REALLY Shitty Hetalia Headcanons

Shitty headcanons made by shitty people. WARNING: This blog contains NSFW, obviously.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #13

Romano has a tomato shrine. It's not even a secret or anything, it's just in the corner of his living room. It's an excellent conversation starter.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #12

Poland is actually a centaur, and covers it up by wearing hoop skirts.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #11

Studio DEEN doesn't mess up proportions. That's just what the nations actually look like, baby arms and all.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #10

Greece actually isn't a furry.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #9

After the IceFridge scandal, Iceland attempted to prove his devotion to his beloved Fridge by marrying it. The other Nordics somehow managed to knock him out before he could do so.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #8

England’s character song “In the Bluebell Woods” was originally supposed to be titled “In the Blue-Ball Woods” and was written about the time England got a bruise on his testicles from running into an unfortunately positioned tree branch. An intern, however, made an error when writing down the title, and everyone decided to just go with it.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #7

Denmark has a dildo made entirely out of Lego blocks. It may be incredibly painful, but he refuses to use anything else.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #6

Japan will have deep, meaningful conversations with each and every one of his anime body pillows. He talks to his Miku pillow the most.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #5

Prussia uses mashed potatoes as lube.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #4

Switzerland is secretly lactose intolerant, but loves cheese so much he eats it anyway and has explosive diarrhea for the next few hours.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #3

“Assis Powhores” is the group name of Italy, Germany, and Japan when they work at gay strip clubs in their free time.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #2

When no one is watching, Germany will talk to his potatoes. They each have a name and personality.

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Shitty Hetalia Headcanon #1

Italy didn’t poop thirty minutes before having anal for the first time.