it was never his intention to be the lightwoods’ charity case. he’d been only seven when alec’s parents had found him hiding away in a closet after one of his mother’s drunken fits. she’d launched bottle after bottle at the other side of the door while screaming at him in between loud sobs, telling him how much she regretted his existence; that he should’ve never been born. they’d heard it all and didn’t waste any time in bringing him into their home for the night; or the following nights after that. the plan was to call child services and send him to a foster home, but seven year old jace didn’t want to leave his friends, his home, or even his alcoholic mother behind. she’d still have good days every now and then, and he needed to be there for those. he hoped that one day he’d wake up from the nightmare that was his childhood and she would finally pick him over her addiction.
that day never came. though he did have alec as well as izzy to help him chase away his nightmares. he was a handful and already too smart for his own good, and still, he was welcomed into their picture perfect family as though he was one of their own; a lightwood. he’d never forget the day his first grade teacher had taken attendance and called for a ‘ jace lightwood ’. at first, he’d assumed someone had been pranking him ––– a very cruel prank at that. though it only took one glance at izzy who sat a couple rows over to see that she was beaming and practically bouncing from her chair. that was the day he’d fully embraced his new family.
there were several reasons why alec’s words had been like twisting a blade in his already injured heart. the elder male knew how much it bothered him to be treated as if he were a victim; it was all he never hoped to be and all he always had been; at least in alec’s eyes it seemed. and then he had to drive the knife deeper by referring to him by his mother’s name. a name that was a reminder of all the awful things that made him into who he was today. steel blues stung at that moment, though nothing could’ve prepared him for alec’s final words. he felt instantly betrayed. worst ––– abandoned all over again.
❛ it doesn’t work like that, ❜ a tense smile on his lips as he held the other’s gaze. he didn’t have the energy to fight back; not after the sleepless nights he’d spent at the hospital as well as in this very house. whenever he wasn’t obsessing over max’s condition and attempting to find a way to fix him, he laid in bed wondering if his brother was also consumed by thoughts of him whenever he found himself lying awake in the dark; if the night they’d spent together all those years ago haunted his very existence like it did him. judging from his words, that didn’t seem to be the case. ❛ if it bothers you that much i’ll stay somewhere else. ❜ the words pained him, though he refused to allow alec to see it. in fact, his response sounded almost casual. he no longer wanted to be a victim in his eyes. ❛ this is your family; i’m not here to complicate your life, alec. and i’m sure maryse won’t mind keeping me up to date on everything. ❜
ALEC HAD always tried to be the perfect son but his real talent had been in the role of a big brother, a protector. He’d known Jace since the boy was a toddler but he hadn’t really known anything about him until the night his parents had rushed next door and come back with him. He remembers his parents letting him and Izzy stay up all night in the living room with Jace watching movies, as if it was a normal sleepover, while they talked in hushed tones in the kitchen. That night Alec had made a promise to protect Jace from then on out, Izzy had followed suit with a similar promise.
Protecting people was what he was good at but something about Jace had always made him feel a little helpless. He couldn’t guard him from the damage already done or protect him from his emotions but he could try to prevent any further pain, he’d made a decision to become his brother’s keeper. He’d gotten up early one day, walked himself to school and demanded to speak to Jace’s teacher at only eleven years old without his parent's knowledge, only Izzy had known of is plans. He’d left no room for question when stating that Jace no longer went by Wayland in a no nonsense tone and a refusal to leave until he got a promise that he’d be called Lightwood from now on. This was how he could protect Jace and his heart.
Victim wasn’t a word Alec would have used to describe Jace before everything went to shit, no he used to see him as a survivor, hell he didn’t even see him as a victim now ( he just wanted to hurt him, some protector he turned out to be ). As something so unbreakably strong, as something Alec would never be ( or ever have ). From a young age, Alec had always thought of Jace as the SUN, as something golden and beautiful, fiercely burning for everyone to see. Jace was still the sun but now it was more for the fact that getting too close wasn’t smart, Alec had been foolish like Icarus once and like Icarus all the sun had done for him was aid him on his fall.
He only holds his gaze a moment longer before he has to look away, it all felt so surreal. Standing here in his mother’s kitchen with the boy who had become part of how he defined home and all of how he defined heartbreak while his little brother, his ACTUAL brother, was in the hospital. Helplessness threatened to drown him again, he hated being so useless, there was nothing he could do to fix Max - his hands are fists that shake so subtly at his sides while he fights off the tide in his lungs. Everything had seemed to happen all at once, his parent’s divorce, Max’s condition and this homecoming. He wasn’t so angry and stubborn and horrible that he would have avoided coming home for Max just because Jace was going to be here, and as terrible as it sounds this anger towards Jace may just be the only thing keeping him from drowning.
He hates Jace for his calmness about all of it. He could never read him like this, knows there have been times that his casualness was a cover for pain but he wasn’t good at calling his bluffs ( he thinks he might have been once, a long time ago ). And he hates himself for the way his heart drops when Jace deems this unworthy of further argument, he’s never known Jace to give up a fight for something he truly cares about. He hates that it hurts as if it isn’t an old wound as if he hadn’t known from the moment he woke up alone years ago that Jace didn’t really care about him, at least not in the way Alec had wanted him to.
“ As far as mom and Izzy know there’s nothing wrong here,
so I don’t think either of them would appreciate you going
somewhere else. Besides, why would you stay anywhere
buthome ? Look I may not see you as my brother anymore
but that doesn’t make them any less your family or you theirs
or this any less your home too. You belong here as much as
the rest of us. ”
You just don’t belong here with me.
Even after all this time he’s still weak when it comes to Jace, hiding behind his mom and sister as reasons for Jace to stay when he knows in the back of his mind he isn’t ready to say goodbye just yet, even if he keeps telling himself and Jace that he’s done with him. He hopes maybe he’ll actually mean it someday. He’s so tired as if his body just suddenly remembered that he hasn’t slept more than a handful of hours all week. And he’s done fighting for the night, considering Jace doesn’t find him important enough to fight with or fight for he isn’t going to waste his energy on it either. He lightly taps his knuckles against a countertop and looks behind him, out into the hall and at the stairs deciding that maybe now was the time to take his leave. He’ll give it another minute, hear what dumb shit Jace has to say that he knows he’ll be up all night thinking and getting angry about.
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