Shifting Down & Letting Go

Musings from a cyclist, adventurer, homebrewer, and data geek on the road.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

New York!

After blogging my way through some crazy travels on a much more public blog, I'm back. Part of me misses the more public exposure there. But then again, it's nice to be Anonymous.

I just got back from a second whirlwind trip. After my European/African tour with a brief stop at home, I was back on the road and headed to New York. This was the nicest sort of work trip. I'm going somewhere fun and work involves talking to a group of folks about data and pretty charts and graphs.

The conference was fine - my talk went really well and I felt like a total badass. The city, though, was amazing. My first night there, I went out for sushi where I met/was hit on(?) by a guy who works for the Gates Foundation. After I left the restaurant, he literally ran after me calling my name through the streets of New York. It felt like a movie moment - and it’s times like this I most wish I was straight.

The next day I decided to pretend dinner made of wine and pate is totally acceptable. On my way to the restaurant, a crowd was blocking the street. “Tourists” I mumbled under my breath. Yes, I see the irony there. I shoved my way through th crowd past the barrier and continued on my merry way until I realized why there was a crowd. Seriously - I don't understand how this keeps happening. 

Dinner was amazing, and the best part was how the waiter and I got to be friends. He talked as though I were a local, and he gave me some restaurant recommendations while making fun of the “real” tourists at the restaurant.

Then I saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Darren Criss (my see Glee cast members on Boradway bingo sheet is nearly complete). His thighs were so toned it was distracting. The show was amazing. The stage apparently tasted like John Cameron Mitchell. And old.

My last day in New York was spent at MOMA. It was my first visit and it blew me away. They were featuring an exhibit by Bjork and my jaw was on the floor the entire time. Just wow.

Next stop - Minneapolis for a hackathon. That just didn't happen because the cool lesbians wouldn't let us join their group. I felt very rejected. But delicious brunch and a weekend with one of my best friends made it all okay. 

Now I'm back in Denver and back to solving my personal life issues. Here we go - single again.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

Speed bumps

Flawlessness. It never lasts forever.

The last few days have felt like a walk through my own personal emotional mine field. Meeting friends. Holidays. Double booking. Some of the things that trigger the most shame and cut to the core of my insecurities. I struggle to keep a level head and think of each of these in context, but I just want to run and hide.

For the first time since we met, I feel unhappy. The deep sort of unhappiness that sprouts from feelings of inadequacy and unimportance. Rationally, I understand why these things happened, but that does not change the way they make me feel. The knot of anxiety in my upper chest I’ve fought so hard to release has made its way back to that comfortable home.

I know I need to set and enforce my own boundaries, but I just don’t know how to do that here. I feel helpless. I find myself hoping she will magically know how I feel and make it better, but that is entirely unfair of me. I know I need to fix this myself.

Today I choose to make a commitment to myself. To pick myself up and to move forward. As I have many times before, so I know I can. To try my best to hear my needs and set the boundaries to meet those needs. To take responsibility for my own happiness. 

To not force myself to act as though everything is okay when it’s not.

Because sometimes I’m just not okay. And I hurt. And I need to heal.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

Taking Chances

So I mentioned before that I signed up for online dating. I think I’ve been avoiding this blog since then...

Because I met someone amazing.

It feels like the universe is quietly whispering to me to let go and trust. She was the first person I contacted after signing up for online dating, so I was still recovering a bit from the mistake of getting back together with my ex. As though the universe knew, it took three weeks for our travel schedules to align so we could meet. During those weeks, we got to know each other slowly through long letters. 

Again, as though the universe knew, the only date we could meet was St. Patrick’s Day. I have a history with anniversaries on holidays... and with St. Patrick’s Day in particular. I told my friends I already knew she was someone particularly special.

It was no surprise that I liked her immediately. She sat down next to me at my favorite pub, smiled, and said “hi”. No awkwardness. No anxiety. Just warmth. It was as though I had known her forever and we were merely catching up. We kissed on our first date, and by the end of the second date I had shared secrets I rarely tell even close friends. By the third date I lost interest in dating anyone else.

When I’m with her it feels like home. I feel like I can tell her exactly how I’m feeling, and often she already knows. She has a way of making my runaway thoughts stop. She accepts me and all of my weirdness. I have never been this happy with anyone - only on my own.

It’s been less than two weeks, but I can’t shake the feeling that the universe is pulling us together. She might be the one.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

Setting priorities

When I first started reading Brené Brown’s book, I felt pretty silly. I mean really - it’s a self help book. But, the more I read, the more it resonated, and the more I found myself returning to chapters and rereading sections and highlighting passages.

Well, it’s only gotten worse. I started journaling as I read. Then I leave that silly journal out on my dining table and glance at the pages as I walk by. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s having a profound impact on my life. 

Last year I stopped dating, hit pause on a lot of my work, and focused entirely on myself for six months over the summer and fall. I had never really been camping before, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. I went to REI and bought everything I needed. The next day I packed up my car and left.

Those six months were some of the happiest of my life. I climbed fourteeners, biked over mountain passes, got lost, fell down a mountain, and reconnected to what I liked about myself and what was important to me.

