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ugh its starting to get a lot worse again

#i feel like im constantly policing my own thoughts #i try to figure out what all my thoughts mean #what is the root cause and everything #i think that’s why im so attracted to determinism and naturalism #i guess it’s comforting to think that it was always going to end up this way #doesnt make it feel much better though #i think i need to start being more honest with myself #and honest with others #i lie so often it’s basically instinctual #but i also equally feel like there is no one i can truly be honest with #ive always had a small problem with intrusive thoughts #it was particularly bad in y8 when i had this recurring vision of someone gouging my eyes out omori style #and then i would get stabbed and id bleeed over a white carpet and no one would ever find me #but it went away eventually #i guess they have come back now #it just feels really awful and i wish it would stop because i always feel really bad after it #but when the thoughts arent really awful towards others it’s always endless self criticism #i check my weight every day i pull my shirt tight every day i feel my adam apple in my throat all the time #i look at my face and the imperfections change every day #im worried that i look so awful and it’s impacting my relationships with everyone around me but im equally worried that i have bdd or smth #and then i try to sleep and it takes hours because i just feel so awful and ugly and alone #ive gotten serious insomnia i stay up until 2 am every single night doing nothing but thinking and thinking and thinking #and then all of a sudden that awful stupid feeling from when i was 10 comes back and im just sad and wanna cry all the time and i don’t kno #why im like this there’s nothing to cause this i have friends now i have goals now why do i feel so fucking awful #my brother is getting sad a lot now and im worried its genetic #im really worried my dad has some serious mental issues its kind of scary #he genuinely doesnt empathise ever he genuinely doesnt acknowledge others emotions he doesn’t recognise tone and he doesn’t keep secrets #fucking hell he outed my sister to me he talks about really personal shit on a whim and he never changes his behaviour ever ever ever #he had to go on a 2 week no phone retreat to come back with any fucking sympathy but that all went away because of course it did #his dad went crazy too and i have hardly met any of my dads brothers it has to be genetic

i high key think my paretnrs might be getting divorced :((( they have been fighting basically every night since i can remember but they always fought so i just accepted it but they started to go sleep at other people’s houses more and mum went away for almost a week and dad keeps going on work trips and tonight is the first time this has happened for two times in a row dads car is just missing and they keep fighting always always always i sometimes can’t go to sleep bcs they are always talking and mum is always crying now even though the entire time before i was 10 she cried only once in front of me and that was when grandad died. my mum literally had to take my therapy appointment (which i really really needed bcs ive been feeling like absolute shit lately) for herself because she was feeling awful. its all dads fault i really dont like my dad anymore he was never emotionally present when i was younger and he’s still barely emotionally present now. i think there is a very good reason his first marriage went badly and i think there’s a very good reason that for almost 2 years all my stepsisters hated my dad and i think there’s a very good reason why the girls stopped coming over for weekends but its not like my mum is perfect she always defends my brother im always in the wrong when i get in trouble and shes very generous with school and stuff but she enables josh and his awful behaviour i feel like i cant have shit in this house i cant wait to move out

#i don’t think it helps that a lot of the periodic self hate has come back #i think about being a man every day consistently #whenever i look in a mirror whenever i put on clothes whenever i even feel clothes on my skin #i genuinely felt so awful wearing shorts today bcs i felt like everyone was judging me and thinking i looked awful #ive really fallen into this awful pit of self hate and i just dont know how to stop it #like ill look in a mirror and my forehead is too big my skull is too big my shoulders are to broad my hair is dogshit my adams apple is sji #my nose is shit my eyebrows are shit my lips are shit my chin is shit my ribcage is giant my hands are big my elbows are big #i feel so fat and awful and ugly and it’s just so ughhh #ive started seriously trying to lose weight again and ive dropped 2 kilos but i still feel the same if not worse #i feel like ill be happy at 50kg but deep down i know that ill never be happy with my weight #ive started to call myself a freak and a tranny in my head consistently which isnt good #i feel like everything i do socially is so awkward #i feel like everyone secretly hates me but they are just being polite because im that much of a freak that i need sympathy #the stupid self deprecating jokes and suicidal ideation that i thought i killed years ago are all coming back #at least now i have plans to diy #even if it’s 4 months after questioning and 2 months after coming our #i get some money in cash as well as some ritalin for exams and give it to aspen and they order it for me online #hopefully that goes well bcs there’s not a whole lot else going for me

i hate stupid ritalin this is complete bs

#why is it that whenever ritalin wears off i feel like everyone in the world hates me #i remember why i wanted to switch now #ritalin makes med feel like shit vyvanse is a prodrug #maybe i need dexies or adderal #i feel so shit ugh

