( cis man | he/him | alex fitzalan ) —— isn’t that SILAS SELWYN? yeah that is them, outside the three broomsticks! they used to be in RAVENCLAW but apparently they now work as a APPRAISER at TOMES AND SCROLLS. sybill once said that they reminded her of tall stacks of books, chess games late into the evening, reading strategy books by firelight, & anxiously tapping foot on marble floors which seems about right. anyway i’ve heard they’re still a bit CUNNING, IDEALISTIC and INTELLIGENT, they’re TWENTY TWO now but some things never change! i wonder how being a PUREBLOOD is affecting them after hogwarts, especially now they’re a NEUTRAL (MARKED DEATH EATER)? i guess only time will tell…
𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓 / 𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐘
character influences : alex claremont-diaz ( red, white & royal blue ) , oliver blackwood ( boyfriend material ) , noah kaplan ( kate in waiting ) , grayson hawthorne ( the inheritance games ) , adora ( she-ra ) , connor ( detroit : become human ) , prince zuko ( avatar : the last air bender )
“good thing it wasn’t for you,” she says, sliding her hands over towards the shot, taking it with her hand and shooting it back quickly before signalling for another to come her way. “and how are you, blood traitor?” she asks, tilting her head to look at him- and he did, honestly, look like shit, and arden was never one to sugar coat it. she had heard through the grapevine of being a marked death eater now of what had happened to the selwyn boy, but if she was being honest at the moment? she didn’t care. she was off the high of winning any kind of quidditch game, just some moment of her getting back some kind of normalcy, though she couldn’t say the same for the other. “just played a game of quidditch, didn’t want to go home,” she says when he asks, seeing the bartender give her another round of firewhisky, she taps her fingers against the glass before taking them again. “and you?”
“ well , i figured you were going to regardless . ” there is no judgement in his voice , only observation . silas wished he could drink , but he was only here for the atmosphere . sipping on the water he had gotten refilled just moments before arden sat down . he looked like shit , he felt like shit . in no way was he going to get away with saying that he was fine . “ awful , but you knew that because i look like i just got attacked in an alley which i suppose is not far from the truth . ” merlin was he really considered a traitor ? he was , wasn’t he ? his life had gotten so off track these days . he hadn’t really gotten to that point where he accepted that term though . “ are you doing any better ? ” silas couldn’t imagine anyone doing fine these days . with all the tension , these days it seemed a little bleak everywhere he went . or perhaps that really was just him . “ change of scenery from sitting at home feeling sick . i would rather sit in a bar not drinking and feel sick . i work nearby now . ” he shrugged , shifting uncomfortably in his chair . “ congratulations on your win though . you are a great player . ” he had always thought that . silas might be alright on a broom , but he had never been the right type of coordinated to play quidditch well .
“am i my sister? no, i also don’t control her as she is her own person so attributing her deeds and words to me is as unfair as you’re claiming people have been to you. that’s disliking me, treating me poorly because of my surname. which seems like something you weren’t fond of, but maybe i’m wrong.” she shrugged, she didn’t care what silas thought of her, but he’d best be careful what he said about iya. “and you see it as having a backbone, i’m going to make the assumption your detractors see it another way. there are always three sides to every story. yours, theirs and the truth.” and somehow they doubted they’d get the truth from silas.
“whatever i decide is mine to own, my actions are up to me and me alone. and it also depends on what you define an innocent as.” she had been an innocent, until she’d been bitten, now she was a monster according to society. she’d never bite anyone though, she had made that her mission the day after she was turned. but she didn’t owe silas her private ponderings. “you do actually, unless you misunderstand me. you did defect, you were meant to be a death eater, right? and you literally ran away from that fate. that’s defecting, it doesn’t have to be from the country, it can be from a cause too. i thought someone who reads a lot would understand that.” that might have been a bit of a dig but he was getting in his jabs alright.
