recovery blog

emma | she/her

[shesadermatillomaniac]

my therapist referred me to a nutritionist today — apparently chronic fatigue is, in fact, a sign of vitamin deficiency

my scabs are going down!! my shoulders are still bad, but one thing at a time :)

all in all, so far it’s been a good day

[shesadermatillomaniac]

i hate my hands. especially my nail beds.

i tug and pull and make them look disgusting. there are scabs and broken skin where it should be smooth.

but i’m trying to love my hands. or, at least, love having them. i don’t have to love myself, just love being myself.

p.s. i recently cut my nails to try and slow down my picking! i’ll let you guys know how it goes :)

[shesadermatillomaniac]

face progresss 9/4/2019

now if only i could leave my scabs alone sfsfjdkfjfk

[shesadermatillomaniac]

9/3/2019

today was not a great day, but good things did happen, and do continue to happen nonetheless.

the scars on my arms are going down. you almost can’t see them if you’re not looking!

i found a tattoo parlor i love; i think i’m going to get one at the end of the month. i’ll keep you posted!

thank you for your kind words! you brighten my sad days :)

[shesadermatillomaniac]

the social internet

i’ve been having some weird feelings about the social internet lately. more specifically, feelings about my relationship to it and how it effects my mental health.

on the one hand, and a lot of people have talked about this eloquently and at length, so i won’t waste too much of your time here, social media lends itself to comparison. comparison of body, of life, of friends, of money... when people present a polished image of themselves, they present an easy-to-love 2D image of themselves that i compare to my rough, damaged 3D self. and though i know that the smiling instagram models have dents and bruises, i can’t see them. and i compare.

but, more pressingly, i’ve been thinking about how social media is basically a dopamine machine. i mean, all social media is designed to get your brain hooked on refreshing-refreshing-refreshing the site in order to see ads and become profitable. in order to do that, these sites hack your brain into releasing dopamine through intsant gratification and notifications and even the fucking color composition of the apps. it’s free, horribly twisted ssris.

and i’m hooked. completely.

yes, i’m aware of the irony of bemoaning the horribleness of social media on tumblr, but, like i said, i’m hooked.

[shesadermatillomaniac]

diary 9/2/2019

it’s labor day! which means no classes which means i had to find something to fill the day.

since my roommate was out all day, i got to blast TAZ and mess around with the song i’m working on (the two m’s of therapy — music and mcelroys). picking was actually pretty okay today; i think this kind of low-stress, low-trigger day was a much-needed break.

honestly? i’m feeling okay about myself right now. i’m eating with minimal guilt, too, which is exciting! today was a good day :)

self-care things i did for myself today:

- laundry!

- got dressed in presentable clothes

- went to the dining hall (by myself!) twice

today was good! and full of much needed r&r

[shesadermatillomaniac]

i feel like a no-makeup selfie in this shitty dorm lighting is maybe the best way to start off this recovery blog.

hey :) my name is emma! i’m 18, and i’m a recovering (well, actually, right now, relapsing) dermatillomaniac. i decided to make this blog as a way to document my process of steps-forward and steps-back, as well as try to find a community of people-in-recovery, that way we can lift each other up and (hopefully) cultivate friendships based on love.

my messages are always open, and so are my asks! go to shesadermatillomaniac.tumblr.com/about for my faq!