#i really can’t keep this up #i’ve never felt like this for such an extended period of time #i guess i was repping for so long i forgot that i hated being a man?#i relapsed twice today #i really can’t call it relapse any more if i keep this up #like i swear ill be having fun #doing anything #and if there is anything that reminds me that im a man it immediately puts me off #my dad said an offhand remark about how he thought we was gonna be taller and that set me off #i saw one of those ironic mewing memes and that set me off #i saw that stupid tweet and it set me off #i just feel so shit and there’s nothing i can do about it #i can’t undo the damage done to my body #ill never be short my bones will always be giant my skull will always be giant #ugh im even falling for the worms now #i need to just be normal and enjoy the holiday #like a normal person

#grahhhhhh #ATGRGGARAG #ugghghghghgh #itss not fairrrrrrr #it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair #that stupid druggie transbian puppygirl loser gets to be 5’3 and i dont #is this for real #“line frotting with the birthday girl ^_^” kill yourself #not fair not fair not fair #im becoming a bitterhon……..#why didn’t i just come out 2 years ago when i first realised i was trans #i could have been passing i wouldnt have ended up a giant #but no i was just so stupid and now I get nothing #nothing at all #my skull is way too big to ever pass #ughhhhhhhhh

OH MY GOD IM NOT DAD ITS THE DAMN MEDICATION AGAIN

#come onnnn vyvanse #you were my only fucking hope #but i still end up sad at the end of the day #for fucks sake #i hate stimulants why do i rely on them

grah

#wuh #not feeling too great #damn you wretched website #i went swimming today which wasn’t a great start #the top i was wearing was very thin and loosed and then i looked in the mirror and just like #ugh #my shoulders #my stupid fucking shoulders #im 5’9 and 14 i should not have shoulders this wide #16.5 inch bideltoid #why was i cursed with this #anyways that set me on a spiral of thinking about my body all day #almost threw up #binged #looked in the mirror for a good hour or so #ughh #i just feel so awful #i feel fat again #my bones feel too big #despite there not being a single razor to be found in this house i still relapsed #i grabbed the damn car key and scraped my thighs for a couple minutes #it hurts like hell #i seriously do not know what to do #i just have to wait it out until therapy when i get home #and ideally get hormones #i just can’t really keep going like this

#le sigh #the sadness returned…#idk what to do #i think it’s that wretched website #ughghghghgghghgghggghhg #i have a therapy session booked when I get home to talk about trans shit so I’ll bring it up then #i almost instinctively went to say tranny shit GET OUT OF MY HEAD #ugh #this is literal brainrot #i feel like I’ve been stuck in my own head so long I’ve forgotten how to live #vyvanse better save me #also im going to try taking a little more ritalin than im supposed to at home to try make me feel better

omg i just realised why i’m feeling better it’s literally because i’m not taking ritalin. ugh i hate medication

#this is total bs #im so glad i’m switching to vyvanse so i can be normal #end to the social awkwardness hopefully #and depressive spirals lmao

the audio was right i wasn’t depressed i did just need a holiday

#i feel like #a lot better #like weight off my shoulders #the self hate isn’t really going away fully but like it’s a lot better now yk #it’s nice and cold #lots of free time #fun shit to do #really good views #like esp the first few days of the holiday #and maybe it’s because i wasnt able to lurk tttt in the middle of the night but 🤫🤫🤫🤫#i might honestly start voice training when i get home #bcs im hopefully getting on hormones by the end of the year #good to get a head start #i talked to mum about it an im not gonna get stuck wearing feminine clothes when im not ready #we both agreed that we don’t want me to look like a man in a dress lol #i think realistically ill just keep the current thing with me being gay #just an open secret #with the amount of transsexual jokes that scarlet makes im sure most of the english class has an inkling #and im pretty sure most people know im gay even if they dont acknowledge it #once i get home i need to speedrun hanging out with everyone #hopefully i can go shopping with aspen on the weekend back