And... then things changed. My ex made her way back into my life with promises that she had changed and promises that things would be different.

We had met a couple years prior when I was in the midst of a trial for a crime I did not commit (that’s another story entirely). Her choice to date me in spite of all that craziness convinced me of her kindness and empathy. I didn’t even consider she may have stuck around because of the kindness and empathy I was showing her.

The life that she led was exciting and filled with interesting people and parties. I wanted to be a part of that life. So, I tried to understand why she didn’t show up to my birthday after saying she would. I was surprised when she promised to take me on a trip and then took that trip without me. I was sad when the ball dropped on New Years Eve and she kissed her friends instead of kissing me. And there were more lies than I can count.

Despite this history, and despite the six months I spent reconnecting with myself, I believed she had changed so we got back together.

It’s probably no surprise that our relationship didn’t work out. I went into that relationship rebound knowing exactly what I wanted, and I was astounded by what I saw. She wasn’t very kind, she acted like she didn’t care, and I saw how scared she was to just be herself.

Breaking up with her was difficult. It meant giving up being a part of her exciting world. But, getting over that relationship took so little time it shocked me. I can only reason that I had done most of the work over those magical six months. Almost immediately I felt happy again.

This brings me back to my silly journal. It’s a tangible collection of who I am and what I want. It forces me to evaluate whether my choices align with my priorities. And... it’s still too early to tell... but I think it may have led me to someone I’ve been looking for.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

In it to win it

I bit the bullet and signed up for online dating. And this time around, I have an attitude. A determined, fantastic attitude! Articles and blogs I used to avoid like this post from Penelope Trunk and this TED talk from Amy Webb have new meaning. I'm good at setting goals and achieving them. Very, very good at that in fact. I thrive in the build an approach, design a framework, and execute world. A consultant through and through.

My profile is built, pictures chosen, and I seem to be getting some attention. Now I just need to stick to my framework (oh yes - there's a framework) and see what happens. If stories fail to emerge from dating, I'm headed to Europe and Africa in a few short weeks. Guaranteed I'll do something ridiculous on that trip, so at least there will be plenty of stories from that!

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

Vulnerability. Yeah, that.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend. After devouring a much-needed plate of delicious hot wings and a few pints of stout, our discussion meandered around boyfriends and family and working through the things life throws at you. Which brought us to the topic of self help books. And Oprah. Now, I'm not a self help book lover. Or an Oprah lover. In fact, I tend to sneer at leadership books that offer to help you get ahead and books designed to help you get in touch with your innermost feelings. But for whatever reason, I was receptive to a recommendation my friend made and started to do some research. As I do.

When my friend mentioned Brené Brown, I thought I recognized the name but couldn't place it. A quick Google led me to her TED talks (which are amazing) and to her library of books. I started reading "Daring Greatly" tonight, and my first impression was shock, which was only further shocking. I tend to consider myself pretty darn introspective and reasonably in touch with who I am, but it only took about 10 pages before it became clear there is A LOT I don't know. And should probably try to understand. About myself. In a good way... I think.

The book starts by laying out what Brené Brown defines as the ten "guideposts":

Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "Always in Control"

Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty

Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison

Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth

Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and "Supposed To"

Holy shit. That's a lot. On so many levels. Whether it was the "Letting Go" theme I was drawn to or the feeling that I'm a total failure in some of these areas, Which is something I should probably work on after re-reading a few of these "guideposts". Regardless, I think this lady is on to something. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I'm interested to see where this goes.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

3 mountain passes, 10,000 feet of elevation, and 120 miles on a bike

Last year I made the (at the time) crazy decision to ride Pedal the Plains, a 175 mile over 3 days cycling event through the eastern plains of Colorado. The scenery was beautiful, I made some new friends, and the series of events that brought my ex and I back together was set into motion.

It was the event that capped off the first summer of my life where I really connected to what I wanted and felt at peace with myself. And, it inspired me to set my sights a bit higher this year. The Triple Bypass.

120 miles and 10,000 feet of elevation gain over 3 mountain passes. Holy crap - what the hell am I thinking? I suppose there is no better time to push myself to my limits and dedicate time to training while embarking on some crazy adventures. Life is rapidly changing. So, I plan to embrace it rather than fight it. Who knows where this all will lead me?

Today I'm still hurting from the breakup, and it will probably be some time before that fades. I don't have regrets, but moving on after a tumultuous 3 year relationship is hard. One day at a time.

[shiftingdownlettinggo]

New beginning

It's snowing outside. I've left my girlfriend. And I started a blog. 

While certainly not surprising, this feels like the beginning of something big. I know you're not supposed to make lots of significant life changes within a year, but I've never been very good at following rules like that. I say - bring it on.

I'm still searching for this blog's personality, so for now I will let the stories flow and see where they lead me. I love data and cooking, I'm training for some insane cycling events (more on this to come, I'm sure), and with a little luck I'll begin dating again, too.

Tomorrow will be my first day on my own. I can't decide if I'm excited or just scared shitless. Here goes nothing.