Some ways to talk positively about sex without adding to the pressure to have it:
Make it clear that trying to control other people is what’s wrong with sex-shaming. Sex is a personal choice. It’s just as wrong to shame people for choosing not to have sex as it is to shame them for having it. What’s important is respecting people’s right to make their own choices.
Be clear that having sex or not has zero impact on someone’s worth. You’re not worth more or less if you have a lot of sex. You’re not worth more or less if you have no sex or sex only in certain circumstances. Your choices about whether or not to have sex are not even remotely connected to how good, cool, or interesting a person you are.
Feminists: When you talk about the way sexually active women are devalued, also talk about the way women who choose not to have sex are thrust into their own unhealthy roles as paragons, “innocents” to be manipulated, or ever-nurturing maternal figures. Talk about false dichotomies and why they’re harmful to everyone who is coercively sorted into them, and why it’s important to value people without thrusting them into this dichotomy.
Desexify sex. Talk about it frankly. Don’t treat it as a big mysterious forbidden secret, a big rite of passage, a feminist achievement, or some kind of holy bonding ritual. Sex is a hobby. Like any other hobby, it has different meanings for different people in different contexts.
Like any other hobby, some people like to do it with their romantic partners, with friends, or with other people, and some people like to do it rarely or not at all.
Like any other hobby, some people find it very meaningful, some use it as a way to bond with their partner, and some people just think it’s fun or do it because they’re bored.
Like any other hobby, sex is not necessary to have a good and happy relationship. Some people have it, some people don’t. There are a lot of hobbies you can share with your partner; this one isn’t the only option or the most important one. Etc., etc.
Make a clear distinction between sexual feelings and choosing to do sexual things. Many people like to feel sexual even if they don’t want to have sex, and that’s okay! Exploring sexual thoughts, feelings, and activities alone is a healthy choice, and so is just ignoring those thoughts and feelings. Make it clear that the power is in the choice.
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Provide information on asexuality. Not everyone feels sexual attraction, and knowing that it’s a valid experience shared by many others may help people feel like it’s okay not to have sexual relationships they don’t want.
Emphasise emotional safety. Talk about how people have different emotional needs and that it’s important to think about your feelings and expectations before deciding to have sex. Many people have complicated feelings about sex and it’s important not to rush in until you understand what you want - emotionally and otherwise - from a sexual experience.
Emphasise meaningful consent.
Meaningful consent means everyone involved really understands what’s going to happen, what the risks are, and what it means for them emotionally and for their relationship with whoever they’re having sex with.
It means everyone has talked about what they want and what they don’t, and feels okay saying “stop” and “slow down” and “not right now” and “let’s do something else for while.”
It means there’s a pretty even balance of power - there’s no meaningful consent if one person is much older, a teacher or mentor, a coach, or a boss. It also means that nobody feels like they have to do it to make someone else happy.
Meaningful consent means that nothing happens unless everyone has said yes to it while feeling safe enough to say “no” if they want to.
Here are some things to think about when deciding whether or not to have sex. (link one) (link two)
