Chapter 12: The Alter Ego
Mr. Krupp tried putting more effort into actually acting like a normal human being. But needless to say, it was anything but successful.
He decided to bite the bullet and attend a staff meeting discussing some upcoming school events. The only prerequisite is that Krupp attend it through video chat so he can read the entire conversation through transcribed captions while the audio is mostly muted.
Their topic of the day is the Talent Show that is set to come up in a few weeks.
“I know, I know. The district is making us hold one again.” Mr. Krupp groaned during the meeting. “So we’ll need to aim for putting in the absolute BARE MINIMUM effort into holding one. That way whatever’s left of it can go into soundproofing my office. What’s our budget this time?”
“We actually got fifty thousand—-huh? Yes, he actually said ‘soundproofing’,……yeah he just said his office,” Mrs. Anthrope was on the other end of the video conference via her phone. Evidently another teacher was questioning Mr. Krupp’s questionable decision to reallocate funds, but because of noise cancellation, Mr. Krupp didn’t hear who.
The video lagged for a small bit before going back to normal.
“—fifty thousand dollars.” Ms. Anthrope said, her audio having gone back to normal.
“That’s the talent show budget? Wow. That’s actually pretty decent! Even if we go all out, I’ll still have enough for soundproofing! Now, we’ll allocate some cash for the printers downtown and get ourselves a nice clean banner for—”
“Oh wait, it says $5000.00.”
“Like I said before, BARE MINIMUM effort. Alright? No hiring professionals, make the kids deal with it themselves. No buying anything else from ANYWHERE, just use all the office supplies, Get it done on the first run, I don’t CARE about typos, Yadda, yadda, yadda. Ask one of those AI chatbots online for assistance outside of the school if you have to because they’re mostly free. Ok? Great! Get outta here!”
“But sir, we still have more events to discu—-“
Mr. Krupp had left the conversation early and took off his dress shirt and toupee to resume “mental bungee jumping” practice in his swim trunks.
Today was Day Three of training and Mr. Krupp’s neighbors have been trying to go about their day without raising their eyebrows at the sight of a middle aged old guy snapping his fingers suddenly fainting for a few seconds, soft-cursing himself, and repeat, all while playing with a sprinkler in his backyard.
It was a strange sight to behold, but as far as they’re aware, it’s none of their business.
So far this week, Krupp had made numerous attempts to intercept his Alter Ego. But at some point he completely lost count.
Krupp would count 3 Mississipi’s before passing his Alter Ego and a quick count to 10 before the tail end of the Alter Ego’s cloak finally passed him.
After that, he lands in the Mindscape as usual and waits to be sucked back through the EGO door to start all over.
“That would be attempt number 80.” Wiseguy said, marking a tally on a conjured chalkboard.
“Why are you keeping track?”
“You’ve been at this for three days and only just decided to ask me that NOW—?”
“Darn it!” Mr. Krupp would cry out before grabbing a towel to wipe his face dry.
And then he would raise his hand again.
“One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-GET IT, Darn it!!”
This pass he missed the cape by about 24 inches.
Roughly a yard and 6 inches.
“One more time, one more time!”
This was unbelievable. At some point into training, Krupp started to notice that his “Mental Bungee Jumping” approach to capture the Alter Ego wasn’t working anymore since the latter seemed to be actively avoiding him.
He kept missing again and again and all the progress he’s ever made is about to rot in the dumpster. If dream physics were that much different than he’d expected, was everything he’d ever done at that reaction test exhibit all for nothing?
“Maybe if you changed your perspective on certain things, you’d probably get it…”
Mr. Krupp remembered the optical illusion exhibit he went to with Edith. Maybe he needed to change his perspective on this problem.
If he couldn’t grab the Alter Ego by the cloak, he would have to switch tactics. Use his head more.
Be more—dare he think it—-creative.
Metaphorically and metaphysically.
He almost felt tempted to ask Wiseguy for help, but backed down because that’s not how HE deals with things when his pride and dignity is on the line….
…that is…unless he’s that desperate.
He sat down on the backyard porch next to his neatly folded clothes and thought extra hard.
What throws him off the most is the extra ten seconds after the Three Mississippis, because he counts them at a different speed each time.
The more he thought about it, he’s even counting the Mississippis at different speeds too!
He’s practically working in two different worlds now that he thinks about it.
What if this, or what if that?
His mind kept racing, but the more he overthought, the more complicated he’s making it.
The real issue is that his Alter Ego keeps dodging him.
So if he were to control his position while in freefall….
He would have to tackle this as if he were skydiving.
It’s better than overthinking, right?