“you have this bad habit of trying to put words in my mouth, which yes tells me more about you than it does me. you seem to think both very highly of yourself and very poorly at the same time, based only on your projections. i never said i knew your soul silas, but your behavior is very telling.” she’d learned to read body language and pick up on subtle signals over the years of running the shop and making deals. those subtle signs told her a lot about people. but when he dared to bring up her family again she quietly bristled. “that’s a lot of assumptions, and deflecting, you’re doing.” she said instead of confirming or denying. her family had fought hard to be accepted, had followed all their rules, was pure and yet —- they were not treated as equals and it bothered her more than she’d say that silas had noticed at all. it meant it wasn’t all in her head, that she’d been right about what the top tier purebloods thought of her family. that her own decision to defect would be the right one. “who are you trying to convince, silas?” she said simply, because he seemed to be trying awfully hard to convince someone how strong he was.
he did not care if she wasn’t anything like her sister — if they didn’t carry the same beliefs that he did , because he knew the reputation the borgins had in that they were a close family . they looked out for each other in a way that made it dangerous to piss off one of them . “ perhaps you are . but i’ve hardly treated anyone poorly , just been cold . and in this day and age , i don’t think anyone can really fault someone for being cautious around people . ” he still believed that it was dangerous to talk about his feelings . silas didn’t care about the hate he harbored towards the borgins . “ yes, they see it as being weak , but i believe it is stronger to stand up for your beliefs , no matter if they differ from the others you have grown up around . ” and for silas that meant that he specifically meant that he wasn’t going to be a killer . that it was reckless and dangerous to take the lives of muggleborns . at first it had been because they didn’t know what would happen , but it had changed now that he’d gotten to spend time with some of them . it was strange that he now was preaching something he never thought he’d think , but killing was wrong .
“ i never said it was not . i hardly think i can control anyone and wouldn’t dare to . in my opinion innocent would be muggles . they have no part in all of this . ” these days he didn’t believe there were many innocent people . he wondered how many would die before they concluded this war . he wondered if he’d be among them . silas knew it was dangerous to think like that . “ i am a death eater . there is a mark on my arm regardless of if i’ve run from the cause . ” he had run from them , turned away from the cause , but he hadn’t changed sides . “ i do read a lot , and i understand that defecting means to turn to the opposing side . ” regardless of what he thought , he had not turned to the opposing side , even if his opinions now more closely aligned with theirs . silas didn’t expect them to understand that he had turned from his side and he did want to make a difference .
“ and you have a bad habit of thinking everything i say is me putting words in your mouth , ” he quipped . silas didn’t think very highly of himself and he was smart enough to know what people tended to think about him . these days it wasn’t in the best of light — even if he didn’t care anymore . “ what is telling about my behavior ? ” silas questioned , raising an eyebrow . “ but i am not wrong , that is the thing . people will try so hard to be part of that society when there’s no reason to . i have long given up on the idea that i will ever be considered an equal to my father . ” he disagreed , but he did believe that he had disadvantages . silas picked up the book he’d just been touching and flipped through the pages . he knew he was hitting low points . “ i am not trying to convince anyone of anything . ” he knew who he was , or who he was trying to be , and that wasn’t going to change . “ the society i grew up in wanted me to be a copy of my father , needed me to be a copy of him . it was easier that way , but i was not happy . ” not that he was happy now , but he was starting to feel better , the weight lifted his shoulders .
❝ because you’re obviously in pain despite what you’re saying , and the fact you’re hiding that it hurts means it’s likely something bad . if you want help you just have to ask for it , you need to ask for it ❞
“ fine . fine , i’ll show you , but i feel fine and it’s really not that bad . ” silas grabbed the bottom of his shirt and lifted it just enough to show the makeshift bandage he’d put on it . “ i don’t want to talk about it . please don’t ask me about it . i’m an idiot and deserve to be in pain . ”
“clearly.” if someone really didn’t care they wouldn’t be working so hard to prove it, saying it over and over was more for silas than it was for them. “dangerous? i’ve never done anything to you, but sure, if you say so.” she liked the idea of being dangerous, but not the way she actually was considered dangerous. as the werewolf and not as the person. silas was infamous right now but his problems seemed trivial when she thought of her family, and herself. but then silas had to know the way he was speaking to her was combative, even as she tried to deescalate by remaining calm, yet dismissive and she couldn’t help that part. “come one, even that isn’t shocking, not in this society. the way it treats people, i’d be more surprised if no one was defecting.” maybe she shouldn’t have said that but it was the truth. she wasn’t blind or stupid, she knew how her family was treated, used and devalued. and she wanted out, but coming to that realization was very difficult. “you’re the name on everyone’s lips, and if i didn’t know anything about you i’m learning quite a lot right now.”
