inside thoughts

Just random thoughts.

[si-lee-me]

bio, I guess

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I guess people have bios pinned. So:

Name: Lee

Pronouns: He/him

Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints against all odds

Not in a cult

ENTP Sp/So 6w7 693

Wants to be a lawyer one day

loves reading, writing, and music

Favorite band: AJR (don’t judgeeee)

Favorite solo musician: Kendrick Lamar

Fandoms: MCU and Inheritance Games and now Heated Rivalry

Prefers to write short form: poems and songs (I’ll write you a poem if you request it!)

Philosophy major 💀

Is here to see if his random thoughts are deemed interesting

Thus far the experiment says no

Fanfic blog: @grainey

Former RP blog, now it’s someone else, go follow anyway: @fluorine-officall

[fadedinterstates]

I love to tell the story

TRIGGER WARNING

So, I want to start out by saying sometimes my post will have religious themes / topics. This is just how I grew up and talking sbout my journey growing up as a Queer POC in the United States.

If this is a sensitive topic for you I understand. I am also likely to talk about cancer, death, emotional abuse and trauma. Discretion is advised.

WHAT IS THE STORY?

The story in its abbreviated version is this. I came out to my brother at the age of fifteen while our parents were out of town. I explained to him in an email I was trans. I just checked and the exact date was 9/29/2018. He was the first person I came out to offline and it speaks to how important he was to me.

His response? "I would keep that to yourself". He went into some brief specifics of how they weren't ready to deal with that and dad probably wouldn't be receptive. But he made it clear he would love me no matter what.

My brother was the only one who believed me. A few years later (I do not have a specific date) I told my mother. She just could not comprehend how the child she percieved as her youngest boy could possibly be a girl. She came up with every excuse possible. She told me (in so many words) I didn't like the right kinds of things for that to be true. Tried to insinuate it was just a phase. She might have promised to love me as well - but unfortunately it was overshadowed by the fact she didn't believe me.

I also blame myself because I simply could not muster the courage to "say it with my chest". I was so terrified I struggled to look mom in the eyes. I mentally checked-out (disassociated) so hard I was not entirely present in the moment. I was so convinced the results would shatter my world in such an irreparable way and in some ways I was right.

I simply said (something to the affect of) "I will do what I want to do in my room and I guess that's how things will be until I move out". And that is pretty much how things have been. She never even went through the trouble of attempting to switch to gender neutral language in reference to me.

Is it bad in some ways I blame my younger self? If I had pushed the issue more when I was younger - maybe, even if they didn't believe me then, they would believe me now. But I was a very timid kid who didn't want to upset the apple-cart.

And now here I am at nearly twenty-three and I am asking myself yet again is it worth it. I still hear my mother telling me how I like sports, own replica guns, etc. How hard being a black woman (which is actually objectively a fair point). But I just don't know how I can go on like this. And its not because I'm going to do anything drastic or permanent but I just simply think (at minimum) trying to live a dual life and to please my parents is driving me.

But that's another story for another day.

[si-lee-me]

HOLY FUCK I RELATE TO YOU

I grew up Mormon. Still kinda am? Like, minus family proclamation? ANYWHO, I am terrified that my parents will be shitty. They’ve said pretty shitty stuff to me about trans people cuz they didn’t know I was one. But I totally feel you in the whole pushing it when you’re younger only to collapse on yourself—three years ago, I had posted on r/asktransgender on reddit asking whether or not my experiences are similar to those of transgender ppl because although I daydreamed of being a guy all the time, I didn’t really have dysphoria anymore. The consensus was, yes, other transgender folk have dealt with similar shit. I then posted another thing asking how to experiment with presentation when you can’t publicly do so due to parents, friends, and school.

My mom found that reddit account and fuckin REAMED me, sayin that “Just because blah blah blah doesn’t mean you’re trans” and it scared me so shitless that I didn’t use reddit for THREE FUCKIN YEARS

I’m 18 now, and the gender stuff has recently resurfaced with a vengeance now that I’m outta the house. I TOTALLY get the whole “is it even worth it?” jig especially since I sorta coped with it via maladaptive daydreaming for YEARS. Like, if I was fine then, can’t I be fine now?

The answer, I think, is no. At least for me. I’m really frickin terrified of telling my parents, but if worst comes to worst and they decide to totally disown me, I know I could find the financial help and loans to survive college. Realistically, I think my parents love their kids too much to do that. I think realistically they just will misgender me and not really GET it but also not disown me, at worst. So rn I’m working with a therapist through my school and I’m gonna try to come up with a game plan to come out to them.

