profound

[shishistarr]

Annyeong!

Are you the kind of person who always gives but never receives anything?

Well, I am somewhat like that. Kaya pag alam kong pinagisipan yung gift sakin, sobrang nattouch ako with matching pasurprise pa. Haha

So eto na nga ang kwento - this girl i’m dating gave me a gift. Voice recording nya saying “I like you too”, a case for my airpods since I always have it when we’re going out and a weather doll.

Ang thoughtful lang. like sobrang nagmelt yung heart ko. Yung recording, parang lagi kong pinapakinggan para good vibes always.

Well, it is good to find someone that matches who you are. Hayysss. How can you stop falling for this girl when she cooks you good food, cuddles and teases you?

Thank you, Spidey! 🕷️🖤

[shishistarr]

Well, no one can see it here. No one knows im here even her so why not post it here?

We’re trying to be lowkey as much as possible so just a couple of persons know about us.

Here’s to my 2023 plot twist. Thank you!

🖤🐈‍⬛

[shishistarr]

I’m falling again. 🤭

[shishistarr]

It is a nice feeling that the people around you are noticing that you’ve changed.

“Uy pumapayat ka.” Like yes. Sobrang di halata pero I can feel it na nagsisipagluwagan na ang mga shorts at pants ko.

“Uy, di ka na nagyoyosi” well, meron pa din naman pero sobrang minsan mo nalang ako makikitang nagyoyosi. Vape vape na eh.

“Uy, nakakasmile ka na ngayon.” Yes. Kahit papaano, I am trying to look for the positive side of things.

“Uy, iba aura mo ngayon. Nakakapanibago na di ka na lugmok.” I’ve been super down for the last 5 months. Sobrang down.

Pinakagusto kong compliment is yung nakita ako ng kawork ko while I am talking to someone over the phone earlier. “Uy, iba yung ngiti mo. Kinikilig ka na ulit” like yes. I mean, there’s someone bringing the life into me again. She’s there, during the lows. And still there right now. And I am very grateful for her for lifting me up. No expectations but I am just happy that she’s there.

I really thought I could never be happy again. Sobra sobra yung binabato sakin ng kapalaran this 2023. And I am really hoping na may plot twist pa. 3 months to go 2023, bring it on!

For my ex, you’re not a disappointment. I never hated you. Siguro nga, iba lang yung point of view natin sa life. Iba lang siguro yung pangarap mo sa pangarap ko. Pero thank you for the 5 years full of memories. Di ko yun makakalimutan. Akala ko talaga tayo na. Akala ko may forever na. But cheers to your happiness. I know you already have all the things you’ve dreamt of. You’re fulfilling the life. Wag mo ko kakalimutan. Madami din naman siguro akong naishare sayo. Haha.

And this is me, accepting the fact that you really never wanted girls in the first place. This is me accepting the fact that we’re just friends. Only time will tell.

[blackpink]

Rosé during How You Like That in Seoul | RÉCORD 레코드

[shishistarr]

Whyyy soo pretty???

[blackpink]

Lovesick Girls in Seoul | RÉCORD 레코드 💛

[shishistarr]

I have kwento.

I’m on VL kasi ngayon and my team is left alone by themselves. Well, deserve kong magpahinga. Pagod ako. 🤣

So one of my agents messaged me “TL, emergency. Si ANO di nagsasalita sa Webex” emergency na sakanila yun kasi that person is always jolly and di talaga sya nagmmute ng mic.

Sabi ko “Oh anong nangyari?”

Sabi nya “Ewan ko TL. Parang ikaw nung di ka nagsalita the whole day. Kausapin mo nga. Di kami sanay eh”

So I ended up messaging that person. “What happened? Are u oki?”

She said “Di ako sanay ng wala ka tl. Ang lungkot.”

I laughed inside. “Oh, so di na ako pede magleave?”

She said, “VL ka lang pag nakaVL din ako.”

