Sigma/Sigmach | 27 yo | artist/writer | eldritch chthonic being | videogames, sci-fi, DnD | English is not my native language, sorry for mistakes | welcome to my box
The brown earth, the torn, blasted earth, with a greasy shine under the sun's rays; the earth is the background of this restless, gloomy world of automatons, our gasping is the scratching of a quill, our lips are dry, our heads are debauched with stupor--thus we stagger forward...
i've finished reading "all quiet on the western front" and i'm tired of pretending it didn't affect me
non-writers will never understand the mental illness of writing an entire conversation in your head while doing dishes and then forgetting every word the second you open a blank doc
I am a writer. Not a content-producing machine.
I am a writer. Not a content-producing machine.
I am a writer. Not a content-producing machine.
It’s okay if I don’t have time to write.
It’s okay if a chapter is delayed.
It’s okay if my words come out messy.
It’s okay if I need to take a break.
It’s okay if I don’t update every week, every month, or even every year.
My value as a writer is not measured by how fast I post.
My worth is not defined by kudos, bookmarks, or comments.
I am allowed to be slow.
I am allowed to rest.
I am allowed to write for joy, not for an algorithm.
Did you know that the Owlcat Games has left an easter egg in the Rogue Trader?
The organ in Lord captain's chambers can play 3 melodies. The first is organ version of "Semper Serviеntes" of the game's main menu, and the other two melodies you'll easily recognize if you have played the Owlcat's previous games: they are organ versions of the main themes of Pathfinder Kingmaker and Pathfinder Whath of the Righteous!
My Thoughts on the Gohrman Massacre (Andor 2x08 "Who Are You?")
I needed a few to gather my thoughts because even though I knew what was coming and, in general, I can sympathize but not immerse myself in fiction, this episode of Andor hit too close to home. Much more than I thought it would. It triggered me. This was more than caring for what was happening to dear fictional characters, this was personal and real.
Because I couldn't stop thinking how in over the last 25 years, I've lived something similar, over and over again. Maybe not at the same scale, but always with the same heartbreaking ending. How many times I've been horrified watching the news, listening about people dying in a pacific protest that "somehow" turned violent. How always the blame fell on the protestors, and never on those who should've been protecting them. How a gathering in a plaza where people chanted, sang the national anthem, yelled their grievances with the government ended up being a massacre because a group of adepts of the ruling party came by and starting shooting (can anyone guess where they get the guns from?)
Watching Wilmon's girlfriend asking for help on the radio, I could see all my country mates and myself in her, in her desperation, screaming to the void for help and nobody comes to the aid. It's so real, it showed how often outsiders hide behind politics and diplomacy when they're not the ones drowning in the bloody mess.
This show has always been as down-to-the-earth as it gets, but this season, and especially this episode, art imitated life to a horrifying degree.
I know my country is not the only one that has experienced things like this, it's not new when there's always people capable of anything for keeping power. Fascists, dictators, power-hungry people that won't stop until they get what they want. The thing is they always, ALWAYS, want more.
I know people don't learn through others' experiences but their own, but everyone out there who think it'd never happen to them, please, please, please heed the message of the show. You're not immune to be the prey of people like that.
Here's some Pride art I made back in 2018; I still think it's one of my best:
This is doubly true (I think) if you're also growing up disabled (*stage whisper*: Especially in the 1980s), because Society at Large erases your existence from any discussion of sexual or romantic relationships.
I just restarted KCD2 and now, with the knowledge of what will happen, something has picked my interest...
(and of course, it's about hansry again!)
The scene, after Henry falls down the cliff and is carried through the woods by Hans, is very interesting. Henry starts to hallucinate (Idk if it’s because of the fall, the pain, the bleeding wound or all combined) about the most traumatic moment in his still young life - the fall of his home and the death of his parents. He has to relive all these gruesome memories once again - all the deaths and horrible things he had to witness, like the slaughtering of his own parents... The life he only knew was taken away from him in a mere minutes-long bloodbath and all of this he had to see once again in front of his inner eye - with just one little difference: Hans.
With Henry babbling in pain because of his trauma, Hans is there and always tries to shield these memories away - tries to break the cycle. He constantly tries to bring Henry back to reality - telling him that he is not alone, that he doesn’t have to be scared and that everything is alright. He also tries to counter the blame Henry places on himself. When Henry says that he betrayed his parents, Hans reminds him that he never had done this to him.