BECAUSE I FEEL YOU SO BADDDD. I go home every weekend (living at college for the summer for a research program) and it’s like…being an undercover cop. Except, like, way worse. Like being an undercover cop in a gang that really, really, really hates cops. And also being a cop that has to wear dresses to church?? Idk, the metaphor is beginning to decay

anywho can we be friends-

[thenatsdorf]

Box + Cat.

[maeril]

Hi everyone! This is an illustrated guide I made as part of my co-admining work at The Middle Eastern Feminist on Facebook! It will be published there shortly.  The technique that is displayed here is a genuine one used in psychology - I forgot the name and couldn’t find it again so if you know about it, feel free to tell me! Some could say: “Yes but you can use that technique for instances of harassment other than Islamophobic attacks!”, and my reply is: Sure! Please do so, it also works for other “types” of harassment of a lone person in a public space!! However I’m focusing on protecting Muslims here, as they have been very specific targets lately, and as a French Middle Eastern woman, I wanted to try and do something to raise awareness on how to help when such things happen before our eyes - that way one cannot say they “didn’t know what to do”!  I’d like to insist on two things: 1) Do not, in any way, interact with the attacker. You must absolutely ignore them and focus entirely on the person being attacked! 2) Please make sure to always respect the wishes of the person you’re helping: whether they want you to leave quickly afterwards, or not! If you’re in a hurry escort them to a place where someone else can take over - call one of their friends, or one of yours, of if they want to, the police. It all depends on how they feel! For my fellow French-speakers: I will translate it in French and post it on my page as soon as I can :) Please don’t hesitate to share this guide as it could push a lot of people to overcome bystander syndrome!! Lots of love and stay safe! PS: I you repost this cartoon of mine on twitter or instagram, please add me in the post so I can see it, with @itsmaeril :)

[si-lee-me]

This is so helpful!! For any form of harassment, too! Please share and let’s keep our fellow humans safe <3

[homosexuality-offical]

wow, I really did take over tumblr this month. Press the button.

Not even in a Notes farming way, it’s just a pride flag

[si-lee-me]

On God and transness, from the POV of someone early in their transition

TW: mention of suicide

I feel like God put trans people on this earth to remind others how beautiful this life is. Trans joy is so deep and visceral because you don’t know how much it means to just be HAPPY, baseline HAPPY, until you live for years and years and years in darkness. You don’t know how much it matters to be able to look in the mirror and feel GOOD until you live a life of looking in the mirror and hating it. It’s so easy to take the ones who love you and support you unconditionally for granted, unless you are confronted with the fear and reality that they WON’T.

Trans people know to not take this life for granted because far too many of us have considered taking our lives.

So when people say, “God made you exactly the way you were meant to be,” and mean it with malice, I look them in the eye and say, “I agree.”

[si-lee-me]

Ykw, I’ve always wanted kids, but now that I’m transitioning I am genuinely excited.

I WANNA DO DAD THINGSSSSSS I WANNA GO TO EVERY FRICKIN GAME AND EMBARRASS MY CHILDREN AND LET MY KIDS PAINT MY NAILS AND WALK THEM DOWN THE AISLE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH THEM AND READ THEM STORIESSSS AHHHHHH

[si-lee-me]

On patriotism and the United States:

I wish more liberals waved a flag around. What is this monopoly that conservatives have on patriotism? Why have the progressives of our nation fallen prey to the false narrative that to be progressive is to be anti-American?

Tell me, what is possibly MORE American than fighting against the status quo? What is more American than actualizing the words engraved on Lady Liberty? What is more American than fighting for a world where every person has these unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

Is that not what progressives are trying to do? We just want everyone to be able to pursue their happiness without fear. Without threats of fuckass ICE hanging over their heads. Without getting a fucking CRIMINAL RECORD for going piss. Is that so radical?

Even if it is, radicalism itself is deeply American. Was it not radical to create a democratic government when it was nearly completely unheard of? What can possibly be more American than continuing despite the odds? THIS is fundamental to our country and has been since the fucking Revolutionary War. This has been in our national bloodline and we’ve seen it through the fights for women’s suffrage, African American civil rights, Stonewall, science, social justice.

I understand being ashamed of the things that the United States has done. Slavery, internment camps, genocide, oil wars, banana republics, proxy wars, unfair deportation. The list goes on and on.

