You Can't Eat a Green Man

The Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica In Which I Provide For Your Amusement: General Bullshit, Silliness, and Crimes Against God Now Featuring: Ask Magwich!

[shrubwich]

Look, I know that a computer program can’t truly measure the quality of writer, but: damn, son.

This is possibly the worst opening line to any known book, but also an honest preview of what you’ll be dealing with going forward. 

[halles-comet]

William Shakespeare was a bisexual kid from a town a hundred miles outside London with the equivalent of a high school education who knocked up a 26-year-old out of wedlock when he was 18 and he wrote 37 plays and 154 sonnets that changed the English language and the nature of Western drama and theater and if that isn’t an argument against elitism and a culture of constant perfectionism I don’t know what is

[shrubwich]

Yeeeesssss. It takes, like, 10 seconds of research to realize that Shakespeare’s work his lifetime was popular with the working classes and written to appeal to a mass audience, to be enjoyed by people of all classes and levels of education. There are SO many fart and dick jokes in his plays, I don’t even know. And Titus Andronicus is straight up a torture porn for the stage.

But, y’know, he was a rich, straight, cis, white, male (shhh, shhh, no more facts, only tears), so we gotta tear his portrait off English dept. walls and cut him back from the curriculum.

[shrubwich]

(a selection of) CotIG characters as wolf pupy tweets

john: if taxi drivers dont want to be paid in scented candles they should have a sign

jack: we must follow the bright circle to where it touches the ground then kick its ass

charles: thanks to candle magic and protection spells i dont need health insurance, car insurance, or to look where i am going

laura glue: if i could shoot anything with a gun i would probably shoot another gun, the hunter become the hunted

aven: i am abandoning the twitter world to pursue a career as a gun slinging fashion diva. good riddance to you all

rose: combat helmet? no thanks ill take my sunflower hat, im not going to look like an idiot out there on the battlefield

kipling: haha youd have to stab me with atleast 6 more knives than this, this is so little amount of knives that i am stabbed with

doyle: to truly understand something you must first not understand it, then later understand it

houdini: if you want my advice i say be so bad at digging your own grave that they do it for you then fall asleep in it before they kill you

poe: vampires hate sunlight because it kills them, but me, i hate sunlight for legitimate reasons

verne: the best way to solve problems is to create more problems until you are dead

barrie: i'm sure i'm going to ruffle some feathers with this but given the choice between good times and bad times i would like to have the good times

burton: archaeologists have found hieroglyphs on the wall of a hidden chamber inside king tut's tomb that confirms he was a damn bitch

madoc: honestly now that I have it this throne of human skulls is crazy uncomfortable to sit on

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[Meanwhile...]

Oh god I hate this format, why do you let it exist Tumblr, oh right because you're a bad site programmed by cats.

Adding on to this, because I can never eat just one, here are a bunch of actual Charles Williams quotes (sources pending).

• we all agreed to wear our amulets today and you turn up wearing a talisman? of course there was going to be drama, this glyph foretold it.

• when you post a photo of a gemstone make sure it is fully charged with magic energy, if it's at like 3% it's just embarrassing

• you can only blame your failures on the curses and hexes for so long, then you have to start blaming the people who put them on you.

• using a combination of electromagnets and gemstone energy you can increase brain's intelligents beyond genius level, zero learning required.

But goddamn, this pupy is a broken slushy machine of Magwichian philosophy.

• things of the past will become a thing of the past with this new way of not remembering, it's called forgetting. i can't recall how it works

• The fact is, In life sometimes actions that certain people view as "mistakes" are made and we, as a society, need to do better on this 3/6

I personally have not and will not acknowledge or accept any of these perceived mistakes, Of which I take no responsibility 4/6

I will be continuing to live by this fundamental belief long into the future, Taking into consideration nothing else 5/6

Therefore anyone who continues to say things at me like i am at fault for anything can kiss the business end of my ass. 6/6

• if you ask me all this stuff was already broken, i just unveiled the hidden truth by knocking it all over

• easier said than done. i could easily say something, but doing something? hell, i can't even imagine the amount of work that would involve.

• hey all you said was that i had to learn that stuff, at no point was it mentioned that i also had to retain the knowledge

• the last thing i want to encounter is an obstacle, let alone a whole course of them.