silas hated the borgins , with good reason he thought . most of them seemed to harbor a hatred towards him for what happened on the mission and while that was cause , he typically just stayed away from them because there was no point in pissing them off . “ no , but your sister once told me i deserved a shallow grave . a bit much , don’t you think , all for having a backbone ? ” all because he hadn’t wanted to kill another human . it wasn’t like he was haunted by his mistakes of even joining the death eaters . why had he chased his father’s praise for so long when he knew he’d never actually gain the respect of his dad ? he didn’t care about his reputation . not anymore , not when he’d rather take a path that would lead him to happiness instead of forcing himself to feel trapped in a life he hated . the anxiety wasn’t gone yet , the fear and paranoia gripped him on a daily basis , but silas knew he could at least live knowing he was a better person than half of the pureblood society . “ you’re saying you wouldn’t hurt an innocent ? ” he found that difficult to believe . “ i wouldn’t know anything about defecting . although it would be easier to run away from england and pretend this war was never mine to begin with . ” but silas had to right his wrongs first . make up for sitting aside while innocent people were murdered for nothing more than having magic . wasn’t that something that tied them all together anyways ? everyone in this society had magic .
“ oh and what are you learning ? that i’m as big of a bastard as everyone’s claimed i am ? ” he let out a bit of a hollow laugh . “ i can assure you that you know nothing about me . my deepest desire down to the goals i have in life are kept safely hidden away in my mind . ” they weren’t really because several people knew what he was up to now . but he knew better than to go around talking about his next plan . “ tell me , jasmine , why does your family try so hard to fit into a society that will never see you as equals ? why bother when there’s freedom out there ? you’re grasping at straws to make yourself fit into a society that hates change and would find any excuse to disregard someone rather than accept them . ” he raised an eyebrow . for so long he’d thought eventually he might gain the respect that he was after , but it had taken long enough for him to realize that he would never be equal to them . “ isn’t it funny that everyone’s talking about me , going around as if they know me , when they haven’t even scratched the surface . they all see me as a weak child that left home because i am gay , or because i won’t follow society norms , but here’s the thing , i’m not weak for leaving home . i’m stronger for the decision i made , happier even . i am not stupid though , i know that there are people who would rather see me suffer for my opinions than let me live . i know they all call me a blood traitor now . what’s a traitor in these times but someone only taking a stand for something they believe in ? ” silas let his hand run across the spine of a book . “ there is not sure foundation set on blood , not certain life achieved by others’ death . ” had he not said that in the past ? that it was dangerous to kill without knowing what they did not understand ?
“ Because hope and optimism is the only thing that keeps some people going,” Ludo did not see himself managing to get up in the morning otherwise but felt uncomfortable saying that out loud. What did he have to fear? He was a beloved public figure, he knew people in the high society, and he was legitimate in the eyes of that vile man that he couldn’t even name. “Don’t let them take your hopes from you, Silas, those belong to you,” ah well, he wouldn’t have been team captain without a habit to pull pep talks out of nowhere.
Ludo wondered, much like Silas, what would tomorrow be made of. He was already starting to plan ahead, feeling already as if he and Mina were meant to be, but who was he to think that they could live a blissful life while others were suffering? How could they possibly be blissful now, when everything around them fell apart, when families were torn and destroyed?