thank you hunty schafer

#im not feeling very hawk tuah today #i say today but it was the same as yesterday #Immortality is fun #but i could get any work done #because im a loser with no self control #i didnt cut myself tonight though so count my blessings #ive been feeling worse about my bones lately #i just feel like my shoulders are so broad and my hands are so big #and my skull is just giant it’s unreal #i think I’ve been developing like #maybe not an eating disorder but definitely an unhealthy relationship with my weight and food #it says something that when I was considering new adhd medication my main concern was whether it suppressed appetite or not #ive been weighing myself more too #im around 56 which puts me just barely underweight #so ii #just don’t understand why i feel so fat and so guilty about eating #i remember seeing an explanation somewhere that the reason some trans ppl do this is bcs of an agency thing #like they have such little control over their body’s so they do this to have control #maybe it’s that #but i just really feel like i need to be thinner and i know it’s stupid #.and my parents make me too much food for me to be in any danger #i just keep getting models on my Insta and ed shit too #like before i eat i always go ‘oh i should eat later to burn fat’ and sometimes when I feel like I’ve eaten too much I’ll let myself eat #but I’ll say that I’ll punish myself #like sometimes i would cut myself but it wasn’t usually that #i would just bang my head against the wall #idk whats wrong with me

‘thank you avogado’ we all say in unison

#uhhhghgghhhuhhawawahahahagahgahahagah #i cant do this anymore #i just feel so awful all the time #every day i feel myself getting taller and broader and bigger #and my adams apple is growing and my brow bone is getting stronger and ughghahhhhgh #if god is real then why did he put me on this earth to feel like this #what forsaken reason do i feel like this #was this his grand design?? was my misery a part of his plan??#not only did god have to make me feel like this he also had to make me the most masculine fag ever #no matter which way i suck my stomach in or try to avoid myself eating or whatever i do i cant stop it #i can feel it all slipping though my fingers and i just dont know what to do #ughghhhghghhhhgh #ive started regularly cutting again so i cant call it relapse #i get no sleep anymore #i feel miserable all the time #and i dont know what to do #i feel like there is nothing i can do to get me out of this wretched hole ive fallen into #there’s no escaping it anymore #not a day goes by without someone saying im tall or my hands are big or my adams apple is showing or that im growing fast #i dont want this why did this have to happen to me why cant i have just been born a girl #ughhhhhh i hate this i hate this i hate this #i feel like tearing my hair out and then my skin out and then my eyes out and then whatever’s left of my #what is wrong with me

not feeling hawk tuah today

#feeling in an avogado6 mood today #ARATGATAGAGATRAAHAHAGAGAGGAGAGA #i hate being tall i hate being tall i hate being tall #i hate this shit #im gonna end up being so tall #and so freakish #and so manly #and there’s nothing i can do about it i can do anything im gonna be 6’2 and i can’t do anything about it #i hate being tall i hate broad shoulders i hate having a browbone #why is my face so wide why is my skull so big why is my ribcage so giant #why are my elbows and knees and feet and hands so giant #why do i literally have the worlds worst nose #why did i have to get the fastest growing adams apple in the world #why did i have to be an early bloomer #i hate being a man why was i born like this

i might actually be bipolar or something because i feel like a lot of the time I’m fine and then at like random times I’ll just have these weeks where I feel awful and shitty but then there are weeks where im happy and active and productive and i just don’t get it

stupid algorithm has me thinking about tulpas again

#tulpas and thought forms are so strange to me #like #because yeah sometime they aren’t intentional #but you can choose to make one #you can choose to make some sort of conciousness inside your own head by just imagining it #same with hypnotism #like you’re telling me this shit is real and no one talks about it??

its really getting bad again

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