Misplaced Lens Cap
@theartofmadeline
ellievsbear
izzy's playlists!
No title available
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Kaledo Art
NASA
Game of Thrones Daily
roma★
Show & Tell
No title available
Cosmic Funnies
Love Begins
hello vonnie
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
styofa doing anything
Peter Solarz
tannertan36
Jules of Nature
seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Canada
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Lithuania
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from Japan
seen from Maldives
@shufflingforward-blog
Random Confession
I was in a sorority for my first 4 years of college.
Looking back on it, I wish I had never done it. I wasted so much money to hang out with people I didn't like, to be allowed to go to socials that I never went to, and to be mistreated by my "sisters."
That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Why I'm Not Even Thinking About Thinking About Having Kids
My husband and I have been together since November 11, 2008, and the past 5 years, 11 months, and 11 days have been absolutely noteworthy. We've been married since May 5, 2013, and the past 1 year, 5 months, and 17 days when I have been able to call Caleb my husband have been everything I expected and even more. We have laughed together, cried together, spent long nights and early mornings together, seen each other at our healthiest and our sickest, smelled the bad morning breath and witnessed the ugly morning bed head, comforted each other through unplanned emotional breakdowns, and held each other through hard times and celebrated some great times.
Now, with almost a year and a half of marriage under our belts and almost 6 years of being committed to each other, the inevitable question is asked to us almost weekly by family, friends, and strangers alike:
"So, when are you all having kids?"
I remember the first time I was asked this. It was last Christmas, when my sister in law announced that she was pregnant, and her and one of my other sister in laws revealed that they had a bet that Caleb and I would be the first of everyone to have kids. We all kind of laughed, my cheeks got red with embarrassment, and then, it happened, "So, when DO you all think you will have kids?"
Hold up, sister. Just stop right there.
I should have known that it was coming soon.
I stuttered for a second. My heart raced, my hands got sweaty, and my mouth was instantly dry. I forced a laugh and mumbled, "Oh, I don't know."
I should have thought about what my response was going to be the first time that someone asked me.
But I didn't.
Why, you ask?
There are so many reasons why I have no clear, direct answer when someone says, "When are you having kids?"
My mother in law is the worst about it. When she saw the apartment that we moved into in May, her first response was, "That's not big enough for you to have kids in." Well duh. I told her, "We aren't having kids in this apartment." She rebutted, "So, you'll live here for a year, and when your lease is up you'll get something bigger for the baby?" I pushed back tears, squeezed Caleb's arm, and let him take over. The comments have increased and it comes up from her alone on a monthly basis. And while I am so incredibly flattered that she considers me worthy of giving birth to her grandkids, I am still repulsed every time it comes up in conversation.
First off, I would like to point out how utterly hideous of a question I think this is. Reasons?
1) It's a quite personal question. Where have people's manners gone these days? Think of what is really underneath it all...you might as well say, "When do you plan to start having unprotected sex with the intention of turning one of your eggs into an embryo to eventually be birthed into a full sized human baby?"
Maybe if people had to say it as bluntly as they meant it, it would be a topic that was mentioned much less often and not taken as lightly. What my husband and I do in the bedroom (or what we don't do in the bedroom) is nobody's business besides ours and my gynecologist's on my yearly checkup to decide if I want to renew my prescription for my birth control. It is the most intimate area of my life, the one thing I share with Caleb and Caleb only, and what goes on behind closed doors is going to stay behind closed doors.
2) Beyond the thought of it being a personal question, the person asking it probably has no idea what is going on inside either of our bodies. What if one of us were infertile? My mother, her sisters, her mother, and my dads mother and my dads sister all had at least one miscarriage, so the chances of me having one are actually pretty large. What if we already were trying to get pregnant, and I had gotten pregnant, and I miscarried? What if that had already happened 3 times? Someone asking that question probably would not have the slightest idea that we were going through that, and they would be rubbing salt in an open wound.
3) What if we hated kids? My husband and I don't hate them, but there are people who do. We always say that we don't hate kids, we hate parents that don't do their jobs, but I am completely aware that there are people out there who just automatically hate anything under the age of 16 and don't want to make eye contact with them or acknowledge their existence.
Beyond the reasons why I hate this question, however, is my reasoning behind why I don't have a sensible, tangible answer at this point in our lives.
For starters, Caleb and I are very young. My mom had my brother at 32 and me when she was 35, and that was considered ancient at the time. But now, there are women in their 60's having babies. 50 is the new 35 when it comes to child bearing. Caleb is 23 and I'll be 23 in December. We are still in the prime of our 20's, the years where we can be wildly selfish, go out for an impromptu dinner, stay up as late as we want on Friday drinking wine and eating cheese and sleep in on Saturday with no worries of anything stopping us from doing so. We don't have a lot of responsibilities outside of school and work and our dog and cat, and that's the way we like it right now. We like being able to have a little too much wine, to lay in bed and talk and laugh as loud as we want without hearing a baby cry down the hall, or crank up our music loud enough to hear it throughout the whole apartment but just low enough so our next-door neighbors don't complain. We can rent movies with a lot of loud noises without worrying about waking the kids up and I can take the dog outside to go to the bathroom without having to bundle up a kid to carry on my hip while Kora takes her sweet time finding the perfect spot to go.
