This morning I woke up around my usual early time, and as I sit here at the computer, slowing waking up, I feel a tightness in my body. I feel a nervousness, but different from the usual anxiety. Today I will go to Lincoln Center and be part of the commencement ceremony for my Master's of Social Work. It will not be what I have dreamed of, actually holding my diploma today with tears streaming down my face as I most likely trip over people for lack of being able to see (because of massive tears). But I realize that life is not always moments like this, of what you might see in movies or read in books.
One of my professors at my grad school shared a quote which has stuck with me since my first semester: "In the end, every thing works out. If it's not OK, it's not the end. Persevere." I love this quote, though I would add something to this. There are no real endings. One path begins and leads you to another. But I so desperately clung to this quote once I heard it. It reminded me that even though I might feel anxious, unsure, scared, angry, depressed, or overwhelmed, it would not always be this way. This quote, along with many other resources, have reminded me that even though I feel a certain way, it will not last forever. Even if something lasts for days, for weeks, months, or years. This quote reminds me that the pain I have felt in my life can eventually fade, and new paths and opportunities emerge, to help guide me to peace and happiness.
I feel that I have so much that I would like to say, but I find sentences and waves of feelings rushing over me that I lose my place.
After two years of the MSW program, I realize that I truly needed this experience. I have used this program as psychoeducation for myself, about mental illnesses and stigmas, about how the mind and body are connected, learning more about trauma and intergenerational trauma, learning more about the importance of advocacy, the importance of seeking information and pushing yourself past what you are uncomfortable with, of learning how expressive arts can be used to help others, to really understand the importance of a therapeutic alliance to help an individual, and a million other things I can't think of now.
I have had the opportunity to meet some amazing people, my professors and my friends at my grad school, fellow students, and friends and now colleagues at my internships. These people have inspired me, motivated me, comforted me, understood me, welcomed me, appreciated me, and most of the time just listened to me. I cannot tell you how many times someone just wants someone to listen.
Through my time in grad school, and my time returning back to therapy, I know I have grown so much. I feel more at peace with parts of my life. I feel I can look back at when I was so hurt and see things with less or no blame towards others. It has not been easy to let go of anger and blame, but I am working towards it. I see that I can understand how so many different things impacted my experience growing up, how things may not have helped, how things did help, and how fortunate I was to have a family who would not simply let my cries of pain go unanswered.
I have learned that the me, the girl who always loved to draw or paint or create jewelry, or other accessories or art, is still there. I am an artist. My love of art and creativity, of being around those who share this passion, is so important to me. My experiences at my art high school, at my performing arts camp, may have been viewed (by myself) as "past failed attempts" to be creative when I really "didn't have it". I see now that it was wrong. My own was good enough. I look back now at art high school and realize I may not have been ready to connect to expressive arts fully because I was so fearful of not being "good enough" or being so used to cutting off how I REALLY felt, deep down, scared that it would come flooding out and not be able to be managed. But that is okay. I have reconnected with my creativity and art. I have learned I can use my love and passion in helping others, through expressive arts as an intervention. My past experiences are not failures, they lend themselves to my experience, they embolden me to know that I am in the right place, the right path for myself, because it can bring me closer to what I love.
I realize how long this is now...I guess I will add a few last things. I will say that even in undergrad, I was interested in learning more, but I always thought "I could never continue my studies. It's too difficult. I can't write well enough for a higher level of education, it will be too stressful and I just can't do it. Told myself that so much. I said I'd never go back to school. I also said I'd never be a social worker. And here I am, about to receive my MSW and I AM a social worker. I am so used to listening to the critic in my mind, so fearful and scared, so angry and sure that I am incapable, and that I must be reminded, constantly. I am learning to find my quiet confidence, I am learning to try to hear that critical voice and realize that is not reality. I am capable. Look at what I have done. Look at what I have accomplished. See that I have helped others. See how this all makes me feel, and try to just be with it. Notice how it feels.
I hear words in my mind "It is a blessing, it is a blessing. What a gift. What a gift." I am filled with a joy that feels like the sensation of coming up for air when you may have been plunged deep underwater. I feel relief. Joyous relief to know that I can move away from feelings of feeling constantly inadequate, not enough, not like X person, or whatever. I am living my life. I am making meaning. I am capable, and I have so much I can do. I will continue to make my own way. I love myself, my weird, silly, over-the-top, loud, sensitive self. It's not easy to say. I have not really felt this way, in a long time. But I do, love myself. I realize I have strength and intelligence, creativity and empathy, a beloved sense of humor and most importantly, resiliency.
Today, I honor myself and my accomplishments. I acknowledge that I have proven to myself that I AM CAPABLE. I am enough. I have meaning and purpose. Today, I honor my hard work, my struggles, the mistakes I made and what I have learned. I reflect on my life's path and instead of seeing ends and failures, I see experiences that are connected, and that are meaningful.
I thank my parents for their constant support, encouragement, love, and belief in me. For never giving up on me, for trying to understand and help me, for seeing what was inside of me when I truly did not, for guiding me.
For my family as a whole, teaching me and loving me,I thank my friends, for the gift of their friendship and love. For their support, for not doubting my decision to enter in to social work and believing in me. For giving me time with you to de-stress, relax, and have fun.
And I thank my fiance (still weird to write out or say), who has supported me, listened to my rants, pushed me to complete work, reminded me that I am an artist, believed in me, stayed with me or listened over the phone when I was near to or in tears, and brought me back to the path forward when I felt so completely far off. I am further emboldened to move forward in my life and career, to move towards our futures together and the adventures they will bring.Without all of you, I would not be who or where I am now. I know I did the work, but really, in a way you have each done some too. I honor you today, and your places in my life.
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