And i started thinking, Gagi! Masyado ko ata naspoonfeed mga agent ko.

Then she messaged me again “Di naman ako nahhrapan sa process. Di lang ako sanay na walang nagsasalita sa webex aside from me.”

So I ended up joining Webex and pulled her out sa isang break out room. Then nagulantang ako.

“Magagalit ka ba tl if sasabihin kong miss kita?”

Like wtf?! Hahaha. Stunned ako eh. Well, this person never stops surprising me. She’s too observant when I am not in the mood.

So ang ending, we decided to meet up later since it is her RD din.

Right now I am thinking, “Eto na ba ang plot twist na hinihintay ko? Like, am I ready?” TBH, she really caught my eye the first time we meet. Naissue na nga kami and all. Pero I am not sure if kaya kong tawirin yung boundary between a TL and agent.

Well, gusto kong ilabas lang dito. Di kasi pedeng ikwento sa kaofficemate eh. Paano ba naman, baka ma hello HR ako. 🤣🤣

[shishistarr]

Grabe naman yung relapse na yun.

Akala ko okay na ko.

Pucha, makita ko lang pictures nating dalawa, nagbabago na ulit.

Di ko talaga maintindihan, bakit mo binitawan? Paano mo nabitawan ng ganun kadali?

Like never mo na ba talaga ako naiisip?

Sama mo naman! Grabe na yung sakit na binibigay mo.

Like matic, you’ve been cold. And there’s nothing i can do about it.

[shishistarr]

This day is the hardest.

It puts a nail to the coffin. The end. No more, no less.

Well, not everyone noticed that the bubbly, positive and always happy me turned quiet with a hoodie on.

It is good to see that there’s someone who noticed that there’s something wrong with me without me telling them story. There’s this someone who comforted me without saying anything, and fuck! I appreciated them so much.

But even so, I stared blankly to my monitor, I supposed to be supporting my team but I supported them via chat which is unusual then every 10 mins, I’m crying. Like what the fuck!

My head feels like it will explode any moment. Even my boss comforted me while I’m crying non stop. Nakakahiya pucha pero pake ko? I’m super hurt. Yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon, di ko madescribe.

I dont want to hate her. Pero should I? Minsan I dont want to be me. Bakit ang bilis ko magpatawad? Bakit?

Pero at the end of the day, end na din talaga ng delulu ko na meron pa. Wala na.

Sana masaya ka. The guilt you’re feeling right now, I hope it will subside. I’ve been there, believe me, it will never go away. But I hope, you’ll find yourself the happiness and the acceptance of the people around you.

Let me leave a quote here “You dont need to be accepted to be happy. You dont need to agree with the majority to be happy. Sometimes, going against the norm is the true way to be happy. Own yourself, dont sell it to them. They dont care.”

[shishistarr]

Yung nagmmonthsary na sila ng bago nya tas ikaw nasa moving on and healing part three. What a life! 😂🤣

Bilis mo naman kalimutan yung 5 years. I hope you’re happy. 🤭🤭

[shishistarr]

I’m not like you. Di ako papatinag sa mga tumitingin, mga nagsasabing, tama na. Tigilan na. Wala naman sila nung nasasaktan ako. Wala naman sila nung halos di ako makahinga sa sobrang sakit. Wala naman sila nung masaya tayo. Titingin at titingin ang mga tao sa paligid. May masasabi at may masasabi sila. Pero bakit ka nagpadala? Sadyang di mo na ba talaga mahal?

[shishistarr]

Gusto ko maghike tas sumigaw sa tuktok ng bundok. Gusto kong ilabas lahat ng hinanakit. Gusto ko ng peace of mind. Gusto ko huminga. I just can’t breathe.

[shishistarr]

Wala lang, namiss lang ulit kita.

Tapos ending, nagbackread ako ng posts mo dito.

Tangina. Bobo ko pala no? Sinaktan kita noon, eto na ba yung ganti ng panahon sakin ngayon?

