Remember remember

[shiroinekochan]

I don't miss this and yet I do it all the time.

Why do I spend time with people who do not put in the effort? Who does not care about it? I know that by doing so, I might feel a lot worse than doing nothing but I did it anyway.

And you guessed it, I feel a lot worse. The worst actually. When you realize there's only a small number of people who want you in their lives. Just a small number.

I don't know why I would want more though but I am insignificant in majority of the people I know. I am basically nobody, nobody they'll think about, nobody they'll find, nobody. Just another page in their book. Just a convenience. Just someone they'll forget one day.

I think it's time to put up barriers and walls again. I think I have let myself be too open, too friendly, too available that it's embarrassing.

Ugh, I feel like a total loser.

[shiroinekochan]

Heal.

A word that has been on my mind lately. A word that I am still finding meaning for.

Heal from past trauma.

Trauma, something I don't think I am aware of but trying to be.

I think the most difficult part of this journey is recognizing the trauma and how it reflects in my daily life since it has been a part of me for so long.

Let go.

I think it's going to be hard to admit but I am scared of abandonment, I am scared of being left behind. Not everyone is going to be in my life for long and I hope that when that time comes, I am able to let them go with grace.

[shiroinekochan]

I went away for 2 weeks, came back and it took some time adjusting to my usual routine. I know it has only been 2 weeks but why am I taking so much time adjusting?

My mind seems to be somewhere else, distant, I feel distant, distracted, stuck in my head. I function normally but I don't feel whole heartedly. It feels like I am not giving my all.

To this point today, I didn't realize just how deep inside my head I was until I stepped outside and it reminded me of why I love moving.

It cleared my head, completely. I love sunrise and sunsets, long walks and the rain, oh so much. After a week of feeling like I did everything half-heartedly, today - even for 20 minutes, it gave me hope that this phase will be over soon.

And that,

What's out there -- what's real, is always so much better than whatever it is inside your head.

[quotemadness]

“You’ll break your own heart if you fall in love with ideas and not people.”

— Bridgett Devoue

[shiroinekochan]

Yes!

[shiroinekochan]

Don't be too hard on yourself, the sentence that has been ringing in my head these past few days.

There are days where you are on crossroads - to rest or to push harder. Your body is tired but is it because of too much movement or too little?

On Monday, it was the latter. Today, was not. I am frustrated and a little burned out but I have no one to talk to. I realized that these are one of the journeys I am taking alone. No one would understand the passion and love I have for movement or the hard work I put into this. Take it easy, they would say or you are doing too much, they would also say. Well, you are not doing enough.

I don't think I can put my thoughts in words as my brain is a little jumbled up but this is a start.

[shiroinekochan]

Having friends who show up for you >>>>

I know it has only been 4 years but it means the world to me.

It would be selfish hoping that things stay the same. Change is the only constant in life anyway.

So I can only live in the moment, treasure it, carve every moment in my head and once it passes us all, I hope I am ready to move along with it and may there be days more epic than the ones we had these past 5 years ❤️

[shiroinekochan]

I hate being the eldest.

I hate being responsible.

I hate the expectations people have on me.

I hate being the reliable one.

I hate taking care of people.

I hate that I am doing it alone.

Children are another way of adding to the list of people I have to take care of or "expected" to take care of.

I don't want to resent the people who I need to take care of, or resent the fact that no one is there to help me. I don't want to put that on myself or other people.

Sometimes, they don't understand.

They think that it's me who is the problem. They think that having children is one of life's achievements. But I have never seen children as anything but a double blade sword. Happiness and sadness. Proud and worry. Clarity and pain. But what it definitely is, is a responsibility. A responsibility, in which for other people, to put on me.

And that's not fair.

Haven't I taken care of enough?

[sunpeachhh]

When you run, you look like a shooting star

[shiroinekochan]

Why do you run so much?

When I think about it, running is the closest thing to having wings.

When I run, everything seems possible and it seems like everything I need and everything I want is right in front of me.

As long as I have legs to move, a heart that keeps on pumping (even when it hurts), lungs that are still breathing, I have my happiness no matter where I am.

It makes me feel that I am enough. With just a body that moves, it liberates my mind, lifts my mood up and makes me feel like I have wings to fly. Makes me think I can do the impossible.

I know it feels like I am exaggerating. But in a world where we want more, or that things are not enough, or in a world where people keep chasing or searching for happiness when it is right there in front of you - in the cooling wind, harsh sunlight, fresh air - it is not an exaggeration, it is that simple thing.

Happiness is as simple as having a clear mind, lifted mood, and a healthy body. All that you have already, is enough.