• what have "we" learned? don't drag me into this, i'm not here to learn.

• instead of spending all your time trying to make things better and failing you can cut out the middleman and just make things worse

• i have removed all responsibility from the decision making process by only doing things by accident

• if i'm going to learn a lesson it better be a valuable one, i'm not going to learn some cheap inexpensive lesson, waste of my time

• a lot of the time when people say something at me they expect an answer which is unfair considering i don't usually listen to what they said

• i should have known better? you would be surprised how little i know

• i was put on this earth to do one thing, luckily i forgot what it was so i can do whatever i want

• people often ask me, i forgot what they asked and didn't write it down, but frankly it doesn't matter.

• when you think about it, which i haven't and won't ever plan to, i don't know where i was going with this

• i don't want to throw anyone under the bus here unless they are my enemy or betrayer or if it will help me get where i'm going faster

• people say "what you don't know won't hurt you" when in factuality i don't know anything and am constantly being seriously injured and hurt

• "looks like we are going to have to do this the hard way" - someone who hasn't learned to just give up and not do it, the much easier way

• i've caused enough problems to know that blaming me for them doesn't solve anything.

• i've noticed with my stuff people either hate it or they don't like it, no middle ground

• problem solving skills are well regarded but where is the respect for the problem creators such as myself

• seems like in all my failures a key recurring factor is everyone else, which is where the blame should fall

[shrubwich]

are we dragging famous caretakers now because I'm 100% down for this

@frosttrix

Oh hell yeah we are, that’s like half of what this blog is! I’m not even sure if I’m RPing Magwich when I do it, or if I’m just RPing myself. I have a complicated relationship with authors, especially ones that receive seemingly universal praise.

Man, I didn’t even get forced to read Dickens in school. Because I dropped out of school before they could get to me. Enjoyment of reading, life has increased exponentially. Don’t stay in school, kids! That’s where the love of learning goes to die!

[shrubwich]

How exactly is being paid by the installment all that different from being paid by the word? Unless your publisher has put a cap on how many installments they’re willing to pay for (and if you’re a big time swingin’ Richard like Dickens, I imagine they were willing to buy quite a few), more words equals more installments equals a bigger paycheck, да?

[shrubwich]

Putting Famous Writers on Blast pt. 108

Among other public buildings in a certain town, which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning, and to which I will assign no fictitious name, there is one anciently common to most towns, great or small: to wit, a workhouse; and in this workhouse was born; on a day and date which I need not trouble myself to repeat, inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader, in this stage of the business at all events; the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter.

MENTION EVERY DETAIL THAT IS UNIMPORTANT ALONG WITH THE ADMISSION THAT YOU KNOW IT’S UNIMPORTANT. If people wanted to experience sentences that veer off road for such great times and distances that, by the time they’ve course corrected, everyone’s forgotten where the road was going and why they were on it in the first place, they can talk to their grandparents for free.

[gayboymint]

you sorry excuse for an overgrown radish

bonus:

Keep reading

[shrubwich]

OH SWEET PROVIDENCE that I should happen to run a search on Magwich, despite knowing that it would likely be for nought! 

Charles, unholy screaming is no excuse for foisting your responsibilities onto your friend’s alcoholic brother who’s probably into watersports! So he did get along with your wife, so what? YOU didn’t get along with your baby! What, are you gonna drop him off at Warnie Lewis’ place, too? I bet your girlfriend wouldn’t get along with your wife, either, but did you dump her?

I have so many receipts on writers, and writers only.

Not enough attention was given to Magwich. That’s it. But more specifically: all the Cronenbergian body horror that keeps being forced on him. Put yourself in his... sandbags... pot... for a minute-- that shit’s terrifying! Being turned into a Green Knight sounds like the transformation sequence from An American Werewolf in London times a thousand. How does your face even work!? Does the wood just magically shift about like muscles or what? And Shrub!wich is just as confusing! He says he doesn’t have a mouth, but how is he talking? Is it just a stage hand jiggling a fake plant around whenever he needs to talk in order to visually indicate speech wait no get back up there, fourth wall.

[shrubwich]

Man, I never thought I’d say this, but things were way simpler before JAOwen broke my big dumb Nephilim AU. Now I’ve just gone completely out of control because I have absolute creative control, because now I’m beholden to no preexisting mythology but my own AND. Mmm. It’s escalating, is what it is. It’s Dragonball levels of escalating. It’s like:

Hey, One Month Ago! What’s Momwich’s power level?