Secondly, we are mature enough to admit that we are at an age where we want to be able to do whatever we want without anything or anyone inhibiting our decisions. Bringing a baby into the picture would change everything. Everything would be centered around what the baby needed and not around each others' needs. We love having the ability to just be with each other, to nurture and grow our marriage, and to grow in Christ together. We love being able to make things about each other every minute of the day without having to throw a whole other human into the mix.
And lastly, God's timing is everything. I am a full believer that, while we can make plans, and track when I am ovulating and crunch numbers about when we will be able to afford a child and start saving for their college fund, that God's got the upper hand on all of this. If He thought that Caleb and I were ready for a kid, I think He would've allowed me to get pregnant by now. While birth control is a great way of trying to control it, I trust in God more than anything because heck, He got Mary pregnant before she even though of raising her dress.
So, that my friends, is why we aren't even thinking about thinking about getting pregnant right now. And maybe, someday, we will think about thinking about it long enough that we can start to talk about talking more about it. But until then, I will do what I can not to put my business in everyone else's mouths, and for all you know, my "pregnancy" announcement on social media may even be a picture of my holding my firstborn. Because pregnancy is personal.
they aren’t even trying anymore, are they
WELL THIS EXPLAINS IT(x)
I saw a TV spot for the new movie and “All of Me” by John Legend was playing in the background. I couldn’t help think that was the only way a poc could be involved in a Nicholas Sparks movie.
I am the worst at blogging. I have no time for it even though I have a lot of deep thoughts and stuff that could be recorded on here...
School is back in full swing, and I am stressed. Who is with me?
On July 28th, the University of Louisville lost one of their beloved cheerleaders, Danielle (Dani) Cogswell. Found dead in a close to campus apartment complex, Cogswell's death rocked the University's community and cheerleading teams.
An outpouring of support for her family, friends of teammates immediately blew up on social media. Nothing but good things were said about her - her bubbly personality, go with the flow attitude and overall love for life were hilighted in every post written about her. Not only was she loved as a person, she was a highly notable athlete in the cheerleading world. According to UofL's coach, she was easily one of the best athletes in the industry. Instagram and Twitter showed pictures and videos of Dani performing different cheerleading stunts and tumbling routines. She transferred to UofL this past year and also cheered for Gym Tyme.
The coroner's report revealing the reason for Cogswell's death was released yesterday, stating the following: "Cogswell died from an overdose of heroin, amphetamines and Xanax." They believe this to be an accidental suicide. (http://www.kltv.com/story/26400274/uofl-cheerleaders-to-be-tested-after-heroin-overdose)
While this makes the situation even more saddening, it didn't surprise me - or many people, for that matter. How else could an otherwise healthy woman suddenly die in her apartment?
According to Wave 3 News, cheerleaders are not subject to randomized drug testing like the rest of NCAA athletes because it's not an NCAA sponsored sport. (http://www.wave3.com/story/26168588/uofl-cheerleaders-not-included-in-randomized-drug-testing). While they have access to all programs that the athletes receive and also go through drug and alcohol orientation each year, they do not get tested like the other athletes at the school.
University of Louisville released a statement confirming that cheerleaders will now be subject to randomized drug testing as a result of Cogswell's death. (http://www.kltv.com/story/26400274/uofl-cheerleaders-to-be-tested-after-heroin-overdose)
Forget the drug testing. Forget the obvious tragedy of her death for a moment, and think about the reasoning behind it. Why would a cheerleader take part in drug usage?
University of Louisville's cheerleading team has been national champions for 9 of the past 16 years, so obviously they are top of the top, best of the best. People come from all over to join the team, and it's considered an honor to make it. But how do they maintain their GPA, go to workouts, eat right, travel the country, and still have time to sleep? Are they turning to drugs to keep themselves awake?
I highly respect cheerleading as a sport. I respect their ability to maintain their energy level, do crazy stunts and throw their bodies into flips. They are overworked and under appreciated.
I also have no doubt in my mind that Dani Cogswell is the only elite cheerleader that has ever used illegal substances in her life. I don't think she was trying to kill herself, either. I truly believe it was an accidental suicide.
But I think what really needs to be examined here is the reasoning behind why she was using the drugs. Are college athletes pushed too hard? They are supposed to be in school to get a degree, not to be an athlete, and they are held to almost impossible standards.
Condolences out to the entire cheerleading community, and I hope that this is seen by all as something to evaluate by coaches and athletes everywhere.
To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.