I could only wish someone would relate to this, and could only wish I could make someone realize this but everyone is going at their own paces and everyone finds happiness differently. I just hope the ones searching for it in someone else, or in obtaining something could look within themselves and find that it is already there all along.

I mean, you don't have to run.

A walk is more than enough.

That's my purpose, that's my motivation.

[shiroinekochan]

📍 Beaufort, Sabah.

A place I never thought I would visit. I wouldn't, if it is not for work. But it is a calming little town, 1.5 hours away from Kota Kinabalu.

Charming little town.

A little quiet, when I was there it was the raining season so it further accentuate the hills around this area.

It has one of the oldest train station, with trains looking just as old. Older than what I have seen. I imagined you could stick your head out and feel the breeze on this train.

My grab driver told me you can go to Kota Kinabalu on this train.

Food wise, it is no different from the ones in semanjung, you have ayam penyet, nasi goreng, nasi ayam, koay teow Penang and Taiping (!), and the likes. I could not find mee kolok or a halal beaufort mee, either it's not here or I am just bad at finding.

Other than that, it only took me a day to finish exploring around.

A beautiful town. People are nice, food is cheap. During Ramadhan, you'd think people would storm the restaurants to eat during berbuka but they don't. The places are barely full, no queues, no waiting, I like it. I like that they prefer eating at home.

And Ramadhan here is so much fun, if I didn't have to work. Because you get off work and head for a bazaar and then it's already maghrib. No more waiting that dreadful hour for maghrib.

Sometimes it feels like eh? Berbuka already?!

I am enjoying this.

Maybe one day I could visit the Klias River Cruise to see the monkeys and fireflies. Or take up white water rafting.

[shiroinekochan]

Concubine lane, Ipoh 📍

A place that draws you in each year.

I think people only go for the sights and how it makes them forget (even for a while) of the troubles of the world.

It is a good thing.

It helps us cope with things.

But I just hope that even without it (with the coronavirus and stay home order), people would find other ways to replicate this feelings.

Don't depend on things or people to fill you up with happiness.

Fill your own cup, people or things are not responsible for your happiness, you are.

[shiroinekochan]

06022022

[shiroinekochan]

Like a child with a new found wonder.

I don't know if people would understand what I am going through. But I feel free. This freedom does feel like it's giving me wings to fly. Being able to walk and move makes me feel happy. Very happy.

I feel like a girl with a new pair of eyes, awed at everything, and find everything around me fascinating.

Everything around me makes me happy, it lifts me up, this new found eyes and the view from this perspective is pretty amazing.

It makes me question why youth is wasted on the young? Or why did I waste my teenage years yearning for a boy, chasing after happiness someone else provides and trying to meet people's expectations because I thought that was the way to live if you want a harmonious life.

When I could put my love into things I like, things I want to do, and focus on becoming a person who makes me happy. Trusting myself and giving myself the freedom to think and to feel.

It took me 25 years to get my shit together. It took me 28 years to find this freedom. And 29 years for me to fully accept this.

And 3 years of this freedom is not enough. I want more. I want more beautiful sceneries, I want more walks, I want more freedom, I want more adventures, I want more strength.

Keep moving dearself.

Keep thriving no matter what happens.

[vanish]

[shiroinekochan]

20012022

Wouldn't it be a dream to wake up early in the morning, do some meditating and walk to work in the big city?

I am a city girl through and through, no matter what I say or whatever I try to prove whenever I go out from the city. The city has been a place I was born into, raised in and currently residing.

To make solidify my point, I get fascinated by the lights at night and the tall skyscrapers during the day.

I can see myself living in a one bedroom apartment, walking through the city to work or taking public transport. It would be better if we had autumn or winter, so we wouldn't sweat so much.

But it does feel amazing, to experience it every now and then.

I know, I know. It is all mindless dreaming, living in the city is a headache and probably not good for your mental health but what if, we could make it work?

What if, despite the fast paced life, we endulge in the beautiful scenery, good food, the exciting lights and the endless possibilities?

I have yet to answer that question.

[shiroinekochan]

15012022

Kuala Lumpur

We played tourist in KL this past weekend.

I think I would love to take more photos everywhere I go because these are just gorgeous:

Jalan Alor and Opium. The food was good. Dining in the dark, probably not my style but it was alright.

We even had the experience of praying under the moon. It's amazing how the Bangladeshi people are so committed to their prayers that they would pray anywhere. I would too, if you let me.

We went to the famous saloma crossing, which to be honest, I have no idea what it is.

But it is as pretty as they say.