OH, she’s basically a Soulsborne boss who fell to Earth from her realm outside of time and space because hubris and---

OK wow, that’s OP as fuuuuck, I need to calm down; Current Time, what’s the status?

S̵̺͍͈̯͕̗͉̖͔͙̦̠̭̃̀̈ͫͬ́H̒̆̌̒̇̋͑̈́ͫ́͊ͥ҉̴̛͈̱̰͎̣͝ę̷͍͖̪͉͈̯̓̽͂̐ͭ̐͛̀̈́͗͒̚ ̷̆ͯ͑͗̈̇͗̚̚͘̕͢͏̝̟̺͓̭̤̫į̪̝̰̮̱̦̫͔̳̰̠̰̱̤̔ͪ̄ͯ͞͡S̴͊̋͂ͤ̅̌̋́ͨͬͭ̓͏͈̗̯̝͢ ̧̛ͮ̄ͯ̿̆̌͋͐̅҉̖̝̞̜͇̺͕̰͉͎̟̞T̶̷̛̯̪̟̭̪͎͎̼̖͓̟͔̲̘̅͛ͧͪ̂͆ͩ̄͗̽̅ͫ͋͌̓͟Ị̶͈̫̟͙̘̤̩͚̣ͪ͛̊̌̂̈̒͑̽̄̓̎̌̆̒ͯ̊̚͢͡ͅm̷̴̳̮͍͎̠̘̥͚͕̟̭̖̮̺͉͉̫͐ͮ͆ͣͬͮ͆̃ͧͦͤ͡͝e̶̶̮͕̥̙̯͈͉ͮͯ̈ͨͧ͌ͯͬ̅ͤL̠͚̯̬̥̜̣̯͖̥̻̺̱ͦͨ͗ͧ̆ͦͮ̎̌ͪ̓ͦ̐͞͠Ę̢̿ͪ͛͒̚͟҉̸̣̣͕͍̤͙̘͕̭̲̙̝̟̰̮̫S̶̄͛͂̍̃͌̉͗͛̽̊͗̀̊̾͒̒̉͗͏̶̺̞͙̯̻̗Sͯ̉̔ͫ̒̀ͬ͋́҉̵̖͎̖͚̘̬̦̹͇͖͉͎͢ͅ ̨̖͕̝͇̱̱͚͍͐̋ͤͬ̍̑͛ͥ̓̏́̏̓̂ͣ͂ͬͪ̂͠f́̑̌̐ͣ̐͌̐̏́͌̍ͮ̌̓ͭ̏̚͏̤̭̗̹̹̹̥̮͖͕̺͎̗̜̠̭̺̣Ơ̷̘̤͙͓̱̯͕͍͓̫̫͙̼̭͓̤͈͂͆͒̔̈́ͦ͗̐̏͂͆̃̐̚Ŗ̸̵̖̫̟̹̩͓̫͕̥̹̝̩͎͖̩̦͎̱̲̔̅̎̇ͨ̓͗m̸͇̙̤̣͙͚̗̒̏̉̈́̔̿̅͗͑̅̃͑̿͑̐ͮ̀l̛͖̯̹̰̞̙̜͍̻̥͔̺̠̔̓̃͑̆̈́ͮ͌͒ͯͯ̓̽͠ë̷̛̠̯̼̮̜̦̬̱̞́̋̒͒ͮͧ̎ͬ̄̄͐͞s̭̟͍͎̥̗̫̙̬̱̭͙͆̌͂ͭ͑́̃̓̽͌̈̍̈́̾̌̑ͪͩ́͘ͅş̴̴̬̺̲̦͉͉ͯ̀̎ͫ̆̾ͣͪ̈́̑͆̏̚ ̢̤̙̼̦̠̳̳͎͈̥̞̪͚̫ͭ͑̿͛͑͋ͣͮ̓͊ͧ́͝G̷̨̳͙͎̥͚̓̉͂̋̇ͣ̾̋̑ͪ͒̋ͣ̔̊ͦ̾Ǫ̴̜͎̭̼̪̻̼̝̙̟̊̀̅ͯ͛ͤ͌͋D̴̢̝͖̬̻̻̤̘̰̺̝ͮ̆̀̒̈́͘͟ͅ ̡͍̩̱̺̫̺͈͓̭̹͇̠̂ͦ͌ͬ͑͌ͦ̆̄ͮ̃̇̒̎͊̚͠͝ͅͅw̵̡̥̯̯͚ͬ͊ͩͮ̿͑̒͒̃ͦ̈́̅ḩ̶̹̜̙̣͔̟̤̺̗͚͕̮̲͎͖͕ͭ̿̿ͤ͒̐͆ͮO̶̡̝̩̻̼͙̱̝ͮͣ̓̒̅ͩͥ̅͆̀̀̃͊̾̊ͣ̄̕͢͝ͅ ̵̸̨̡̣̗̫̪͇̤͉̲̠ͮ̈̑̍ͩ́͂͆̊ͨ̈̃̀̋̈ͧ͒́̚f̡̤͕͕̪̻̗͖̟̪͓͚̗̣̏ͣͪ͗̏̃͒̉̎͛̿̎ͩ͑̔̅͞ͅË̶̡̗̥͍̥̲̪̌̊̍̎͒̊͛̂́̋͒̈̏̾ͭ͊̚͞͝L̞͚̺͓̣̟͊̎̓̒͊͊ͬͮͫ͋̋͋̇͐̌͑̑ͣ́͠͡l̸͇̭̪̳̦͕̠̻̐ͫͤͭ͂̈͂̂ͤ͆ͣ́͠ ̶͓͕̳̫̤̆̀̊ͥ͐̾ͫ̋ͨͦ͘f̴̴̳̝̮͕̫̻̠̳̞̜̤̖̮̻̳̩̩̟ͪ̇͂ͥ́ͯ́̂̂̏̔ͮ͒ͭ͛ͦͥ̚͟ͅr̷̦͚̺̖͉̼̮͉̃ͣ̀̓͒̾̊̚͜Öͥ̈́͊̈҉̯̲͓͈̥͉̠̙̞̟̭̻͚̟͢͡ͅͅM̢̱̭̦̠̞̮ͣ́̐̐͊̑͐̏̓ͫ̑ͪ̌̓ͮ͘͟ ͂͌͑̽̈́͘͞͏̫͈̫̪̻͓̜͖͈͍͡ḩ̷͚̭̦̜̻͓̱̥̰͚͓̥̎̇̒̂ͬ̕Ę̷͂ͭ̋̆҉̭̜͇̣̹̙̩̰̞̳̞̮̻̬͔̠̣͟R̨̧̪̤̞̩͕͖̖͚̣̱ͭͬ͆̀̇̋̊͛̈́͌ͬ ̙̟͇͓̲͎̱̱̰̘̍ͭ̀͌̅͌͑ͤͪ͋̆ͬ̇̏̔͊͂̔͘͘r̸̴ͧ̃̔ͥ͆͌͐ͥ̈́ͩ̃̋̏̉ͭ͂̚͠҉͙͇͓͇͇̙͕̼̝̫͓̫͔e̸̸̻͖͙̮̅͋́ͨ̂̍͌̓ͨ́A̸̓͆ͦͤ͛̌͗͌ͬ̄͜͜҉̷̫̟̪̦̗͍͕͔̟̪̰̮l̸̸̴̘̰̹̥̣̱̳̾ͪ̾̽͌ͧ͒̊̔̌͆̇̊̈̀͠m̛̗̤̱̮̔̌͆̚͘͡ ̸̧̝̭̟̖͕͙͎͈̦̲͍͙̠̯̣̱̦̀̓͆̑͛͌̎̋̅ͥ͊͑̿ͫ͑͂͢͝͝ͅA̵̢͉̞̲̭͔̲͎̰̎ͣ͋͋̓ͩͬ̓ͪ̒͆ͥ̔ͣ̍̈́̀͜͟Ņ̛̘̭͈̱͆ͨͭ̉ͤ̐̒ͭ͌̑̆́̊ͣ̚d̴̡̡͚͚̱̯̎ͣ̐̒͐ͤ̌͋̓̓ͯ͠ ̢͔̭͉̻̤̪͕̪̠̝̭̼͖̖̳̲̇͆̆c̢͍̖̹̆ͬ̍͆̾ͧͦ̐̇͢͠o͕̦͙͍̘̖̖̪̱̓̑ͤͥ͌̓̓ͥ̄̅ͬ̕L̨̼̘̭̟͗̃̄̑Į̷̧̩̗͚̲̰̩̭̣̗̣̯̰͎̜͕̲̟͓̑ͧ͊ͭ̅̈́̇̎ͩ̂ͥͦ́͝ͅD̸̛̲̥̹̼̺̤̪̄ͦͦ͌͆̇̇͒̅ͫ̍̅͐͑̀́́ͣẽ̡̩̦̘͚̮̣̼̗̦͉̠͍̝̂̃̊ͦ̄̌ͦ̅ͨͨͨ̌͗͊ͧ̾̀͢͟͝ď̫͉͈̗̥͇̝͕̼̠̼̜͒̈̇̈ͥ̚͟ ͖̪̟̦͍̩̪̲̤̪̹͕͎̃̄̀ͤ͌ͪ͋ͨ̋̈́͆̽̂́̐ͩ̽̒͠͠ͅw̧͈̩̻͕̮̘̬͍̠̤̺̺̩̅̔̊͋̒̒̈ͦ͊ͤͬͪ́i͍̼̙̱͕̥̼͙͍͔͚̔̈́ͩ̉͆̇͛͆̋͠͞͝ͅt̶͖̱͇̘͖̙͙̺͕͙̤̺̙̦͇ͧ̉̈́̽́͗͋̂ͪ̚ͅh̵̷̢̨̼̲̜͙̦̱̙̭̯̟̠̠͎͈͍͖̬͍ͫ̇ͨ̃̃̾̾ͥ́̈ͫ̀́ͅ ̷̡̛̰̭̦͇̫̗̭̗̫̼̠͌ͯ̓͌ͥͣ̾̾ͧ̆̐͋ͬ̆͛͡A̦̙͔̮̪͎̜͚̞̓̐͌̎͐ͯ͆̅̇̿͛ͤͧ̈͑̿ͭ̿̀͝Ṇ̷͖͚̬͙̖̃ͧ̿ͬ̉ͭ̎̓ͮ̿ͧ͐͌̌̀́͡ŏ̧̉͋ͫ҉̵̟͇͓͝t̼̝͔̗͓ͣ͑̉̽̊̃ͬ̈̅͗̈̅͟͝h̢ͫ̈́̎̍͂̑͘͘͝͏̘̪͕͎̼E̶̶͉̼̺̗͋ͩ͊̎͒͛́̐͘R̸̡̳̙͎̪̠͖̠͉̝̹̞̘̺̯̦̝̓ͭͩ̊ͫͮ͑̈́ͪ͑͗ͧ̄̅̏̉ͬͦͣ̕͟͠ͅ ̢̾̉̔̑ͩ̿͋͡͞͏̝̺̗̟͔̱̥͈̗̣͖̗̞̘͔͎͠ͅͅͅư̵͎̖͓̘̦̦̫̱̬̫̥͎͕̼̹̜̜ͫͬ̊ͭ̄͂͐̔̑ͬ̿́͆N̸͙̰̖̙̳̉͌̂͂̽̒̾ͨͥ͟͠Ĭ̷̵̴̛̳̠͕͖̿͐̏̏̀ͤ̿͋̿̚͘v̴̴̨̮͖̟̳̻̝͙͇ͣ̔ͬͤ͐͂̉̔ͯ̏̀ͬE͔̫̝̹͓̙̫̭̳͔͇̱͗̓̉͐ͦͭ̕͟͝R̴̢̤̰̞̺̠̦̺̫̘̝̩͔̊ͪ͒́̌͘͡ͅS̨̼̯̳̏ͮͭ̿ͣ͗̒̀͒Ę̢͗̉̈ͦ͏̘͍̲̦̟͖̲̼̯̙̱̞͙̭͍͈͉̤ ̠͇̖͔̱͖͖̝͍̫̤̺̐ͤ͆̐̌͒ͯ̽ͩ̑͗̏̐ͮ̐͢͜c̴̛̭̣̻͎̭̬͇̣̹̮͙͈̳͓͈͍͕̭͌̑́͌͐̔ͪͯ̊͢ͅa̾͌̾ͭ͛͌͐̄ͪ̊̊ͫ͛̚͏̷̫̮̯̼̠͙͍̞̮̹ͅͅu̷̬̗͇̜̠͕̞̦̗̣͚̺͍̞͉ͨ̽ͧͬ̈̃ͩͧ͆̾͆̌ͬ͗͆͟͜͞͡ͅs̡̮̤̣̟̮̓̎͑́ͬͩͤͧ̂ͨ̓ͭͬ̂̿̊ͬ͠ͅỈ̶̡̢̖͕̤̱͙̘͈̗̜͍̤̻̫̠͚͇͊̐̽ͭ̎͋ͥ̽͆ͭ̑ͯ̀͌ͭ͜͞N̶̨̛̫̯͕̝͙̉̅̒̈́̾̉͌͡g̞͍̟͎̹̰̜͙̻̩̭ͯ̈́̑̇̒ͦ͂̑ͧ̃͌͆̈́ͩ́͟͟͝ ̢̨̩̝̘̠̣̙̥̠̮͓̹̠̠̞̣͇̩͚̮̑͂̐̑͛ͦ̊̉͑ͯ̀͝E̪͚̻͕̻̝̠̗̼̝ͤͦͬͨ͘͡͡͠Ẍ̴̜̲͎̜͖͔́̎͊ͩ̆̌͞p͑͗͊̏ͮ̓ͣ҉͏҉̝͉̪̰͕͎̫̼̝͞l̷̤͕͓̦̬͍̤̬͕̮͎̊͐͂ͯͪ̏̓ͣ͜Ö́̾̂̔͏̥̼̼̯͇̖̹̰̺̬̫̠̠́͜͜͝S̶̡̤̮̱̮̝̥̦̯̜̞̖̤̩̺̮̙͈̬̽̂̅͑̐̏ͤ̆͆͞͞͝I̴̪̠̫̝̫͉̞͔̻ͤ͐͐ͣ̎̋̅ͣ̍̿̓ͨ̑̊̀́̕͡ō̡̆̿̓ͨ͊̀̍̔̍̔͆̉͐̐̽͏̱̼̭̬ń̸̪͇̤̥͚̥͍̯̮̘ͨͦ́̐̌ ̇ͦ͗̾̅͒̓ͫ͒̒͐͐̇ͭͮͭ̀̚̕͏̛̙̜̖̩̜͈̳̭͉̻̫͙͜͡t̡̜͚͎͈̼͍̭̫̤̣̮̥͕̻̄ͪ͑̉̋̿ͪ̈ͤͮ̉̎͂ͬ͊̏͒͟ḣ̶̢̡̦̭͇̟͙̦͍̽͑ͬ̽ͬ̿̉̅ͮ̾̄̓̌̈́ͮ͊̕͢Ą̧̹̺̪̜͕̙̺̦̣ͬ̈ͦ̒ͣ̉ͪ͂̓̓̌̅ͧ̎ͭͪ̐͝T̛̮͔͙̟̰ͭͥ͒̀̇ͣ̓̽̃ͦ̀͛̅͌ͦ̇͞ ̵͈̥̞̝̮̝̝̺̳͍͙̭̺͍͒ͬ̓ͦͯ͌̍ͮͧ̓̐̆́c̸̨̖̺̝̻̻̹̲̫̺̪̙̹̜͖̈́̍͊̾̍̊ͭ̈́ͤͫ̾̉ͩ͞r͚̺͉̬͚̬̊̓̔̔̀̕Ẻ͔̳͕̗̹̬͕̠͎͓̤͎͚̹̋ͪ́̀͡A̷̢̳̮̬͓͊ͪ̊͌͗ͫͨͯ̽͗͗̃̆͢͟T̡͗ͭͤͫ͊̍̎̇̏͒̑ͭ̓ͤ҉͈̳̘͙e̶̶̪̪̮̫̗̙͈̜̟̯̭̯̗̫̯ͮ̓ͥ̓̑̂ͧ̿ͫ͆̆́̓̀ͤ̀͢d̼̯̠̗̩̲̖͔̿͆ͪ̍ͤͤ̏ͪ͛͢͝͞ ̵̸̷̙̻̙̥͍͇͚͈̹̖̬̊̍̽̇͂̿͊ͯ̚͠ͅŌ̗̫̖̞͒͑͆̌ͧ̃͗ͪͯ́ͨͩ͛̐ͦ͂̃͡͠Ü̸̷̗̱͔͕̹̬͕̃͌͊̿ͦͩ̂̇̔ͥͤͮ́͡Ȓ̵͚̦͕͙͙͍̫̼̪̰̖̮̈́ͬ͗̒̑̔̾͞ ̡̛͕̠̯̪̩̺̼͍̙͎̬͙ͤ̒̓ͭͮ͋̌̽͆̒ͩ̉ͫ̇ͅŬ̪̞̯̩͓̤͉̥̥̻̙̐͌ͨ̑̌̅̓ͦͭ̀ͪ̍̍̿̄̆́̕N̷͖̙̣̟̊̽ͪ͊̆͆̋ͪ̊͢i̢ͪ̑ͧ͊̒̂͌̍͆ͬ̐ͦ̿ͪ̆͌ͨ̋͏͍͓͓͔̲̼̞̯̱̗̜̙͍͝͝͞v̧̀͌ͬ͛̄̓̈͊̒͛̀ͯ͗̄ͩ̌̀͞҉͈͇̝͚͎Ȅͩͯ̓҉̟͉͔̦̦͎̗̳̗̦̣̱͈͓̥̳̱͜͡ͅR̵̨͍̻̻͎͖̣̠͚̙͕͍̜̜͖̺͙̝̺̩ͥ͂̆͂ͣ͠͡s̶̵͓̣͉̟͕͍̹̬͓̘̫͍̺̬̠̱͚̑ͥ̎͂eͮ͆̀̓ͣ͗̚͟͠͏̗̮̭͍͍̯̱ͅ

