Shit My Sleeping Wife Says

I promise you these are exact transcripts. In no way have I fabricated this shit.

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Coming and Going

Sleeping Wife: Mmhmm.

Me: What’s that?

SW: Yeah it’s just busy with all these people coming and going and coming by to drop things off for us to...file I guess?

Me: Who are these people?

SW: Oh, in my mind.

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

A Burrito of Experience

Sleeping Fiancee: “Hello. I’m a burrito of experience.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

SF: *shrugs*

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Life and blog title update

Sleeping Fiancée: “Did you see the couches?”

Me: “What couches?”

SF: “The sofas.”

Me: “Which ones?”

SF: “The couches raise up. They’re floating there with the bugs. The bed bugs that come at night. But then the snow comes and makes them go away.”

Me: “Is that so?”

SF: “Nuh uh. But people think that.”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

How Many Pandas?

Sleeping, seconds away from awake Finacee"How many pandas have you gone through? How many Andrews? Andress?"

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Make-up post:

“I guess I didn’t realize it became this whole thing.”

Me: “What?”

SF: “People jumping out of cars and people kicking each other and people dropping people into tubs and all kinds of shit.”

Me: “Who’s doing this?”

SF: “...”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Height Issues

Sleeping Girlfriend: (whisper) "I'm sorry I'm not taller.” Me: "What?" SGF: "I'm sorry." Me: "Why?" SGF: "I wish I was just a little bit taller." Me: "Why?" SGF: "For the menus." Me: "What? What menus?" SGF: "For when we have to put (a gesture best described as her attempt to play the piano, with the keys a foot out in front of her, and two feet above her head) everything together in one place." Me: "What menu, though?" SGF: "We're all just tryin' to eat. It's too much."

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

The James Pizza Tickets

Sleeping Girlfriend whispers all of the following : 

SGF: "Did you pick up the James Pizza tickets?"

Me: "The what?"

SGF: "The James Pizza tickets."

Me: "...yes."

SGF: "From last night?"

Me: "What do you want on them?"

SGF: "Nothing, I just want to make sure you have them and that I'm not hootin' and hollerin' about shit I shouldn't be, ya know?"

Me: "Ok."

SGF: "That's all I just want to make sure we're covered."

Me: "Covered for what?"

SGF: "Everything."

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

The Presentation

Me: "Go back to sleep." SGF: "I'm trying to, but it keeps popping out." Me: "What does?" SGF: "This thing. You know what I mean. This." Me: "Blanket?" SGF: "No, it keeps popping up and popping out." Me: "What does?" SGF: "Just the presentation and all the stuff." Me: "What presentation?" SGF: "No, I'm just saying it keeps popping out and I don't have time and it's too much." Me: The presentation is too much?" SGF: "..."

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Keeping Things Going

Sleeping Girlfriend: [abruptly begins clapping] Me: What's up? SGF: I'm clapping for you. Me: For what? SGF: Keeping things going. #KeepingThingsGoing

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Took It, Too

Me: “We forgot to get dish detergent.” SGF: “Okay, do I have that or did you take that too?” Me: “Did I wh-” SGF: “You did, you took that.” Me: “Took it where?” SGF: “I dunno.” Me: “Is that good or bad?” SGF: “Whhhaaaaaaaat?” Me: “Is that good or...” SGF: *waves me away.* Me: “What are you saying.” SGF: “Don’t push my buttons.”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Two of Them

Sleeping Girlfriend waves me over.

SGF: “There’s two of them.” Me: “Two of what?” SGF: “No, there can’t be two of them.” Me: “Two what?” SGF: “Three.” Me: “Three what?” SGF: “Nuh uh.” Me: “Three-” SGF: “You know the answer.” Me: “No, you know the-” SGF: “Only you know the answer stop it.” Me: “I don’t, though...” SGF: “...”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

That’s All I Got For You

Sleeping Girlfriend: "They're about to say fffffff." Me: "They're about to say what?" SGF: "They're about to say four." Me: "Who is?" SGF: "A long time ago. When we were first saving money. Remember? We said (mumbles). Me: "We said what?" SGF: "The people who were nominated." Me: "Yeah?" SGF: "Well it takes a long time with the music and the movies and the music and (mumbles)." Me: "What movies?" (She laughs) SGF: "Your face. No, but it takes a long time....that's all I got for you." (I turn to leave and write this down) SGF: "Does any of that help you, or am I useless?"

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Hand Walls

SGF: “There are walls in my hands." Me: “What kind of walls?" SGF: “They’re not real." Me: “How’d they get there?” SGF: “…”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

The Sound of the World

Sleeping Girlfriend"Hmm." Me: "What?" SGF: "Nothing, I'm just listening." Me: "Listening to what?" SGF: "To the sound of the world." Me: "What's it sound like?" SGF: "Like people pushing carts." Me: "Where are they pushing them." SGF: "Matt, don't get all involved, just go to sleep."

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

The Same Thing as One

Sleeping Girlfriend: “Are you with Enterprise, or are you an M&M?” Me: “What?” SGF: “Are you The Enterprise, or with M&M?” Me: “Why?” SGF: “Because you can’t be both the same thing as one.” Me: “Is that so?” SGF: “I have a headache.” Me: “Do you need to take something for it?” SGF: “...”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Two in a Row

...moments after ‘Don’t Tell Me”:

Sleeping Girlfriend: “You’re all up in my grill.” Me: “I’m all the way over here.” SGF: “But the perspective.” M: “What perspective?” SGF: “The perspective of the situation, which you left out all night, and didn’t put in the folder correctly, and therefore...does not exist.” M: “What folder?” SGF: “...”

[shitmysleepingwifesays]

Don't Tell Me

Me: "What time do you have to get up?" Sleeping Girlfriend: "I know." M: "You know what?" SGF: "Wait, wait, don't tell me, I know!" M: "You know what?" SGF: "Everything?"