And so, Mr. Krupp would spend his next 15 minute break watching skydiving tutorial videos on his smartphone.
The new angle to his attack plan has him so focused that he even ignored a few phone notifications….
….even, unbeknownst to him, the messages from Edith.
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Meanwhile, back at Jerome Horwitz Elementary, Edith started hearing rumors that Mr. Krupp was going back into hiding again, now entering his second week. During lunch she had been trying to send texts to Mr. Krupp while serving meals to students, maybe sometimes accidentally serving two servings to a single student.
She would reread the last text she received from Mr. Krupp that Tuesday.
Hey, Edith, I’m not able to come to work today, don’t tell anyone else. Just pretend I’m still in the office as usual. Also, I don’t think I can meet up this week. Something big came up and it’s important and something that I absolutely need to take care of all by myself. ok? Will see you soon!
Edith let out a sigh and scrolled down to the ones she had sent.
Hey, Principal K. You ok?
Sorry, are we allowed to use first names now? Or do I still call ya “Mr.” Or “Principal Krupp”?
Nevermind! Delete the above messages before this one.
Actually, delete the last one and this one too!
Just this last weekend, she remembered being able to have a pleasant time at the science museum, only to suddenly cut her date short, again due to unfortunate circumstances beyond her control. But the two of them agreed to do stay at home cooking dates, so everything should be alright, right?
But now Mr. Krupp is shutting himself away again.
Normally, Edith would try to give him space to deal with things on his own, but she couldn’t help but still feel partially responsible for possibly instigating this sudden shift in his behavior.
More in the form of mentioning the memory of their first date. The whole toilet army incident.
He was at his bravest, most charming, and his best smile that night.
The only other time she ever saw him smile like that…
….was before their science museum date.
“How do you feel about going out of town for a day trip?”
Mr. Krupp raised his eyebrows looking incredibly interested. “That sounds…pretty interesting, actually. Where do you want to go?”
“So, there’s this museum down in Daytona that….”
“…has a movie about that planet I mentioned on our botched date and….Hey, you alright?“
Edith didn’t quite know what happened but it appeared as if Krupp was experiencing another blackout.
“Ohhh dear, here we go again. No worries. I’m patient.” She said to herself as she quickly pulled up driving instructions to the science museum.
Suddenly, Mr. Krupp finally snapped out of his blackout.
“AAHH!!” Edith suddenly yelped. Startled by the fact that she managed to scare Mr. Krupp twice in the same meeting. “Sorry! Sorry! Don’t get a heart attack!”
“Heart attack? Where?” Mr. Krupp said while on guard.
“No! I meant to say sorry for surprising you….again.”
“Oh no! Not all.” Mr. Krupp said as he positioned himself in a noticeably different stance than normal.
“Y’know because of the…the first time today you said you nearly had an…ahem. Never mind.”
Mr. Krupp’s smile suddenly looked different.
“So um, anyway, I was thinking that we should go on a day trip down to Daytona to this science museum. It’s for kids, but it’s the only place that’s showing a movie that I really want to see. Think we can go?”
“That sounds fun! Where is it again?”
“And how do we get there?”
“That’s ok, I can drive! I’m treating.”
It was odd that Edith had trouble explaining her plan to Mr. Krupp that day, but part of her thought it was likely his way of playing with her.
However roundabout it was.
---------------------------
“Hey, Edith! You finally breaking up with the Principal yet?” A sarcastic but lighthearted voice brought Edith back to the present.
“Oh hey, Reid! Nope. Still with him.”
Reid was one of the few students at school who’d occasionally converse with Edith as soon as the crowd died at the cafeteria. They actually started talking with each other about less than a year ago, even so far as interacting with each other outside of school. Occasionally, when Edith is asked by her neighbor to look after their St. Bernard, and it overlaps with a date night with Mr. Krupp. Reid would volunteer to dog-sit for the evening…even though she and Edith practically lived on opposite ends of the neighborhood.
The both of them seem to have become so close that Reid keeps joking about how awful Krupp is….a lot.
“I’m sad to say that it seems like he gave up on the potato clock you gave him.” Reid said as she leaned against the lunch queue’s countertop with a smirk. “I think you should break up.”
“Yeah. He asked me to fix it if you can believe it, but I think he waited too long and some potato rot ended up corroding the electronics, unfortunately.”
“Oh, well. Some things don’t last that long, but wow! I was surprised that it lasted longer than a store bought potato!”
Reid’s expression fell. “I was actually surprised that you switched potatoes without telling me.”
“Think I mighta’ broken a world record?”