Perhaps was it best to talk about anything else. Something normal, something that people still could enjoy now. “Yeah it’s something. The instruments are weird too. I probably should ask Otto if they know things I can actually enjoy.” He absent-mindedly said, although as the other called himself dull, something about him changed. “No, that’s dragon shit, you are not dull. You don’t have to go out every other evening to be fun. See, I personally hate those things,” he preferred spending the night with his closer friends, just playing board games or talking and reshaping the words with words until dawn. “And I still go because… Heh I don’t know, guess that’s lack of personality or cowardice,” he shrugged. Oh of course he’d never admit to it to Skeeter or any one like that, but Silas seemed like someone who would understand. “Heh, it’s a bit far, and there’s the whole entering the country deal. Ministries don’t let us in just like that. We could be one of the bad guys, you know,” another shrug. Ludo was not exactly well versed in politics. “Believe me, the last thing I would diminish is her ability to charm. She’s scary good at that,” he raised an eyebrow, a blank, knowing look on his face. “Well, if it means anything, I think you’re quite handsome for a bloke. People will forget, it’ll be yesterday’s news before you know it.”
“ not me , it just makes me feel like i’m lying to myself . there’s awful , terrible things in the world and i’m not going to pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows when people are dying . ” silas knew he had to worry about himself now that he’d left home and decided he was better off for it . “ it’s a little too late for all of that , the only thing i let myself be hopeful about these days are the things i can control . which is very few things , other than my career . ” still , he hadn’t felt hope in a long time .
for so long he’d been suffering due to his own making and now that he wasn’t , he needed to be careful who he spoke to and what he shared with the people he spoke to . everything felt like it was falling apart and one day he’d figure out how to put it all together . best to drop the subject of war , just in case . he barely knew ludo and didn’t know the company he kept . even if he couldn’t be that bad if he claimed to be friends with mina .
“ i don’t mind the weird instruments . personally i’ve always enjoyed classical the most , but i’ve learned that there are musicians like me and i think that’s interesting . ” people like him . it seemed strange to say something like that out loud , admit that he was different . “ no , it’s fine . i’d rather be dull . then people will leave me alone . typically , i don’t get invited out anyways . that isn’t my scene . i prefer to stay home with a good book . that’s better entertainment than the anxiety i feel at most social events . ” silas didn’t think not partying made him dull , more that he tended to find books far more interesting than anything else . “ i don’t think that makes you a coward . i think it makes you human . sometimes going with the crowd is easier than standing out , i’d know . ” in his case , it had kept him safe . “ well , yes . but once you’re over there . ” he’d never been to america with no desire to go . “ she is something . she wouldn’t take no for an answer when i didn’t really want to be friends . ” silas shrugged . “ i don’t think i’m ugly , far from . it’s just the things i want and don’t want from a relationship are different than what most people want and don’t want . i don’t want to be as intimate as most people prefer . i don’t even care about the stupid things i’ve done in the past . who cares . ” when it came to that mistake , he had long given up the idea that people wouldn’t talk about it . “ besides , that night was the catalyst for the choices i’ve made recently . i’m not okay , but i’m getting better and i feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders . ”
“i’m sure i can manage any backlash that might come with sitting next to you in a dimly lit pub,” cressida countered, turning her attention back to the newspaper. at this moment in time, cressida was indifferent towards silas. cressida didn’t pay much attention to the lives of others these days – she was solely focused on her own goals and her own future. she didn’t have any signifcant interest nor did she want to devote much energy to those who couldn’t get her where she wanted to go. sure, there wasn’t really a deadline but even at twenty-two, but there were days when she felt the need to rush it all and that feeling – it could be dangerous, depending on the situation. doubted drinking a few cocktails whilst casually sitting next to silas would have any effect on her whatsoever. “i’ll admit that i’m surprised to see you here – what gives?” she asked, taking a small sip.