*hangs head in shame* I made an OC who’s bigger than Jesus.

[gayboymint]

per anon’s request

i’m so hecking done with these idiots

[shrubwich]

can i just say how much i love this blog and all the posts about my fav shitty tree man

MY PEOPLE! I HAVE FOUND YOU!

[shrubwich]

I was just going to try doing a headshot of a young Magwich based on his actual facial structure, rather than just spitballin’ it.

And then my hand slipped and this happened.

It made me happy for a second, but then I thought about it. And then I was sad.

But yeah. Head-canon that Magwich was irresponsibly young when Dickens recruited him. I justify it with the fact that Jack was only 19 when he got shanghaied... and that Dickens was for-actually banging an 18-year-old actress when he was around 40 (and probably divorced his wife--in the 1850s--for her). Dickens likes them on the young side, is all I’m sayin’. Ain’t no one give me a reason for why Magwich was chosen to be an apprentice, this is the conclusion I gotsta make.

Not sure how he ended up aging so much, since he probably spent more time in the Archipelago than not, buuuut... let’s say that aging is nuts there, and it’s not just that time moves slower. I like to think your mindset has something to do with it (whiiich I’m sure has been disproved in the last 1-1/2 books), like your aging will speed up if you lose all meaning in your life. Y’know, like if you get dumped by your mentor of [x] years and stranded in coo-coo-bananas magic land with no way of returning to whatever life you once had. Something like that. For example. (Seriously, can we at least all agree that that was a fucking dick move?)

(And wait-- how did Bug age normally? He wasn’t secretly 700 years old, he was 20-ish, right? Is it an Avalon thing? What even with this universe.) 

Anyway. I always worry about “bishifying” characters who, well, let’s be honest here: probably have “great personalities”; that’s part of what I like about them in the first place. But age can do some weird shit to a face, man. I mean. Figure A:

So if that’s what Clive Jr looked like before his face started to melt, ain’t no one can say I can’t have me a cute and attractive-in-a-weird-sort-of-way Mag Jr.

(Side note: the best thing about scanning your art? You suddenly notice AAALLL the glaring problems. His legs don’t line up with his upper torso, dammit. Look forward to fixing that.)

[allison-laheys]

[shrubwich]

Oh hey, it’s Mag’s Hungarian cousin! Complete with weird mustache!

[shrubwich]

Always Sunny AU v2

Alrightalrightalright. Got some updates.

Aven? I know what to do with her. See, she’s spent so much time being this total badass pirate queen that she’s become grossly overconfident in her ability to do anything, so when she goes to visit Normal Land... bad things happen. Yeah, sure, you can totally drive a car even though this is your first time seeing one. At one point she’s bested by Tetris and becomes consumed with practicing until she becomes the unchallenged Queen of Tetris.

