i'm silly but breakable @sillybutbreakable - Tumblr Blog

i just want to be tucked into idk. A huge basket of blankets. Or like…a tub of rice. Tucked/buried snug and then rocked until nothing matters anymore. And no one asks anything of me and I don’t have to say anything and I can just be tucked tight and rocked and silent and close my eyes and stay like that for as long as i want

#just….desperate for some kind of comfort….some kind of relief….i want it so bad…so so bad….#just want to feel anything else besides this…

sounds are kinda pissing me off....roommate chewing as i'm working for some reason is really irritating rn

i'm not usually that bothered by chewing sounds. maybe its bc i'm trying to work? idk

but i aa\lso get irrationally mad when i struggle to swallow pills. or more like...frustrated...so frustrated i want to cry...or like....throw a tantrum....

my hands are sensitive to pain. it leads to being very very frustrated when i cant open things

i have trouble focusing in movie theaters. i kinda zone out...or get too body focused and needing to fidget my shoulder. a lot of times i start daydreaming about something else while half-watching the screen

i really just...need time to pause for a second so i can catch some rest. i just need everything to stop for a second. i dont have to talk to anyone for as long as i want. i can do what i want. i cant keep up. and i feel bad when i cant answer people in a timely manner. i just need time to pause so that i can just....recharge.....before i have to interact with people again

#responsibilities...i need it to pause....;et me rest please

i feel like vomitting and crying all the time but it’s all plugged up and dried up and clogged and

I don’t know how to look forward to things. I’m just tired

i just feel so indifferent about everything. Consequences mean absolutely zero. Why go to sleep early. Why shower today. Why eat those leftovers. Why finish cleaning before my parents get here. I’ll get to it tomorrow. Or next month. Time keeps going anyway. I just feel unable to conceptualize the future and link future outcomes with certain responsibilities. I have no goals. I’m walking forward but holding a sheet of drywall is in front of my face

I

i like watching bodycam footage because i'm so interested in the words that people say when they're in these stressful situations. Very impressed that they can be so eloquent and can process the information IN THAT MOMENT. I think because I struggle to string observations into thoughts into sentences, i'm just amazed that people have such a vast bank of sentences that they can just....SAY things. how do they know what words to string together?? how do they know so many phrases to use? they're just like this all the time.

I daydream while watching movies in a theatre. i think because i'm self-conscious and very focused on how my body is sitting. i still technically am "watching" the movie...but in certain moments my mind just starts drifting

i avoid answering chats/texts without thinking.

i feel like i'm barely hangin on and barely getting through the things i'm supposed to get done this week. and i'm just hangin on by my fingers. but no one at work would know. and i dont think my parents would know. i just feel like i cant keep up at all

when i smell something i dont know what it is, i can't rest until i figure out where the smell is coming from.

i do pretend to listen because i get stuck thinking about one singular thing that someone talked about. and i want to contribute to the conversation by saying that thing. but the conversation has moved on.

i also cant judge when to end a conversation. a lot of times i want to end it sooner (especially with strangers) but as soon as I leave the convo, i get the vibe that i left too soon and came across as rude.

i dont really know who i am. i dont know who the real me is. i dont know who i am when i'm not just...doing the things i'm obligated to do.

i keep forgetting to take my meds because i feel like i cant take them until i do this *other* *more important* task gets done

but then i just end up barely getting through the more important task and completely put off taking the meds until its too late

i lost some stickers during the move and i only just realized today. i became so so so distressed about it. i can't focus on relaxing after work. i'm supposed to be clearing my closet for a furniture delivery, but i can't stop stressing about where those stickers are. it makes my skin feel bad. i feel like i need to squirm because i get so frustrated that i don't know where it is. i feel sick to my stomach even just typing about it right now.

i can't stop thinking that i somehow threw them out by accident and they'll never turn up. i need to find them so that my brain can stop wondering about it. it can't relaz until it knows for SURE that its gone or not. eeeeeuuughhhhh. i want SO BAD to tear my room apart and go through every single inch of my belongings to see where it is. but i'm telling myself to not do that. and its just making me feel slightly nauseous.

#i find i will have disproportionate responses to stuff like this.#or another recent example: every so often i struggle to take my pills and it makes me so so SO upset #i feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum- thats how upset i feel on the inside #like...i start squirming in that same way that children do when they're frustrated #also i dont know if this is related but- sometimes if i smell something and i don't know what the smell is coming from- i cant relax until #i've sniffed around the room and figured out where the smell was coming from.

as a kid i had a few fantasies i would think about at night. turning into a rock and just being a rock forever. time pausing so i could move comfortably through the world. vanishing completely, never existing in the first place, completely and truly forgotten bc my existence has been erased. so i wouldnt be missed. so i could disappear quietly without affecting anyone. without bothering anyone.

i feel bad for that kid. that i didnt fix it. that its all still broken in me

"i should be gone" keeps echoing in my head. seeps into the cracks of my day

i just feel like i do everything wrong. i exist wrong. i leave every conversation feeling like i did it wrong. i leave therapy and think i did not say the right things. i feel like i would leave a crisis hotline and think that i said it all wrong.

#im too stressed out to talk to a crisis hotline bc i dont know what to say #i want to have a script of what to say like i do with other phone conversations #i want to see an example of a crisis hotline interaction so i understand how it should go #i need a blueprint to know how to do things

I just………I feel like im not allowed to talk or interact with anyone bc I don’t belong here. Bc I don’t belong anywhere

cried a lot yesterday…had a lot of the ‘i can’t do it’ ‘i don’t belong anywhere’ ‘i should be gone’ ‘im supposed to be severed away from the world’. So. Not great. felt like an idiot for still getting so upset by it. Felt like im not supposed to be a part of anything. That im floating away.

Today…still on my period. Still low mood. Cried a little bit. My sensory problems are going haywire. I got dressed and like five minutes later i had to take off my shirt and bra bc they were driving me crazy

my existence feels wrong

#like i dont exist correctly #ok so...i forgot to talk my extra sertraline today....idk if it would have made today easier #i'll take the increased pmdd dose tomorrow.....lets see if it makes a difference #also maybe....no coffee tomorrow...

the social phobia got better and worse somehow

#certain things make me sick to my stomach #and...right now....its the pool #and...talking casually to anyone #feel sick with fear #or maybe it was never good. maybe i just didnt even recognize i was scared when i do those actions #like when i'll divert my path just to avoid walking past someone. on the surface it doesn't feel like fear #i just...it just feels instinctual. the decision happens so fast that i barely think about it when it happens.#its like a mini-panic decision..

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i'm silly but breakable