He chooses to never talk about a hypothetical third person - he just speaks about himself. Henry never let him down. He is there for Henry. They can do this together. Hans provides Henry with an anchor - something he can really feel and see, because Hans is right there. That’s nothing to hallucinate about, it’s something undeniable and that’s exactly what Henry needs in this moment because of his condition. Something real, something he can hold on, so he doesn’t lose himself in this nightmare.
Hans is like Henry’s lifeboat in this situation. He not only carries him physically but also mentally through this life-or-death situation. He is the reason why Henry isn’t losing himself and makes it through the night. And not just that, he also shows Henry a different ending to this gruesome day.
Originally, Henry had to leave everything behind - to flee - scared and alone. But this time, Hans was there. He didn’t lose him and he wasn’t alone - they made it together. Even if everything else was lost, they still have each other. This alone will give them a reason to live through tomorrow and many days beyond - to look forward.
And right there, a light is shining through Henry’s dark dream - breaking the hallucination and leading him back to reality. The whole scene where they see the light in the distance is very beautiful, because for Henry, there is not just the real shine from the cabin, it’s also Hans. His acknowledgment of "the light" is not just related to the light in the distance, it’s also Hans - he is the light that leads him out of these bad memories - back to reality. Where he isn’t alone anymore and hope will shine even through the darkest night.
If you think about it, the "heart" options were never flirty. They aren't flattering compliments or smug comments - they are statements. Henry talks about real emotions and fears here. "I'm worried for you", "I care about you", "I think we didn't talk enough" - Henry doesn't want to flatter Hans, he isn't even thinking about that. Tbh, I would say he doesn't even intend for a single second to be "romantic" with Hans. Everything he says is not because he wants to flirt - he is just honest. Those are Henry's real emotions, we chose here.
Something was starting to hit me there—especially after Henry awakened the next day. The first thing he wanted to know from the strange woman he had never seen before in his life, who could potentially be an enemy, was: "What is with Hans?", "Will he make it?", "Will you help him?" He wasn't worried about himself or even aware of his own pain at first, until he was sure about what happened to Hans. Even after he realized and felt that his own body was in bad condition, he got up to help his friend. That's when I started to realize that Hans's romance didn't begin with the choice of the first heart option—because there was never a way for the player to influence the development of emotions or to stop them. They were already there, and the only decision we were allowed to make was whether to give Hans the courage to show them openly in the end and for Henry to understand them.
The other options are mostly jokes or "don't worry" comments - things he says to hide his own fears or to brush off a situation. Statements like "oh come on, just stop talking and move on" don't sound like Henry at all. Henry is caring and nice, he is helpful and always tries to be fair. He fights with his own demons, but he will always put himself aside to fight for someone else's rights. He can be a bit foolish, but he wants to learn as much as possible and listen to people's stories.
For me, it looks like the only "real" romance option is the last one. And even there, it's not about the first interaction or the first kiss - these goes straight to Hans. But he wouldn't have done it without our help to ensure Henry stays true to himself, his emotions, and Hans. What we choose as players is not to romance Hans, we choose for Henry to realize the true nature of his own feelings.
When he pulls away from the first kiss and takes a few steps back, you can see his confusion. He isn't disgusted or angry, he isn't even scared about "the sin" they just committed. He is just confused because we helped him realize why he did all those things. None of what Henry ever said to Hans was smug or even particularly romantic, he just always spoke the truth. He spoke from his heart about things he genuinely felt and it didn't feel specifically romantic because they were just honest emotions. Henry never worried about what he said - he never feared hiding his feelings because it felt natural to talk this way to Hans. There was never a reason to hide anything.
Henry wears his heart on his sleeve whenever he talking with Hans and that's why he just now realizes what all of this means - for Hans, for himself, for both of them and their future. Only then our choices take effect, only then does Henry kiss Hans and follow his feelings. I wouldn't say that, at this point, he fully understands what this is between them, but he is willing to follow this path. He isn't disgusted or afraid, he expects whatever this new, clearer situation is - even if he can't put a name to it yet. He wants to continue and follow his heart, he isn't running away, which is something Henry always reminds himself and others not to do. He will never run away again and he isn't doing it now or in the future. Whatever comes next, Henry is willing to face it because there is nothing to regret. He didn't run away, he was honest and he wanted this - even if he just now realizes it.
