The Mind Makes the Girl

what she cannot say she thinks, and that's more than you can even begin to understand. Female, INTP, mental health advocate... let's face it, I'm a living fortune cookie -Mely

[shethinksmore]

I've never said it out loud, nor do I feel it would make a difference... But I miss him.

I will always blame myself not because I wasn't there, nor because I didn't pick up the phone. But because of what could have been if not for my insecurities. My excuses, and taking you for granted. I honestly think I loved you, even if it took me losing you to realize it.

To this day, and possibly for the rest of my life I will live in regret of what could have been.

This is why I refuse to look back, why I hate the memories, and why I will continue moving forward. I know I can't go back, and it hurts. I'm sorry. 💔

[shethinksmore]

Love for me is...

Knowing I'm wasting my time, but not minding it so much if it's with you.

Knowing I may end up alone again, but enjoying the good company until then.

No I don't have hope for us, nor do I think we'll make it, but let's just enjoy it until then

[shethinksmore]

Disclaimer...

I am a person

Living with chronic pain

Living with a messed up brain

Living for logistics but no memories

Knowing I'll soon be trapped in my own mind

[shethinksmore]

Reminder...

Happiness is an emotion,

And a temporary one at best.

Remember to keep living for those moments and making them worth feeling again

[shethinksmore]

And some how the World Keeps Moving forward...

Moving in a direction you once felt as salvation,

Moving at a pace that made sense for a while,

Memories left in song and objects that have no meaning and yet hold an emotion.

Emotions that you can't remember but can't help but feel.

You are here and yet so is the rest of the world,

What is the point of forward when we keep somehow moving back

[shethinksmore]

Tired of hearing...

"Have faith", "it will get better", "at least you're still alive and well... It could be worse"

I had faith... Better yet I have faith, but it has and will continue to fill me will false hope. A part of me is expecting a miracle that may very well never come. And it seems easier to just lose faith... But it's too damn impossible, because that tiny bit of hope is still fighting :(

It can't get better... I've been better, but that doesn't matter when it's impossible to recall those moments when things go bad. Yeah sure, they may get better, but they also get worse.

I'm may be alive but not living. The whole damn issue is that I'M NOT WELL. I'm well aware things could be worse, but that never makes this better. I can't compare myself to worse, it's not fair to that who you're comparing, and it's not fair to demean my pain, loss, issues.

[shethinksmore]

I'm 25 years old and I still believe that one day the curse will be broken

Shethinksmore

[shethinksmore]

FINE

Yeah I'm...

FRUSTRATED and full of FEAR,

I'm INSECURE,

NOT okay,

And EXHAUSTED

I'm "F.I.N.E"

[shethinksmore]

It's starts up, and I'm putting up a fight, but it's hard to do that when you don't exactly know what you're fighting for

Shethinksmore

[introvertdear]

Confession: I'm an Introvert, and Sometimes I Lie to Avoid Socializing

Can I be completely honest? I’m an introvert, and sometimes I lie to avoid socializing.

“I don’t like doing it, but I often feel I have no other choice.”

[shethinksmore]

I cry...

Not because I'm sad,

Not because I'm tired,

Not because I'm alone

I cry because I'm desperately attempting to feel something and yet find myself feeling everything

I'm hopeless, sinking, and angry

Hopeless because there's nothing I can do

Sinking deeper into the pit of self loathing

Angry because it's happening

[shethinksmore]

Indirect

I often find the hardest part of it all is that a real part of me does so much to drop hints as to what I am feeling.

So much I may as well be holding a sign that reads "ask me how I'm doing" or "listen to me, in depressed"

I can't expect them to pick up on it, and I most definitely should not be upset when they don't

But there is that part of me that wonders if they know and just refuse to be there

I can't keep expecting anything, and at the same time why shouldn't I expect it right?

[shethinksmore]

Your interesting, deeply spoken, well thought out. Is that be design or by simply being. Are you alive or just living?

I guess to answer your question. I'm just living, for now. I hope to one day be alive, and at times maybe I am, but my words are what they are because they are written from a part of me that I don't completely control. It's like once I put words to paper or text, a deeper part of me takes over. I definitely think more than I share (:(Also not sure when this was sent, I just saw it)

[shethinksmore]

Warning from past self...

A while back when cleaning out a few things I came across and old journal. A journal I didn't know I had anymore. In it I found a series of letters, notes, and even drawings from a past me.

I don't exactly remember anything before 2 years ago, when it appears I wrote this. All o remember from that time was I was on a dark place, very depressed, basically a zombie.

I can't forget the words I read though when she talks about "her" dying. And by her she means me, or like a me she was forgetting to be.

She warned she was losing her and that soon she would be dead. She warned that everyone around her loved and missed her and that she could never replace or be that person.

But the way she or I guess "I" phrased everything, it seemed she was genuinely losing someone. Like someone was really dying.

Now keep in mind I remember being in a dark place and but I don't remember ever having written it.

But today her words haunted me, and honestly scared me.

How could I not remember any of it.

Worst of it is, I'm pretty sure it's not the first time this happens.

I live my life as if I'm living multiple lives. But I've never looked back.

Maybe that's my mistake.

If I never look back, and erase it all together. How am I ever going to grow.

How am I ever going to hold any real memories of my mind will always see them as a nuisance.

I'm sharing this maybe even as a warning or look out for another me later on to look back on and remind her to look back and maybe remember.

We'll see.

And to whoever I was before, I really hope I'm living a better life than before (:

[shethinksmore]

Hate when people treat me as if I was jumping off a bridge... I wish they could understand I simply jumped and went for a swim... Sure I can't swim, but I'm not jumping anytime soon... So let me learn to swim.

Shethinksmore

[shethinksmore]

Friend: stop acting like you're 50... YOU'RE 25!!!

Me: sigh...you wouldn't understand, you youngins never do

Friend: I'M OLDER THAN YOU

Me: and yet you act like you're 21

Friend: you're an ass

Me: And you still take things up yours

Friend: ...

[shethinksmore]

Nothing worse than attempting to wake a monster that should stay dormant, to destroy the rest of the city it has already torn apart. A monster that has left you with so little, and yet one you need in order to make sense of the wreckage.

Shethinksmore