silas almost rolled his eyes at that comment , he didn’t know what the backlash for sitting with him at a dimly lit pub would be . but there was bound to be some at this point . he was sure of it . “ sure . ” it wasn’t that he doubted anyone’s abilities , he just knew that they didn’t fight fair . none of them . and he supposed that was part of the problem . he wondered if they all hated him or just a few of them . not everyone had the same feelings as he did about the war . he wanted to feel like a good person and he knew he wasn’t , maybe he’d never be . maybe he was kidding himself into thinking that he could change . the death eaters were a part of his past . silas shrugged at the question . “ i honestly was hoping i’d see someone , but i really should go back home .” ah yes , that word : home . silas still wasn’t sure where that was .
he’d collapsed on mina’s couch the second he’d actually gotten here and hadn’t really moved since . silas wasn’t in the mood to do much else . he still felt hurt even if he’d been healed . “ please don’t make me get off the couch today . i still don’t feel good . ”
❝ yer so fuckin’ naïve mate . it shouldnae be but ye’ve came up the clyde in a banana boat if ye think that’s no the case ❞ they near snapped at him . mary didn’t need the injustices of the world pointed out to them and certainly not from the likes of him , someone who looked like him . who , as rough around the edges has he now seemed , still looked like they were as like to have gone to eton over hogwarts . ❝ maybe ? here mate a can answer that for you . ye havenae . ye know shit about whit a’ve been through but a can tell ye now nothin’ a’ve had to live through will be anythin’ like whit ye’ve had ta suffer through ❞ their last word spat as if it were the most mocking call possible . ❝ unless a tell ye ? why the fuck would a do that ? so ye can mock me ? say a deserved it ? so you’ve sommat to wank to ? am copin’ how am copin’ an a will make them pay ❞
sick and tired of it all , they were fucking sick and bloody tired of the constant attempts to judge or critique how she reacted to every injustice they had lived through . the near accusations that they weren’t a good enough victim to be believed because they hadn’t reacted as expected . that they kept fighting back rather than let violence cow them , but mary sheridan macdonald had never been nice . she had never been kind either , just not needlessly mean . ❝ you think i don’t know that ? ye think a need someone to educate me ? is it cause ye think ma english is no as proper as yours ? or is it cause yer still a massive fuckin’ tory ? mind , those reasons are one and the same ❞ and then came the little woe is me moment , as if there were anything in mary right now that would bring them close to disagreeing with him as he seemed to be trying to provoke in her . ❝ yer aw the fuckin’ same . every feckin’ one a yous . thinkin’ yer right , goin’ where yer no wanted . fuckin’ tory . i don’t owe ye shit . don’t owe ye ma trauma or my bloody patience and yer oan my last nerve ❞ her mother’s words rattling around her head then : try not to hit first unless you know they’re going to hit you , and her father’s too : make every swing count , don’t waste them . and really it would be wasted here .
silas was tired , too tired to deal with all of this . he felt sick from everything , when he didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing . he wanted to go home , not sit here and take the shit of someone that knew nothing about him . silas didn’t know everything , but he knew what it felt like to not fit in . “ yeah , okay . whatever you say . ” no one knew what he’d been through , even if some of his problems were of his own making , not all of them were . “ i am not trying to compare traumas . all i’m saying is that my life hasn’t been easy either . and it’s not going to get any better now . ” not when he’d made decisions that put him in danger . “ i’m a lot of things , nice isn’t one of them , but i would never mock someone for the trauma they’ve been through . that’s not who i am . ” he didn’t want to admit it , but he was a victim too . and he was about to put himself in more danger than he even knew about . silas knew what he looked like , how he acted , and the way he held himself . still he wasn’t okay .