Just a little random note for the end, that I think is very interesting: Hans's romance is not a side quest, it's completely intertwined with the main campaign. Every important decision Henry made with him took place in the main quest. Sure, you sometimes didn't necessarily have to speak to him, but the dialogues still occurred during main events. For example, during the robbery - you don't have to talk to Hans, but the dialogue happens there.
In contrast, with Katherine or Rosa, you have to do some side activities, which makes their stories feel more excluded. Hans's romance is part of the main story, which really gives this route a more canon-vibe than the girls' romances.
Thoughts and theories in regards to my favorite senior necromancer
This man swept me of my feet so completely that I am still reeling. He is my new Solavellan and the amount of feels I have about him, its ungodly.
So I present to you my way to long essay about why Emmrich is the saddest and greatest man Bioware ever created, right next to Solas.
Please be aware of spoilers if you have not completed the game yet.
Also, shutout to @jaal-ama-daravv - you were looking for others peoples thoughts and theories. Also, thank you for all your posts and love for Emmrich.
(Edit for typos)
Their whole romance starts with dear Rook trying to flirt with him. And Rook being Rook their flirts are… questionable. I image Rook always doing a facepalm “Oh god, what did I just say?” afterwards. They… are not really that good at flirting. Half the time he doesn’t even seem to get that Rook was flirty with him.
But, oh, he did get it. He just couldn’t really comprehend it. This pretty, young and exciting person, flirting with him?!? Rook can be anything up to their mid-40s according to canon. That is not that much younger than him. But to him, they do SEEM young. Despite them being somewhat younger than Emmrich, I do think though, in quite a few ways, they are more experienced and knowledgeable than him. Emmrich led a pretty sheltered life. His childhood seems to be a happy one, despite them being poor. The loss of his parents had a huge impact on his life. To a degree where it still impacts him in a major way, even now, a lifetime later. But outside of that, I don’t think there was much strife or adventure in his life.
He is a quiet man who loves his books, and his time and work in the necropolis. He rarely even left the Necropolis. He never saw much of the world outside of it. But he always wanted to. Always dreamed of some kind of adventure. I think this is one of the reasons he so readily agreed to help Rook. A chance for adventure (and to help the world).
So here he finds himself in the company of a vibrant adventurous Rook who has seen and experienced so much. I think no matter their age difference, they would seem younger, “fresh faced” and vibrant to him. They are so full of life compared to him, who has not done that much living in recent years. They are less stuck in their ways, are out in the world and not sequestered in a life of routine.
In some ways he seems to be older than he is. That man is in his 50s. That is NOT old. But he seems to have lacked the courage to take life by its horns and just ride it. He is cautious, a coward in many ways. But somehow this dear Rook seems to bring out a different side of him. An almost forgotten yearning for more.
So, Rook awkwardly flirts with him. Bumbles and stumbles over words to flatter him. And he is exhilarated, touched and most of all confused. Why would this beautiful, vibrant person be interested in HIM of all people. There are other people around who should be so much more interesting to them than him. And how could he not be interested in them himself? They are, in a way, what he wants to be. Adventurous. Full of life. Indomitable. No matter what life throws at them, they refuse to yield. They have a courage the lacks, or thinks he lacks.
But that man is so much braver than he thinks. The fact that he is so open with Rook about his thanatophobia, even with a Rook that is not romantically interested in him is so touching. He tells them his most inner fears and all he wishes for it in return is some respect and kindness.
So, after some light and awkward flirting he tells them. If they DO mean it, he is interested. Emmrich is a deeply romantic man. In the dept of his heart he does not want a short-term affair. He wants someone to spend his life with. He wants something real. He wants everything. It’s what he always wanted, but never found and had completely given up upon. So he opens up a bit more.
But around that time, he also realizes that he absolutely has to tell them about his plans for lichdom. He tells the Rook on the friendship path why he hopes for their help in regard of Johanna. He explains why it is so important to him to find and stop Johanna.
Same goes for Rook on the romance path. But here comes the other side of the coin. Lichdom puts a possible halt on their fledging romance. He cannot know if Rook would be willing to continue what they’ve barely started.
