After 6 days I’m finally able to think rationally and I’m very thankful for my religion, my friends and the amazing people surrounding me for helping me healing. I still tear up, I still lose focus and start dreaming and ask multiple ‘what if’ questions, since my angels death and this will last a bit longer because it’s been barely a week since my moon left for the sky but I will get there. We all will.
I’ve never experienced this kind of loss. Never did I imagine that a human can feel this kind of pain and I’d never thought that I would lose track of time. Though it’s been only days, I feel like I’m breathless for months. Kim Jonghyun, was my saviour.
He was my moon in the darkness, my confidence among strangers and my breath during panicattacks.
He saved me from suicide. He saved me from many many monsters and taught me how to smile when I thought I lost that smile forever.
Jonghyun, was my soulmate.
We shared the same love for the moon, for poetry and for peace. We both wanted to be happy and wanted everyone around us to be happy. We both loved people and the dim lights and inspiration. I felt every word he said and dreamed of meeting him in the near future.
Jonghyun was my biggest dream and all the reality I wanted.
When he left, I died for the first time. I honestly don’t know how to explain it because I’ve never experienced this. I am good with words but for the first time I am speechless. I’ve been crying myself to sleep for the past days, didn’t eat nor drink. I was suddenly an empty shell.
I woke up with the worst headache, skipped breakfast and went to the gym and came back and slept and skipped dinner and cried myself to sleep. I’ve never experienced such tailspin over my body. In my head I kept repeating either my best friend crying on the phone, or how I was reading it online. I kept playing a scenario of how I would save him. Of how I would drag him out of that apartment and helped him breathe again just like how he helped me the past 7 years.
I kept on playing scenarios in my head, unhealthily imagining that he was still alive but he isnt.
I want to tell you what this man gave to me:
Through him I literally met one of my best friends now.
He gave me new air to breathe
Courage
Peace
A song about my soul (skeleton flower)
He gave me a smile and many, many more friends.
He taught me selflove and empathy and passion
He taught me poetry and romance
He gave me my future and my goals
Kim Jonghyun was a true angel and I thank god for giving him to me.
Now, today is the 6th day and I can smile thinking of him. I don’t know if it’s because of brutally going through all the farewells and videos and notes just to get used to it as fast as possible or if it is because of my understanding for him, for death and for my acceptance of the unchangeable.
I still tear up, yes but.. talking about him soothes me at the same time.
You know what happened when Jjong left?
Multiple people wrote me on every social media you can think of, on every site and page, calling me, checking up on me. People like my closest friends but also friends I barely talk to. Strangers, shawols and non-shawols. People who hurt me and whom I was angry with- everyone wrote me.
When my best friend and I were crying we weren’t alone, of course we had each other but we had so many people around us, caring for us.
My friends barely left me alone during this time. One called me over to her house the moment we found out, only to let me cry as much as I wanted to (since my parents weren’t understanding), whilest another friend picked me up in the evening just to drive me around. I cried and screamed and she just was there.. with me.
Another friend helped me fall asleep, since I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts at night, so she would legit pick up the phone at 3am only to help me breathe again until I fell asleep.
When Jjong died, I received love. So much love that I felt full.
The past weeks I’ve been avoiding people and was going back into my shell but the moment the incident happened, I didn’t want this anymore.
Jonghyuns death suddenly gave me courage and a vision. Even when he was leaving us physically, he gave us more than we could handle.
Suddenly, I wanna live better, happier, brighter. I’ve never felt this strange energy and impatience to live every day.
Jonghyun gave me new goals and new hopes. Again.
I don’t know what you think, but this man was a living angel.
He never left me alone since the 18th of december. Not once. And I won’t leave him nor any of the members alone.
I was full of dislike and grudge against people, idols and strangers but all those emotions suddenly vanished. I don’t wanna waste my energy on thinking negatively on people but give all my positivity for people who might need it.
I wanna love as hard as Jonghyun.
Seeing now, all the things he achieved -and I don’t mean the trophys and awards and shit- I mean all the love he spread, the lives he saved and the voices he shared, it makes me giddy to make him proud.
Watching shawols buying stars, help donating money, spreading awareness of mental health issues and spreading love like our leader Jonghyun, makes me feel a certain type of happiness Ive never felt before.
Jonghyun, SHINee, is not only a kpop group. Those people were and are saviours, heros, leaders. They are our strength and our role models and they taught us well.
I’ve never seen a group of people being this strong after such a great loss and yet, I feel like shawols are consoling others more than they are consoling themselves because we accepted Jonghyuns decision but we won’t support the fault of our society and the great problems it has.
We wanna help keeping people alive and if that’s not a wonderful family SHINee has built, than what is?
Jonghyun-ah, are you proud of us?
Are you smiling down at us?
Are we making you happy?
Shawols and SHINee will always be together and we will never, EVER, forget you, my angel.
We promise you.
We will soon heal and we will soon stop crying, I promise you this.
Jonghyun, you worked hard.. you did so well.
And though you passed away, you still manage to teach us love and passion.
Rest in Peace Jonghyun.
I love you my moon
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