“I think you should have saved that large heart-shaped potato for this year’s county fair. I bet it would have won first prize.”
“I think you’d have to be an actual farmer for that.”
“You are an actual farmer, though.”
“I’m a gardener, though. Since I grow food in a garden.”
“Same diff. Anyway, how’d that date go? You see the movie I told you about? Did the Principal hate the museum?” Reid asked eagerly.
“Actually, he and I had a pleasant time there.”
Reid’s smile faded. “Huh…..even though it was a children’s museum?”
“That’s….unexpected.” Reid said, turning her attention to her little notebook, writing something. “I’m somewhat curious. What do you see in him?”
“What is it that you like about the Principal?”
Edith blushed. “Ohh….ummm….”
“Any redeeming qualities that would make a child miraculously forgive him for being a massive, child-hating, bigger misanthrope than Ms, Anthrope, meaner than Mr, Meaner, more miserable than Ms. Ribble, piece of [SCRIBBLED]?” Reid said with growing frustration up until she realized that she accidentally ripped a hole in one of her pages.
“Well….he likes my cooking.”
“Well of course he does. He’s a pig.”
“Still a cute pig though.”
“But what do YOU like about him?”
“I guess….when he smiles?”
“The smile he makes when passing out detention slips or the one he makes when he tries to get someone else to fix a mistake he, himself, made?”
“His natural smile is charming.”
Reid furrowed her brow. “His natural smile? That’s it?”
Edith sheepishly covered her cheeks. “Well, when he makes it, it’s enough to brighten up a rainy day in the middle of April.”
“Aaaannnd you lost me. I don’t speak romance.” Reid said dismissively.
“Well, maybe you’ll get it when you get into dating.”
“Doubt it. I’ve seen enough Teen Dramas to cement my decision to stay single. My buck stops at my cozy little Friends-With-Benefits Zone.” Reid sighed.
“Aren’t you friends with Mr. Krupp too?”
“I’m not his friend,” Reid said as she snapped her notebook closed. “I’m the ‘New Sneedly’. Being his mole is only half the role, getting free coffee just so happened to be a little benefit I eeked out of him.”
Reid then started to make a creepy looking smile that Edith somehow never caught onto.
“But, there’s another half of the role to being the ‘New Sneedly’ that I’ve yet to fulfill before I graduate and I’m running out of precious time. I got big plans for this year and I managed to find a little tool to help carry them out. Turns out Mr. Ree somehow got it by mistake, but I was able to get it back and smooth things over.”
“Oh yeah! Speakin’ of coffee, I’ve been meanin’ to ask ya,” Edith said, completely ignoring Reid. “Do ya think ya can show me a thing or two about makin’ that good coffee I’ve been hearin’ about? Mr. Meaner says you’re pretty darn good at makin’ decaf tasty and I’ve always wanted to try makin’ it for myself.”
“Word spreads quickly, indeed,” Reid said as she put away her notebook and coolly adjusted her glasses. “Are you prepared to enter the world of gourmet coffee making? Are you willing to steep your way into a vast flavor tour taking you to Jamaica, Columbia, Kona, Arabica and beyond?”
“I don’t even know where those places are, but yeah I am!”
Reid postured herself with immense pride. “Then prepare to take notes!”
Reid handed over a scrap piece of paper from her notebook to Edith, along with a spare pencil.
“Alright, I’m ready!” Edith said hyping herself up.
“Okay! Here’s the secret to brewing good coffee!” Reid moved in closer to whisper to Edith and Edith started taking notes.
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It’s the end of the school day, and the bulk of the week went surprisingly without incident. Without the principal in the building, school seemed to go on smoothly.
Mr. Krupp, back at his house, had finished a total of what roughly felt like 100-ish rounds of “Mind Diving” for the entire week. Even more surprising, he was all the more determined to Mind Dive 100 more times.
If there was any improvement to be had, he would say that his backyard grass was starting to look a little greener. Off-green, but green enough.
As for his mind diving attempts, the whole experience kept alternating between a vertical jousting match—where any given part of the Alter Ego was just out of reach, and a game of chicken, where Krupp would forget that the laws of physics don’t always apply in his own head (meaning he would pull away right as he thought he was going to crash into his shadowy other self). And to add further insult to injury, there was one point where the Alter Ego faked out a high five.
Using his imagination is more complicated than he thought.
Mr. Krupp went into the kitchen to pick up what would be the final piece of Edith’s Spongecake-Cornbread Cake.
But then he ended up staring at it for a while.
It was the last piece of homemade cooking in the house before Edith makes him another surprise meal…whenever that would be.