Pero, ironically. We used the same method in moving on. Mag rant dito sa tumblr. Away from prying eyes.

Pero tangina ko. Kung ano yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon, ganun din pala ang sakit na naramdaman mo before.

At sabi ko, last entry ko na about you yung post before this. Di ko pala kaya. Like, I miss you. Fuck! I miss every inch of you. Like everything. I miss the kisses, the hugs and alam mo na yun. I miss to have a confidante. I miss relying on you. Puta kahit ulam natin ikaw nagddecide. I miss your nagging. And I miss to be the only person you love. Yung nasa akin lang attention mo.

Pero puta ulit. Wala naman mali sa relasyon natin. Wala naman talaga. Bakit ramdam kong gusto pa natin. Pero bakit di na pwede? Wala naman tayong tinatapakan na tao diba?

And I miss the last s*x we had before the breakup. Gusto ko lang itanong. From that time, alam mo na ba? Like alam mo na bang iiwanan mo na ako the week after?

[shishistarr]

May nakapagsabi sakin…

“What if ano man mangyari ngayon, kayo pa din sa huli?”

“Like she just wants to explore but you’re still in her heart?”

“If she comes back, will you take her back?”

I know the answer. Like right away, I said of course.

Then she asked me again, “Why? “

I rebutted again. “Why not? I love her. Yun na yun. And if ever she’ll come back, I want it to be the last time.”

We’ve been with a roller coaster of a story and the only plot twist I want is that she’ll be with me forever.

Then again, I don’t expect too much. Whatever happens happens.

1 Corinthians 13

[shishistarr]

Almost 3am thoughts

“Bakit ang complicated ng love life ng third sex like me?” I mean, we could have it all.

If wala lang talagang pangungutya from other people, everyone is happy.

Bakit heterosexual relationships lang masaya? Bakit?

[shishistarr]

Well,

I want this to be the last time I’ll write about you. I want to accept everything and move on.

Maybe it is for the best. For now, I’ll choose myself.

It has been what? How many months since the last time you said “I love you”? And for the past few months, I’ve kept telling myself “Hintay ka lang. Baka bumalik pa sya.” Then I realized. I dont know you anymore. I am sure that’s for the better. And I am truly hoping for your happiness.

I am clinging to that little hope for the past 4 months. Of course, there’s this instinct calling behind my ear that you’ve met someone that is making you happy.

I brushed it off. But of course, being the observant me. I’ve realized that it is true. Well, I am happy for you. Maybe our timing is not right. Maybe you’re not really the one for me. Maybe this is just a test of time. Maybe just maybe.

Why?

Because I know you are the one for me. But if He destined you to be with someone else, then I’ll accept.

I just missed being with you. I miss us. I miss those late night talks we had, your cuddles and your kisses. I miss our Inday dates and of course our drinking sesh.

I will forever treasure those moments, the things you thought me. And I am forever grateful for changing me to be the better version of myself.

Thank you, labs. Thanks for everything.

Always remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. I love you.

[shishistarr]

Paano kapag nakahanap na ex mo ng ipapalit sayo?

Like, what should you feel?

Napakaimpokrita ko if I’ll tell her that I’m happy. Putangina, magjojowa ka din pala, bakit di nalang ako? Dahil babae ako?

Pero realtalk. What should I feel?

Siguro, I’m happy not because she found someone but I’m happy if she is happy.

Di nakakatuwa yung sitwasyon pero if what makes her happy, who am I para pigilan yun.

Anong natutunan natin? Sadyang di lang talaga ako yung nagpapasaya sakanya. The love I have for her is not enough for her to brush off ang pangungutya ng lipunan sa same sex relationship.

Bullshit no? Pero that’s the reality we’re living in.

Hinga lang konti. Idaan mo sa alak. Idaan mo lang sa tawa. Makakalagpas ka din. Malalagpasan ko din to.

The end