They may either continue under the understanding that they have just temporary affair. What he never wanted. He always wanted that eternal flame – but by the Maker he wants to be with them, even if it is just a short time. He is still all feely at this point and the whole scope of his emotions have not yet hit him.
Or even, can he dare to dream, beyond that point of no return and stay with him after he becomes a Lich.
But he must put it out there. He cannot go further into their romance pretending his plans do not exist. He thinks Rook has a right to know what they are getting in to, and he is correct (and much respected) for that.
At the end, Rook commits to being with him with the full knowledge that Lichdom will come, sooner or later. If they stay with him from that point on is still undecided, but for now they are his. And how can he say no to that. He certainly did not expect this. I believe he fully expected this to be their end. But his confession ended truly in a night of unexpected splendor.
So, we know he always wanted “enduring affection”, love and commitment. And he had his fair share of lovers, paramours and affairs. I would think that he is someone who, when he does fall in love, loves so deeply and completely that it often scared his lovers away.
Not necessarily in an unhealthy way, but he is, underneath all that poise and manners, a deeply romantic man with strong emotions. I don’t think that Rook is special b/c he loves them more than he could love someone else, but b/c they not only accept all his love, more so, they welcome and return it in equal measure. They accept him and want him, even with all the baggage he comes with.
I think he was burned quite a few times in the past. So, he is trying to hold back, “be normal about it”. It’s just hard when this person he loves so much looks at him like he is their moon and stars and flame eternal. It’s hard when he feels finally and completely seen. He told them about his deepest fears, his plans about lichdom, and they are still here, willing to be on his side all the way. And while they seem to act like teenagers being all over each other, all want and need and stolen kisses, I think what they feel goes way deeper from the start.
At the same time, I also think that is partly at fault for not being able to find a lasting relationship. He had people in his live who did not want to fully commit to him. But I also think, the he never truly committed to anyone. He did, surely, on a more surface level. But a part of him always stayed closed off. He never gave himself completely. His fears made sure of that. What happens with Rook, the wonderful, oh so romantic start of their relationship? Only to end in this uncomfortable limbo because he lacks “the guts to say how he feels”? I think that was not the first time a relationship ended sour this way for him.
Take the amount of his feelings, add to that his thanatophobia, and that poor man becomes more and more a complete mess. What starts out as exciting and new and OMG THEY LIKE ME, becomes soon a new target for his fears. All those feelings inside him warring with each other. He wants to pin them against a wall and declare his undying love and run and hide at the same time.
Then comes Manfreds sacrifice and his big decision. Will he restore Manfred? Will he give up his friend to achieve his dreams?
Since I went with Manfred, I will mainly describe my feelings regarding mortal Emmrich. Though I believe Lich Emmrich suffers from the same base fears, they just find a different target.
Tbh, what Lace says to him certainly would not have helped. Her words feed into his doubts and fears and give them credibility. See, even Lace says this might not be right. Rook is younger. They move too fast. He will die earlier. Rook will be devastated. A whirlwind of emotions and half formed thoughts fueled by fear.
All he ever sees and what is constantly on his mind is not the time they can spend together, but the end of their time together. His death, their death, it does not matter. One of them will be gone and the other will be left with the pain he felt after his parents died. A pain that might even be worse than what he felt back then.
Rook being younger just becomes the vehicle by which he tries to convince himself that this might not be such a good idea after all. But its all his fears speaking.
And fear can be so strong, so overwhelming.
When they had this fight, my read on his words was that he wanted to break up with Rook. His words at that moment are condescending, bordering on mean. He is lashing out. We know he can be vindictive when he feels wronged, but he is nothing but kind and gentle to those he likes and who treat him with respect. I think, in a way, that it was not necessarily a conscious decision, but more of an instinct to hurt Rook. To make them angry and not love him anymore. To make it easier to end it, spare them the pain of breaking up now and of loosing him to death one day. By protecting himself from the pain of their death should he outlive them.
As if that would work and make any difference to Rook, or him. They are already so madly in love with each other.
And I think, what makes Rook different from his previous partners is that they realized, if they let him finish this sentence, he might break something beyond repair. Even if it was his fear speaking at that moment, not his love. Running away from his feelings is a recurring theme for him. And he does not WANT to break up with them. But his fear tells him its better this way. Fear is a liar, though.