In the meantime, he would likely go back to single-serve frozen TV dinners or even take-out.
And then endless evenings watching TV until bedtime…
Yeah….Take-out and TV dinners….with TV….
All of a sudden, Krupp felt like his evenings weren’t going to be as enjoyable anymore.
It’s one thing to try to buy something at the grocery store or a fast food joint….
…but having a home cooked meal made for him?
That brought something to his house that he couldn’t quite describe.
A sort of something that made his house feel more like a home.
It was one of the few things that made his life a little brighter.
Sure it wasn’t perfect all the time, but it mattered all the time.
It mattered to him that she would go the extra mile to make him meals with without asking for anything in return.
Because she cares for him.
She knows him and knows what he likes.
So Mr. Krupp couldn’t help but wonder….
Is he doing enough for her?
Should he be trying even harder?
Maybe he should stop trying too hard?
Quickly, Mr. Krupp rushed out to the backyard again to the still running sprinkler, and raised his hand.
Krupp was in freefall yet again. But he managed to stabilize himself rather quickly. this time by arching his back a bit. His arms and legs were splayed outwards as he focused on staying directly on top of his Alter Ego.
Just as it seemed as if it was about to move out of the way, Krupp quickly shifted his weight to stay directly on top of it.
Once he was sure that it wasn’t moving anymore, he closed his eyes and cleared his head.
This round, from this point forward he has to keep everything simple.
Today was the day. Krupp was going to find out his Alter Ego’s identity. Three torturous days of Mind Diving have built up to this moment.
That final bite of the Cornbread Cake he tasted felt like Edith was rooting for him.
It filled him with determination.
This is what he’s doing this for.
For a chance at a happy life with Edith.
For the next, completely normal, stay-at-home-and-cook-together date that Krupp hopes to have.
For all future home cooked meals that will welcome him home in the form of a re-microwaveable leftover!
For a second, a split second, maybe even a nanosecond….
He felt the sensation of cotton brushing against his palm. He immediately grabbed onto the fabric tied around the Alter Ego's neck, and pulled downward.
And when Krupp opened his eyes…
….he saw the Alter Ego’s annoying grin disappear.
The tumble back into the mindscape actually felt rough—and cramped— this time around.
Krupp felt himself being thrown out the EGO door with more force than usual. So much so that he nearly tumbled off the platform. Where pain didn’t really register before, he started to feel physical pain in his own psyche. Almost as if his repeated interception attempts seemed to catch up with him.
Krupp got back up on his hands and knees, holding firm to the scrap of cloth belonging to his Alter Ego.
“I got him….” He panted. “I got him, right!?”
The shroud of red started to fade away into red sparks of light, like fireflies, leaving what looked to him a torn piece of his office curtains.
“Yes you did, Big Ben,” Wiseguy said with a coy smirk. “He’s right over there.”
When Krupp looked up, he not only saw Wiseguy….but a third person, his alter ego, now no longer a mysterious shadow, but instead a pudgy bald guy, in under--weird white pants, and wearing a cape that wasn’t even long enough to cover him from the back.
“Well, that was a first!” The Alter Ego said as he brushed himself off. “I didn’t even think that other mysterious figure was even touchable!”
It was Krupp’s voice…but disturbingly cheerier and heroic.
“Care to explain, clowny side—oh! Well, hello there!”
The Alter Ego finally turned around to face Krupp, who was at a complete loss for words.
This Alter Ego looked like Krupp, was shaped like Krupp, was exactly what Krupp looked like without a toupee...
He couldn't describe it, but there was something that made his Alter Ego appear like a completely different person.
If Krupp even tried to dress in the exact same manner, he would only pass off as a poor imitation.
“Interesting! You look almost exactly like me, but grumpier! And with hair! But except with…ahem…clothes.”
“Did….DID YOU JUST CLOTHES-SHAME ME??”
“Certainly curious indeed, grumpy civilian! Is this a new friend of yours, Mr. Wiseguy?”
“More or less frenemies.” said Wiseguy.
“Enemies, definitely.” Krupp said with his arms crossed.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Krupp here’s been trying to drag you back down here for days, actually. He’s been dying to meet you!”
“NO! NO, I WASN’T!!” Krupp yelled.
“He’s actually pretty split between kicking you out of his head and asking you for help!”
“Sheesh! INTRUSIVE MUCH??”
“Well, who’s to say this isn’t MY head?” mused the Alter Ego.
“Oh-ho, no. NO! YOU DON’T GET PLAY THAT CARD WITH ME, YOU WEIRDO! This was MY BODY FIRST! I got 40-something years of miserable memories to prove it! Just who do you think you—-!?”
