't have listened to you and just got the 20 pieces instead.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Indie Movie

I have always wanted to live my life as if I were in an Indie movie. Being with you feels like I’m living that dream. I like how chill things are whenever I am with you. I like how we’d drink in your kitchen and just talk about life. I like how we’d stay in your lounge, away from each other, drinking, you doing your own thing and I’m doing my own thing as well. I also like it when I’m cuddled next to you while we watch different movies. I like how we laugh and have fun when we make out.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Friends

Remember when I started to develop feelings for you and I asked you where I stand in your life? After that conversation, it felt like we were already calculating each word and move we make, so that a. I wouldn’t fall any deeper and b, so that you won’t lead me on. 

Honestly, I miss how we talk back then. I think we got over the chase as well. But I miss how you were my friend as well. There are days where in you’d plainly be just a person I fuck and it makes me sad because, we started this as friends, and I miss the friend figure I had in you. I miss us being just care free and just laugh and have some good time. 

I miss us being friends.

[sheisgheeeyah]

When we first started hanging out, You’d always do the cooking and cleaning and I just sat there and watch you do everything. Then I started washing the dishes. Then we started to split tasks. I find it cute. You cook, I clean. Or I cook and you clean. I like how you also prepare our breakfast and then I’d make coffee for us. It feels just like I was hanging out with my best friend but there are other benefits.

[sheisgheeeyah]

I like how we always say “Next time.’ because it feels like we are actually looking forward to the next time we could spend time together.

[sheisgheeeyah]

I was eating the peanut with garlic my mom made and when I almost finish it, I thought that you might have liked it as well but no use leaving some for you because konti nalang talaga natire.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Me: *took pods out from the shopping bag* dami mo binili ah

You: oh I bought that as well cause I thought you might like it as well

[sheisgheeeyah]

Feelings

I started to feel things. I started to question. I started to get confused.

I want to be in a committed and serious relationship but I know for a fact that I am way too messed up right now that I cannot allow someone to be in this journey with me and it would end up destroying us both. Plus, there are a lot of things I would want to do and experience alone. So when we started to see each other more often and talk more often, I was afraid that things were getting serious between us.

I did not know how I thought you were getting serious, but I was honestly afraid that you’re getting serious because I can’t do that at the moment. I was afraid you’d ask me what we are and what I want because, I do not know what I want. I just know back then I enjoyed spending time with you and have you asked me to go a bit serious, I would honestly step back and say I am not ready for it and get away from you.

I was also fighting my battle of stopping myself from liking you in which I realised, was already too late. I had a hard time accepting that I like you. I wanted my feelings to be just feelings. I do not want to act on them. So I acknowledged my feelings but never really act them out.

There are times, I would allow myself to act on my feelings and after that, I needed time to compose myself again. I am afraid of being vulnerable and showing you this side of me. It’s hard to play a cold, uninterested bitch when I am really a caring and soft person.

And that is why this blog is here. I’m acting out on my feelings again. I am writing them and allowing them to flow through my finger tips. I’m hoping you won’t get a chance to read this. I hope this gets forgotten as well. 

[sheisgheeeyah]

Illicit affair

We continuously met from time to time. It is me staying over at your place on a weekend or sometimes even on a weekday. We bonded a lot over my food cravings, over alcohol, over sex and of talking about life.

I honestly look forward to spending time with you because you feel like an escape. You always feel like a breath of fresh air. But sometimes you feel like a secret as well that no one should know. It felt like we were in an Illicit affair when we take a look, nothing is really wrong with what we were doing.

You are single. I am single. But no one must know about us. After spending my time with you, we should destroy all evidence of the night happening. We were not doing anything wrong but why does it still feel like it is wrong? Why are we so afraid if my cousin finds out?

You did not coerce me in doing this. I am an adult and I exactly know what I am doing but why does it feel like we were both each other’s dirty little secret. A time bomb that’s ticking and one day the world would know about us.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Mama Lors

I then considered you as a friend after that night but I also liked the attention you’re giving me and all the subtle flirting you always do. I honestly haven’t met someone who does it as smooth as you. 

One night, I was feeling chatty and in control and I asked if we could order some food from Mama Lors. I was also thinking of hanging out at your place and spend some time. I may have also brought the idea of staying at your place. I’m old enough and I know you know that, maybe something else might happen that night. 

You drove to my place and we ate dinner and then drove back to your place where we talked more over alcohol. Looking back, I know I wasn’t only meeting you because of the food. Now I know there are other things I did want to do with you. I stayed at your place for two nights and then I can’t count how many nights I’ve been staying there.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Pandemic

The world then went overboard with crazy. Just when I decided to move out, live on my own and do things properly, Corona virus snatched the spotlight. One fine day, out of no where, you messaged me, as you always do. You asked me if I was doing fine and when would I move to Geelong. I then answered you that I was already in Geelong, for about 4 weeks and you even said, “How am I supposed to know when someone don’t bother to chat.” I was really laughing because I really didn’t see the need to update you or keep in touch with you. 

You offered to meet me up that night, you drove 45 minutes to meet me. I agreed because I wasn’t really doing anything and maybe i felt a little bit flirty that night as well. We had dinner, walked at the waterfront beach and talked more over coffee.

You’d put your arm around me from time to time and I know I should have said something but I honestly liked how that felt as well. You did most of the talking, which I liked because I’m not really much of a talker, I enjoy listening. You were talking about your younger years, how you moved to UK, more this and that, and you showed a different side of you. The side that isn’t just all fun and games. I was afraid because I kinda liked that side of you and I don’t know if I can resist myself of wanting to know more about you.

[sheisgheeeyah]

Life

Life happened and I never really got to hear anything from you. One reason is because I really never reach out to you, thinking I’m really just someone you fucked and that you were my cousin’s friend. Life was not the easiest for me back then, so I was focused on something else, to survive, to live.

But one day, you messaged me, asking me what the hell happened and why I decided to go back in the Phils when you thought, I wanted so stay here for real. I thought you were just fishing for information and I was honestly too tired with repeating myself over and over again to people but I noticed that you were real and genuine. That you really showed concern. So I opened up a bit and I can remember you saying “Wow I think that’s the longest one you’ve ever spoken to me.” which honestly made me chuckle. It was so heavy but you made me laugh. 

You supported my decision and thought I was doing a good job. You said you were happy that I decided to gave it a go properly. I told you I am afraid and that I am hoping I am doing the right thing, to come back here in Aus and you said  of course dumbass, cause at least if it doesn’t go your way, you won’t ask the what ifs”

And then I remember, I don’t like what ifs. I’d just face it head front, rather than asking myself over and over again, what if, knowing I will never have the answer.

I may have flirted back a little to you on that day as well. I really don’t know what you feel for me, if you’re just plain flirting or you’re really fishing for more. You’d tell me you’re serious and that you’re interested but I know you’re not the relationship, label and commitment type that is why you’re confusing me but a little game of flirting won’t hurt bad naman so I played a little.