“ if i could take your pain i would , but it doesn’t work like that . ” and i’m sorry . he was too tired for this — didn’t want to deal with this shit . “ stop it , ” silas finally snapped , tired of the words he was hearing , of the accusations being slung his direction . panic clutched at his chest and he felt dizzy suddenly . he couldn’t help the tears forming in his eyes , even if he didn’t want to cry . silas slumped against the wall , wanting to be left alone . he still wasn’t used to the way panic held him these days , how utterly useless he felt . but he steeled himself for a second . “ you know nothing about me . you might think you do because of the way i look and act , but you don’t know me . i don’t think i’m better than anyone . i’ve been depressed for so fucking long that i don’t feel anything . i don’t owe you shit though . and i never said you owed me anything either . you’re putting words in my mouth that i’ve never said and thoughts that i’ve never thought . ” he couldn’t say anything else because the panic was too overwhelming at that point — he closed his eyes and started crying , letting himself start to hyperventilate .
it had been a long time since arden had been on a quidditch field, but when had asked if she wanted join in a random match she couldn’t say no. she had brought the latest broom not that long ago and was itching to finally get to use it. by the time the match had finished, her team of course, winning, she had decided to make a stop into hogsmeade to get a pint. she had hauled her broom with her setting it besides her before waving down someone for a drink. “firewhisky,” she said, trying to fix the hairs that were a little bit more frazzled than the most. despite the match, none of the people that she had played with wanted to get an actual drink with arden given her repuation, which would normally make her roll her eyes or worse, she was just desperate to play at least one round.
silas had taken a little bit of time of work after the incident , deciding it was probably best he didn’t go there for a while . he hated that his job was so public facing when he was trying to stay out of the public eye until the anger from him leaving home died down . he kept his head down as he walked through the village . he was technically was supposed to be hanging out with his new friends , except he didn’t want them to see how bad of a shape he was in today . he looked terrible and he knew it . out of all the people that he could run into , arden was not the person he expected . “ i don’t think i should be drinking tonight . i’m still recovering . ” he knew his voice was quiet , just loud enough that she’d hear . silas gripped the edge of the bar , watching his knuckles go white . “ what brings you to out here ? ” silas asked , eyes still affixed to the bar top .
“excuse me? i’m the prophet’s newest rising star. or have you been living so far under a rock you haven’t picked up the paper in weeks? and are you saying my dreams aren’t realistic?” she was offended but only just. after all, her dreams were beginning to come true and all it took was one year at WADA and blood,sweat and tears and callouses and bruises and ice baths and — well, she could go on and on in her head. “yeah but at least i want my name in people’s mouths, there’s the difference. all publicity is good publicity according to my agent. but then you just have to look at that trainwreck emma vanity to know that isn’t true.” it was common knowledge amongst her friends that she despised emma, making it her main motivation for choosing the bats offer over anyone else, so she could prove she was better than vanity. “i never said it was, what’s with the attitude si? did i say something?” she didn’t put up with bs well and this was beginning to feel less than friendly for some reason. “well i’m glad, as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” and that was true, for silas and people like him. but she didn’t understand the lack of ambition in most people, she couldn’t fathom being like that. “well you know we haven’t talked in a little while, it isn’t like i’m a seer here si, you have to tell me these things or i won’t know. you could always write to me, what’s stopping you?”
“ i kind of have been living under a rock . you’ll have to excuse me or not . either way . i am glad people are starting to recognize you for your talents . my apologies , clearly your dreams are very realistic . ” he’d meant they weren’t realistic for himself , though he supposed he hadn’t done a good job of wording it . he barely had enough time to have fun these days , looking over his shoulder at any given moment . that’s what he got for being a bit self absorbed in recent times . “ i think it depends on the things that people are talking about . some stuff is actually career ending , but i’m sure you know more about these things than i do . all i know is that people are talking about me and i guess they have every right to . no reason in getting angry over it . ” plus what people were saying was true . “ no , you’re fine . i am a mess . starting to feel like a trainwreck . wondering when i’ll finally crash . has to be soon at this point . ” he’d felt like he had to defend his opinions a lot these days and he didn’t really feel like most people hated him . he didn’t know if lucinda was one of those people , but he felt it was better safe than sorry . “ you’ve been busy , i’m not going to worry you with my frivolous problems . ” although they really weren’t at this point . they were massive problems . “ and i can’t write to you . i’m hiding from people . i might get really hurt if some people end up finding out where i’m living . ”