So they speak a harsh truth. It’s his fear, insecurities and cowardice speaking. They do not let him get away with it. It is harsh, yes. But I think it was also necessary. It spells out a truth he did not want to admit to himself. He is afraid, insecure and a coward. And the big question, is that what he wants to be? They are, in sadly not the nicest way, telling him to get hid goddamn shit together. And sometimes that’s needed. Especially for an academic man like Emmrich. No Emmrich, that is not logical. It is pure emotion and fear is running your life, not you.
In a perfect world they would have told him so in a calm and collected manner. Less harsh words and more kindness. But would that have had the same impact on Emmrich? Rook is a person too, with their own fears and hopes and dreams. And Emmrich right now is breaking their heart. I think he needed that. To see the pain and hurt he inflicted on them.
Can you imagine the regret he would feel in the end? If he left Rook? It would leave him a broken shell of a man. His final defeat. Fear had won. Nothing would be better, and no one would have been spared any pain. I would just be a lifetime of regret and what ifs. The one person who accepted him fully, loved him so deeply, and HE threw everything away.
I think, the time Rook was trapped inside the fade prison might have been the best thing that could happen in the long run. It’s all his fears come to reality. Rook is gone. He lost them. And he just wants to curl up and hide. But he can’t. He needs to find them. If he lets fear win now, Rook might be lost forever. He cannot allow himself to be coward now. I think this time was a come-to-Jesus moment for him. It forced him to look at his fears and what they’ve cost him. It’s a moment where he needs to stop letting fear control his life.
The last real private moment they had was a fight, filled with fear and anger. (That short apology in the middle of a battlefield was hardly private and could in no way make up for the words that were said.)
That last evening should have been a time filled with love. A memory to cherish. But now it’s a memory one would want to forget. And that was his own doing. It was not something out of his control, like “death”. It was his words and actions that tainted their time together. And what if that was the last time they’d seen each other, been with each other? What if that is his last real memory of them? The look of anger and pain and hurt on Rooks face, caused by HIM, by what he had actively said and done? I think this might be the first time he realizes that his fears take more from him, than death ever could.
Phobias and anxieties are not cured that easily, of course. I think in a way, they will always stay with him, to a degree. But I do think he had some important realizations that will put him on a path of growing. At least in regards of how he deals with his fears.
And then he found them. He found his Rook. They are back and they are alive. He can hold them in his arms again and how could he ever even think about turning away from them? They are a gift, a miracle, the deepest wish fulfilled. A wish he’d given up upon. Something he thought he would never have.
And then the last scene with the coffin. Okay here I go the Astarion route and I am absolutely convinced that that coffin is his. Of course he had planned all things in regards to his death. He had chosen the crypt he wanted to be buried in. And at that moment he took them there. The place that had been the mark of the final end, now the mark of the rest of his life. And Rook? Rook still wants him, after everything. They still love him.
When they pull him into a kiss? He doesn’t see the end of their time, but the start of the rest of their life together. That look on his face when Rook leads him to that coffin? This look of absolute vulnerability? I think, in a way, this is a first time for him. All open and vulnerable. All he is and feels no longer hidden away but cherished and loved. He will always fear loosing them, them loosing him, how could he not. But they are here and HE is finally able to truly commit. He is finally giving everything. He will always fear, but now love wins. Rook holds his heart in their hands, and he trusts them completely. He gives himself to them. He is theirs, forever.
Hell, that man breaks my heart in so many ways.
So what’s in store for them in the future? Sadly we do not get epilogue sliders for our LIs.
But those two I truly think are in it for the long haul. There will be many good days, filled with happiness and laughter and kisses. They will go on adventures, see the world, experience life together in its fullest.
There will also be bad days, when fear rears its head, and his chest hurts from the sheer pain it inflicts on him. But I hope he comes to a point where he is able to turn to Rook in those times, instead of pushing them away. Where he lets them comfort him, hold him, until this feeling loses its grip on him.
Those bad days will never diminish those wonderful days they have together, though. Just a rain cloud, hiding the sun for a day or two. And it can’t rain forever.
Then, when one of them finally goes on to their last journey, they will wait for their love. And when they are united again, they walk eternity hand in hand.
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