I actually don’t really know what to do with Bert, so I think I’m going to give his previously allocated Frankish role over to Magwich, because I can actually come up with a justification for that. See, he’s spent about a full century being everybody’s bitch, so now that he’s been allowed the freedom to go back to the “real world” (as he calls it), he’s gonna go coo-coo-bananas with it to make up for lost time. He starts hanging out with the punk rock crowd, wearin’ leather jackets and being anti-establishment, and they think he’s the dog’s bollocks because he’s, like, been through shit. Of course, the Gang thinks it’s the dumbest thing ever, and ridicule him mercilessly for it. And no one questions why he’s even still hanging out with them. (It’s because he’s emotionally dependent.)

And Cheezums Christ, think of all the awful things I could do with the rest of this cast of thousands. Doyle and Houdini getting into scrapes, Tesla with his pigeons and his death rays and his crippling OCD, Lovecraft trying to function in the modern world. Oh-- those two can be like the McPoyles.

And at some point the Caretakers are gonna have to squash the beef with the Cabal (they’re definitely going to burn to death).

[shrubwich]

The Search for The Search for The Red Dragon continues.

So far, I’ve found 1, 3, 4, and 5, along with 7 which I just got.

This is maddening.

Look, universe, all I’m looking for is some Greenwich, and neither the internet nor my library of coloring books can provide. I gotsta have my ‘wich, you know that!

[shrubwich]

Oh no, I’m rewriting folk songs to be about weird ships that I invented. This is filk. I’m filking! I’m a filker!

[shrubwich]

I like to think that the reason Dickens chose Magwich as his (first?*) apprentice was because he had a Gentleman’s Bet™ going with some other Caretaker(s) and the whole apprenticeship was just Dickens trying to My Fair Lady him.

And when that didn’t work, he went and chose the polar opposite of Magwich. Which worked out great.

(*I have no idea what order Magwich and Burton came in. At one point someone--Dickens?-- says “First Burton, then Magwich...”, but I also remember another quote that occurs somewhere at some point, where it’s implied that Magwich was the first. Plus, didn’t the Cartographer first assume Magwich when someone mentioned “Dickens’ apprentice”, or was that just me having another stroke?)

[shrubwich]

When you need to imagine good things happening for fictional characters in order to feel better. The Germans gotta have some kind of word for that, right?

So you can imagine (or not) my glee when this song didn’t need to be hamfisted into fitting with (my idea of) Magwich. Dammit, I just want one scene where he finally snaps and calls out the way everyone judges him (despite barely knowing him) and it’s not played for laughs. And maybe some people actually listen. Ah, I can dream.

Half a gold star for guessing the first name of who I’ve cast as the “he” (and other half of “we”) in the song. Full star for the last name.

And it's my whole heart, Weighed and measured inside. And it's an old scar, Trying to bleach it off. And it's my whole heart, Deemed and delivered a crime, I'm on trial, waiting till the beat comes out, I'm on trial, waiting till the beat comes out. Who’s a heretic now? Am I making sense? How can you make it stick? Waiting till the beat comes out, Who’s a heretic, child? Can you make it stick, Now that I’m on trial, Waiting till the beat comes out. I’m miles away, He’s on my mind, I’m getting tired, Of crawling all the way. And I’ve had enough, It’s obvious, And I’m getting tired, Of crawling all the way. Crawling all the way, Crawling all the way. I’m not beat up on this yet, You can’t tell me to regret, Been in the dark since the day we met, Fire, help me to forget. x2

And it’s my whole heart, While tried and tested, it’s mine, And it’s my whole heart, Trying to reach it out. And it’s my whole heart, Burned but not buried this time, I’m on trial, waiting till the beat comes out, I’m on trial, waiting till the beat comes out. I’m miles away, He’s on my mind, I’m getting tired, Of crawling all the way. And I’ve had enough, It’s obvious, And I’m getting tired, Of crawling all the way. I’m not beat up on this yet, You can’t tell me to regret, Been in the dark since the day we met, Fire, help me to forget. x2

Chained and shackled, oh, All unraveled, oh, It's a pity, oh. Never to return, But I never learn, It's a pity, oh. x2