“it’s fine to disagree, it’s fine to push back, it’s great to have strong opinions and beliefs, but give my ideas some time to set in before you’re sure you want to argue against them. “Five minutes” represented “think”, not react. He was totally right. I came into the discussion looking to prove something, not learn something.”
I can recall really well how my cynicism started, and it’s hard for me to even think about giving it up because of how much it has helped me. I have noticed through self-evaluation that I am desperately seeking comfort from a partner, and I believe I get that from my mother. I have had two girlfriends in my life but almost 40 sexual partners. My first girlfriend cheated on me with her ex boyfriend, and dumped me and went back to dating him, and that messed me up so bad for almost 2 years. I had a lot of heartless sexual encounters in that time mostly to prove to myself that people DO want me and I needed that validation, my next girlfriend came after 4 months of fucking around, and after 2 months of actually dating she fucked my best friend and dumped me. That was almost 3 months ago and It’s been really tough. Not even over the girl this time, because I had SUCH a cynical look on it the whole time. I never fell in love with her or anything because I knew something was going to happen and across the horrible shit I said under my breath and all the times I thought I was just being an asshole to someone who actually wanted to be with me. And when she cheated on me with my best friend I thought that suspicion was confirmed.
But thinking on it now I think that my cynicism could’ve ruined that relationship for me and I am just starting the vicious cycle that everyone is talking about. I don’t know how to get over my cynical ego and I absolutely have no idea how to start trusting people again, because most definitely there were mistakes on both ends. (Matt....) One of my love-hates with my cynicism is the obsession with self-improvement it gives me. I excel in anything I determine myself to, and being “the best at what I do, and only doing what I want.” in my own words, I excel in my career, have a booming social life, and have been sexually active since I knew what a boner was for at age 14. I just have a terrible demon following and it hurts me and the people that care about me very often.
I mostly just think about how no one really cares about the seething mass of cynical hatred they left behind. No one even sees what I see in the mirror because no one else cares about it, I have no idea how to kill the cynicism in my life and it’s making me a hypocritical douchebag that’s more ending up more alone every day
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