Pearl S. Buck (via observando)
Arizona storm chasing;
Mike Olbinski
some of you look like angels and it’s really weird to imagine you just sitting there blogging
Keegan Allen is the best
how all guys should react if a girl doesn’t want to.
how all girls should react if a guy doesn’t want to.
how anyone should react to anyone that doesn’t want to
Still waiting for someone to tell me what this is from.
Watch it in video
Follow our Tumblr - Like us on Facebook
Loneliness
In this blog, I've talked a lot about school, my husband, moving, and just day to day life problems. When I first started this blog, I had no idea where I was going with it, and I honestly still have no idea. I log in from time to time and reblog a few random things just in case I have a few followers that care about me and care to know that I am alive, but who am I kidding? I am horrible at making friends - real life friends, casual friends, acquaintances, or Internet friends. I don't know how someone who has a seemingly boring and somewhat abnormal life like me can gain even one follower on tumblr, but for the few of you that I have, I am very grateful. This is something I need to get off my chest though. I may delete it later.
When I was growing up, I used to pull out my eyelashes. I would do it whenever I felt sad, upset, anxious or maybe even bored. I won't ever forget the day that my father first noticed it at the dinner table. I was passing him the bowl of peas, and he said, "Jenna, look at me." So I did. His eyes widened, and he said "What happened to your eyelashes?" I told him that I pulled them out. My parents both gave me a hard time about it for months, poking fun at me, laughing, or saying "Don't do that again, it makes you look scary." I still did it for a while, but eventually I stopped because I couldn't take the teasing from my parents and brother anymore.
Maybe my family just thought that I was weird. Maybe they thought it was somewhat normal for kids to do stuff like that - I don't really know, but I wish that they had read a little further into the situation and gotten me some kind of help. I don't know what would have helped me and my little 6 year old mind, but I needed it.
It was the start of a slippery slope for me.
I moved from pulling out my eyelashes, to poking myself with pencils at school until I bled, to snapping a hair rubber band on my wrist, and eventually that progressed into more serious self harm. My entire life I have battled depression, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, grumpiness, and any other word you can think of for "depression". A classic case, the kind where you don't want to get out of bed in the morning because it just doesn't seem worth it. For years, I felt like the lady on that commercial for an anti depression medication; the one that starts out with a hazy colored lens and the woman laying in a bed with white sheets, and a solemn voice starts out saying "Depression hurts...all over."
Yeah, no kidding it hurts. It's a kind of pain that I could never describe, something I feel deep in my muscles and my bones, something that makes my limbs heavy with concrete. Nothing can give me the energy that I need to get through the day.
I learned to live with it and deal with it, and by the end of high school and the beginning of college, I can honestly say that I was doing okay. I had learned to balance everything in my life, I was learning to deal with the anxiousness that I felt every morning, and I was in a happy, healthy relationship with my now husband. There were still days where I felt sad for no reason, there were still times that I just stood in the shower and cried, but it wasn't very often and it wasn't anything like it had been before. I thought that I had sort of hit the "valley" of my mental illness, that I had already seen the lowest of lows, and that from then on out, nothing could get any worse, only better.
As you may know if you've read my blog, I got married last year. I spent a lot of the first year of marriage dealing with highs and lows, and I always blamed it on whatever I was dealing with with my husband that day. I would say that I was upset because he left he kitchen a mess, or angry because he left his dirty underwear on the floor (again!), or anything related to that nature.
After we moved, I had a couple really good weeks. I felt better. We were living in a safer area of town, finally had some of the modern amenities that I had really missed having (central A/C, dishwasher, etc.), and the building wasn't 200 years old and caked up with mold and dirt.
Lately though, I've felt the depression coming back. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and some days I turn off my alarm and go back to sleep because I can. Part of that is probably related to the fact that my job sucks and has cut my hours to the point of only working two short days a week, and I've spent way too much time inside doing nothing but jigsaw puzzles and cleaning my apartment. I've not really been a a person to sleep past 8:30 a.m. because I would tell myself that there was so much to live for, and I should get up and see this wonderful world we live in and experience life. Now I'm sleeping until 10 a.m. or later, spending all day watching Netflix, and only going outside when I need to take my dog to go out to the bathroom.
I've been in this funk for over a month now, really ever since I got back from Colorado. Before this, it would last a day or two and go away, but this is the most extreme episode I have had since I was 14 years old. I've never felt it this way though, like nothing I can do will make me feel better. I used to be able to distract myself from the pain, but I can't anymore. I've tried taking walks (I took two 1.5 mile walks yesterday), going to the craft store to see if that will perk me up, or anything I can think of just to get out.
I don't know what would help me. I don't have many friends, and the ones that I do have aren't people that I can talk to. My closest friend (the only person I feel like I can talk to) is all the way across the world studying abroad in New Zealand, and that's really inconvenient for me right now, and I don't want to inconvenience her with my issues.
I've tried talking to my husband, but it's hard. It's hard to show my weakness and love him the way that he needs to be loved and be a good wife all at once. I feel so helpless, so sad, so confused...so lonely.
