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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
YOU ARE THE REASON
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Misplaced Lens Cap
Not today Justin
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@sillybutbreakable
i just want to be tucked into idk. A huge basket of blankets. Or like…a tub of rice. Tucked/buried snug and then rocked until nothing matters anymore. And no one asks anything of me and I don’t have to say anything and I can just be tucked tight and rocked and silent and close my eyes and stay like that for as long as i want
i lost some stickers during the move and i only just realized today. i became so so so distressed about it. i can't focus on relaxing after work. i'm supposed to be clearing my closet for a furniture delivery, but i can't stop stressing about where those stickers are. it makes my skin feel bad. i feel like i need to squirm because i get so frustrated that i don't know where it is. i feel sick to my stomach even just typing about it right now.
i can't stop thinking that i somehow threw them out by accident and they'll never turn up. i need to find them so that my brain can stop wondering about it. it can't relaz until it knows for SURE that its gone or not. eeeeeuuughhhhh. i want SO BAD to tear my room apart and go through every single inch of my belongings to see where it is. but i'm telling myself to not do that. and its just making me feel slightly nauseous.
as a kid i had a few fantasies i would think about at night. turning into a rock and just being a rock forever. time pausing so i could move comfortably through the world. vanishing completely, never existing in the first place, completely and truly forgotten bc my existence has been erased. so i wouldnt be missed. so i could disappear quietly without affecting anyone. without bothering anyone.
i feel bad for that kid. that i didnt fix it. that its all still broken in me
"i should be gone" keeps echoing in my head. seeps into the cracks of my day
i just feel like i do everything wrong. i exist wrong. i leave every conversation feeling like i did it wrong. i leave therapy and think i did not say the right things. i feel like i would leave a crisis hotline and think that i said it all wrong.
I just………I feel like im not allowed to talk or interact with anyone bc I don’t belong here. Bc I don’t belong anywhere
cried a lot yesterday…had a lot of the ‘i can’t do it’ ‘i don’t belong anywhere’ ‘i should be gone’ ‘im supposed to be severed away from the world’. So. Not great. felt like an idiot for still getting so upset by it. Felt like im not supposed to be a part of anything. That im floating away.
Today…still on my period. Still low mood. Cried a little bit. My sensory problems are going haywire. I got dressed and like five minutes later i had to take off my shirt and bra bc they were driving me crazy
my existence feels wrong
the social phobia got better and worse somehow
i always take forever to respond to open-ended texts? or texts from friends/family. and i dont know why. i'll see the text, and then think, 'i'll answer them later'. sometimes i think i'm anxious/apprehensive of having a conversation. i've been like this since i was little. answering emails from people was so intimidating. but...i dont know why i'm like this with friends and family. I don't know if its because the text is open ended? Or maybe it alluds to having to do something else and the something else just seems mentally taxing so i avoid it. Or maybe i just get nervous because i dont know where the conversation is gonna go.
i've been putting off texting our repair guy about swinging by to pick fruits. and i dont know why. anxious...
and usually when i finally do send the text, its more of a 'okay i got it over with' feeling. :/
i feel like i've been severed from the world... because i'm a sceptic thing that needs to be removed. completely and totally. so that i dont spread to anything else
through lots of trial and error, i think ive discovered that the most self-soothing thing i could say to myself is, "it hurts a lot and you still tried so hard. You're still trying so hard. And i know, i know you are working so so hard, it takes everything you have in you to get through it. And its so painful and exhausting and still you try"
i think... i just want it acknowledged that i'm trying. so hard. everyday. is that selfish...? to want someone to say that they know i'm trying so so hard. using everything i have in me to make it through. i think, i like to be told i'm doing a good job. that i'm doing a good job trying.
i feel like every task i complete and every chore i do, nothing feels like an accomplishment. i just feel like i'm doing things. theres no reward feeling. its just something thats done. and then i have to move on to the next hollow task.
the world is for everyone else- not me. doesnt even make me upset anymore. just feels like truth
i fear that i cant be the person that everyone needs me to be. reliable, talented, friendly, happy, helpful- i fear i can't. i fear the only thing i have to offer is nothing.
i'm so out of it today that i when i used the toilet, i sat there and folded toilet paper pieces in half and just dropped them into the bowl without wiping. TWICE.
i feel like i'm not trying hard enough to get better. which also makes me upset..