(This is a whole lotta trigger warnings yโall)
Itโs probably not healthy for me to be back on here but here I am. Itโs quiet and no one knows me, and those who do donโt check their account anymore.
I... donโt know if I can do this anymore. Everyone says Iโm so strong and can get thru this but can I? Iโve been having non stop panic attacks/anxiety attacks since Iโve lost my apartment back in February due to a natural disaster. I had to go to the ER this weekend because it got so bad I thought I was dying, like forreal dying. I donโt have the money for any of that, for any of this. My mother and my boyfriend lost sleep and valuable time over me. I try to take control I really do but I canโt. I just canโt! Iโm always in pain and Iโm always feel like Iโm dying, the toll it has taken on me is draining me to my last battery. I hate inconveniencing people that I love and making them loose sleep over me. I feel like such a waste of space, time, resources, and love.
Iโm broken. I know this.
Iโve been thinking about hurting myself again... itโs an addiction I can never get over but goddess does it make me feel good. I have control over it.
I want to be alone, but Iโm scared Iโll die alone.
I want to run away, but Iโve met the love of my life and I canโt leave him like that. Or my family.
All I do is misstep. All I do is annoy. Get angry, cry for no reason, snap, isolate.
Iโm stuck in a time between wanting to fall into the deep hole and having my fingers hold so tight onto the edge. I want to be better, itโs all I crave but I canโt seem to find it for long and itโs so goddamn heartbreaking.
What do you even talk about in therapy? Iโve gone so many times, so many goddamn times. Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I the one who brings misery and hate not only to myself, but others?
Again, is this all even worth it? To exist in this body, to go thru this time. I want to fast forward. I want to be the strong person I can be, to be crave life, to have fun, to not panic and cry to my mother or boyfriend.
I just want to live again and it feels like I never will.
amandla
stormborns
yousharknotpass
areudirty
titsay