Krupp bit his lower lip, like he realized he said something he shouldn’t have said.
Something was bubbling up somewhere from under the waters around the mindscapes’ platform.
“What’s the matter Ben-Ben? You were about to ask something out of your Alter-Ego?”Wiseguy grinned.
Tiny bubbles started to boil around the platform.
Krupp’s eyes darted all around the mindscape and back to Wiseguy, and then at the Alter Ego and then looked away.
The Alter Ego’s innocently curious gaze just darted between Krupp and Wiseguy.
“You went through that entire training montage this past week. But what was it all for?”
“To get to the truth, of course!”
“But you got to it, so why are you hesitating now?”
Krupp refused to make any eye contact. He kept gritting his teeth behind his covered mouth.
There was silence. Except for the bubbles popping along water’s surface.
“Well, it sounded like this grumpy citizen was trying to ask me, ‘Just who do I think I was’, so why don’t I just introduce myself, then?” The Alter Ego chimed in, trying to break the tension.
“Well, you could. But if you did, that would pretty much ruin whole hype we’ve been trying to—“ But Wiseguy was suddenly interrupted by a blur rushing past him.
Krupp had lunged out to grab his Alter Ego by the cape with one hand, and covered its mouth with the other. He was panting harder than before. Wiseguy’s grin just grew even wider.
“So that’s how it is.” Wiseguy said like he found something out.
Krupp started sweating, an expression of shock growing on his face looking as if he was just found out.
“Mmfff mmff mmmm mfff mmm…..”The Alter Ego tried to say, but Krupp kept covering his mouth.
“Not another word.” Krupp seethed through his teeth.
The Alter Ego tried saying something again, and every time he did, bubbles kept welling up to the surface around the platform. The more there were, the more it started to sound like faint whispers. And the more it started to sound he could make out a single comprehensible word, another, much louder sound, boomed in the distance within the Dreamscape, saying “Don’t Remember”.
“You wanted to get to the truth only to bury it again. But that’s not the only thing.” Wiseguy said knowingly. “You wanted to get to it without knowing its name.”
“What of it?” Krupp laughed nervously. “This is what I want. It’s what I’ve been trying to do this whole time. I got you. So go away already!”
“But that isn’t exactly how it works. If you want to tell something to go away, you have to address it properly.”
“I KNOW THAT!” Krupp shouted. “But this is my head. This is all part of my mind, you know stuff. This weirdo, this OTHER ME, knows I’m referring to him, right??”
The Alter Ego calmly pushed Krupp away with a tiny push. But to the latter’s surprise, the push actually felt like a powerful shove.
“If we’re going to do this properly, then he should go ahead and introduce himself!” The Alter Ego said while brushing off his cape. “Can’t really call him ‘grumpy citizen’ ALL the time, should I? He did go through all the trouble.”
“YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHO I AM!” Krupp roared at his Alter Ego.
“That’s just it! I honestly don’t! You could be my secret identity for all I know, but I can never remember the name!” You look like you could be a grumpy old guy named ‘Crutch’ though….”
“IT’S KRUPP!!” Krupp finally snapped. “I am the principal of Jerome Horwitz Elementary. Principal Benjamin Krupp. This is MY BODY and I want you to just SHUT UP AND LEAVE!”
“Well, pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Krump! But as we are doing proper introductions, it is only fair that I introduce myself as well!”
“Ooooo, we’re getting to it! We’re getting into the big reveal!!” Wiseguy said with growing enthusiasm.
“Shut up…! Don’t say anything else!!”
But it was too late. The Alter-Ego started to assume a heroic looking pose.
More clusters of bubbles rose around the platform.
“I am the Greatest Superhero of All Time…”
“I just told you to shut up!” Krupp shouted.
Don’t remember. Don’t remember. Don’t Remember.
Don’t remember. Don’t remember. Don’t Remember!
“…and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony!”
“FOR THE LOVE OF ALL SANITY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING ELSE!!”
Krupp quickly tried to cover his ears, but since this was inside his head, doing so didn’t really do anything.
The atmosphere in the mindscape turned into a full blown storm of thousands of voices screaming, begging, crying out for the Alter Ego to shut up.
“TRA-LA-LAAA!! I am the Amazing Captain Underpants!!”
The storm suddenly stopped then quickly launched a flood of lightning bolts everywhere.
Krupp started breathing faster. Loud echos of Krupp’s inner voice resonated throughout the mindscape in a crescendo accumulating into an earth-shattering sonic boom.
Krupp’s proverbial world shifted and started to crash all around him all at once.