But these terrible things are not what America is at its core. We should own up to them, not claim them as our own. America is not its tragedies, it is the ideals we often fail to live up to. These wrongs are not what America stands for—no, they are diseases that have plagued us since the beginning and have hidden in the hastily buried corners of our history. Part of being American is acknowledging our wrongdoing and correcting it. Doing better going forward. Progressing. Being progressive. After all, are truth and justice not deeply American values?

So when you all fight for our unalienable rights, for human dignity, for liberty, please never ever ever let someone tell you that you are anti-American.

If they are intent on preventing progress, then they are the anti-American ones.

[si-lee-me]

The gay men are so lucky to have Jonathan Bailey

[si-lee-me]

BAHAHAHA I’M TRANSITIONING NOW I AM ONE OF YOUUUUUU

wait i promise that i’m not doing this just for jonathan bailey-

[si-lee-me]

i can’tttttt i cant omggg literally crine 😭😭

[si-lee-me]

summer lovin' scream at own ass

yes

[factbot]

[despazito]

the second radish is 29 feet away

[tranarchist]

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[bard-like]

[what-even-is-thiss]

This post is ancient and stupid but I still laugh whenever I see it

[si-lee-me]

Awesome anti AI song that also manages to be pretty and poetic:

[wenchyfloozymoo]

[water---damage]

Dr. Gachey with foxglove, 1890

[dovewithscales]

Some of Van Gogh’s best work was done during a period of his life that he spent in a hospital being treated for his mental health problems. I could be wrong but I think Starry Night was among those.

This is consistently the case. Creators tend to do their best work when they are in a healthy place and receiving proper treatment and not being self destructive in their efforts to cope. Go figure.

All our experiences, good and bad, inform what we create, but suffering is not the price of great art. Suffering is what prevents artists from completing great art.

[redshoesnblueskies]

(I bring to mind this @tkingfisher / Ursula Verson quote about once a week <3)

[si-lee-me]

I need a friend named frank so i can get them a t shirt that says “to be Frank…”

[si-lee-me]

the transgenderer...?

…got me? No entiendo

[darthfalafel]

pretty much yeah

[si-lee-me]

i’ve been g̸̨̗̺̜̜̣̻̤͎̫̼̪̊̔ ̴̢͇̞͇͍̼̜͎̼̺͚̻͙̱̋̿͂̒͑̅͌͊̏̾̈̈́̒͆͜͝ō̵̩͓̦͖͚̥̼̌̈́̊̉̄̉͋̅̌̄̏̂̌͝ ̷̢̨̧̻̟̝̯̰̥̇̈́̐͒̓̇̏͒͝ẗ̶̯̼͕̍̋̓̊́̍́̑̏̈́̆͂͂͑ ̴̢̲̰͐́͌͗̄̋̑̓̋t̵̙̐̊̄̽̍̒̒̌͂̑̐͘͝ ̴̢̛̣̯͓̮͙̦̦̮͒͊́̔̏̊̌̍̔ẹ̵̖͉̖̟̳̳̖̦̤̰̪̐͜͜ͅ ̶̪̩͈̞̬̥̫͇̹͓̑͂̄̈́̅̈̃́͐̽̚ņ̶̘̩͖͙̼̤̥̇͌͑̓̔͊̽͐̃͘͝

the t̴̩̙͎̦̜̀̽̿̉͊̒̇̿̚͝ͅr̶͖̱͕͑ȁ̷̼̺̥̣̪̠̣͉̳͉̟͐͑͗͊̚n̵̘̞̠̖͕̺̫͠s̷̨̡̺͔͎̝̞̲̯̰̤͗̾̂̂̍̔̂͛͑͐g̸̨͇͚̳̦̦̳̩̼̒̋̽̄̚ḙ̵̡̯͉͇͚̭̘̉̌͝n̷̨̛̩̦͍͓̰̺͍̄̊̽̋̽̌͑̐̌̑d̵̡̢̨̨̹̲̺̞̫̮̖̯͇̂͊ͅḙ̶̛̯͈͉͚̯̞͙̲̖̜̹̲̭͇̈́̂̃̋͘͘ŗ̶̺̝̥̬̖͍͙͎̱̺͇͗̒͂̽̌̀̚͝ę̵̧͇͍̰̼̰͉̰̹̥̝̻̭̊̓̒͐̾̈́̈̾̚ȑ̷͇̳̂͜ found me

[darthfalafel]

- Statement of Jonathan Sims regarding Michael the Distortion