“How Am I Meant to Be?”: A Question from My Inner Child
Growing up, I heard many times that I “couldn’t be like other kids,” or that I “couldn’t do the things other kids did.” These words came from my close family after I did something that they most likely didn’t agree with, or acted in a way that likely would have made it appear as if I had poor home training, thus meaning they weren’t good people. In a sense, from an early age, my freedom just “To Be” as I was, was stripped away.
Because of this, I really lost my ability to have fun or enjoy my life without the fear of being judged or criticized harshly if I did something - anything - outside of what may have been socially acceptable. I can remember looking to other kids with envy, admiring their freedom as they excitedly ran around, played, and formed friend groups. I felt excluded. I kept myself in a mental prison. As the years went on, I continued to develop this extremely strong self-awareness through a harshly critical voice in my head. “How do I fit in here?” “What will happen if I become too much like the others?” “Can I ‘like’ myself if I am as they are?” “Will my family still accept me?” Deeply existential questions that eventually turned to self-loathing. “I can’t do any of this.” “I won’t be able to keep up with them.” “Someone will find out that I’m trying to fit in.” Pure fear of just Being as I was in the world. My opportunity early on to discover myself was gone.
Without me knowing it, I began denying myself even the most basic connections. When someone tried to communicate and connect with me, I distanced myself. I became so strongly identified in my own interests to the point that if I couldn’t find anyone who was willing to be interested in what I was interested in, I stayed alone. I intentionally isolated myself from others my age, only staying close to and following the occasional adult who would allow me to stick around. I was in search of something. But what? More often than not, they would say “Go play with the others!” “Have a good time!” But then dread set in. I didn’t know how to have a good time with anybody else. So, I went off alone, often sad until it was time to do something else. By the time I came around to getting over the dread and wanting to connect, there was no chance.
Perhaps what I was looking for in those moments sticking by those adults was a sense of direction. A sense of stability in my Being through the Being of another person. Subconsciously, I must have been telling myself, “This person seems to have it all figured out.” “No one ever criticizes them and they don’t seem to be afraid of the way that they show up in the world.” But none of this could work, right? Things were just too different. At my age, I really wasn’t supposed to worry about those things. To escape from all of this, I found myself playing various roles to fill the internal void of not being able to be free as I was. I learned new skills. I studied all the time. I picked up numerous interests to talk about when asked. All of it to appear interesting in the eyes of others so that I could be accepted and thus accept myself. For a while, it all worked as an amazing front. I had it all figured out. So I thought.
Fast-forward fifteen years or so, it’s all falling apart. As a young adult, the self-awareness has turned to pure anxiety. I really do want to have at least a few close friends, but at the same time, I don’t ever feel close to anyone. I try to connect, then I get clingy, causing me to fall back into my pattern of withdrawing and isolating. Then, I overcompensate, inappropriately pouring my heart out the second I sense interest because I am torn between being lonely and wanting to connect, but also wanting to remain alone because I don’t feel as if I can hold up. For the longest time, I played the role of the “quiet smart person.” I hid behind this label. Showing all that I knew from time to time, but not reaching out to people when I really wanted to. Not building friendships, thus remaining excluded by my peers, but oddly, building numerous business connections here and there. That was easy because in the business realm, connection is shallow. The same basic formula applies all the time. Everything is based on what you have achieved. And there is really no obligation. I find myself with good career prospects, but very shaky relationship prospects.
But in friendship, it isn’t the same. It’s about shared experiences. It’s about being open. Having fun. Actual connection. Something I always preclude myself from doing because I “can’t be like everyone else,” even though I really do want to have those experiences, my subconscious thoughts sabotage me every time. Though I realize that my family was well-intentioned in trying to get me to behave as a child, this has all taken an unexpected path. Continuously, my inner child seeks. “Who can I be like?” “Am I okay by doing this?” “What am I really supposed to do?” The entire time, I’m consciously attempting to figure out why I just can’t be normal when connecting with people. Why do I have to be so clingy but also detached? Why do I always mess up and say too much? Why am I fighting with myself? By the time it’s all over, I am so socially anxious that I just withdraw. A connection missed. Then, I hate myself.
But there is hope. Having this new awareness is allowing me to break out of the cycle. Beforehand, I was not aware that this was a particular part of my childhood trauma that was affecting me. I did not know that these words were ringing in my head each and every time I set out to do something new. Having this awareness will assist me in undoing my social anxiety. Though there are friendships that I wanted that I may never get to have, there are always new opportunities. “Find your people” I always hear. I hope to do so. And by that time, I hope that my inner child will say, “How I am is just fine,” and that I will be fine both alone and connected, not longing for any particular condition or playing any particular role for acceptance. Just Being.
For anyone out there who feels lonely or like you can’t connect with anyone else. You’re not alone. Reach out. Find a support group. The world can be a harsh place, but there are plenty out there who understand. We won’t judge you. Be well.
baratheonpilled
titsay
