Stages of Regret ( Chapter 4)
After a disastrous Christmas party. Nesta Archeron decided to leave behind her old life, to start anew. Now a year and a half later. Her past has come back to haunt her.
Her mother had insisted that the success of any party relied on three key elements.
First and foremost was food. Any dish served must be delicious and memorable. Plated to perfection. The palette always remembered. As well as the eyes.
Next were the guests. All in attendance should be of appropriate status. Any riff-raff or social outcasts permitted entry, would only poison the event. Bringing about unfavorable gossip.
Then, finally, was the decor. It must speak for itself. Announcing the theme through colors and conversation pieces.
All three required meticulous tailoring. To complement the event at hand. Deviation of any kind would throw the entire gathering into chaos. Thus making a mockery of the host. Which in high Society, was considered a death sentence. Nesta had accepted the fact that Evie’s party was already chaos though. As it only met one out of three required elements. In all honesty. She wouldn't have it any other way. All the balls and parties she attended as a child were suffocating and cold. There was no personality to them, no coziness.
Nesta did not care about plating, never had. Thought it a waste of time. The food would be delicious and memorable though. Cubans and Scachatta were always crowd pleasers. Plus, with her daughter being the picky eater she was. Living off turkey, strawberries, and cheese alone some days. The cubans would provide most of that. The two cakes were made by the ones who made her favorite chocolate croissants. They jumped at the opportunity. It was family owned, and she knew they cared about their work. Any business Nesta could give them, she gladly would.
All the guests were quite literally all riff-raff, and social outcasts. Not one of them held any high standing in society. Emerie’s family hated her for not selling them the shop her father owned. Thought her being a woman made her less capable to run it. She was seen as a pariah. Gwyn was agoraphobic. For good reason too. The only time she left their building was to be at the hospital with Nesta. When she gave birth. Though, even then she only stayed a few hours after. Cassian grew up in poverty. After his father abandoned him and his mother. Azriel’s father was somewhat of high standing. But, cared very little for his son. As he was born out of wedlock. He was a bastard. Just as Cassian was. Society frowned upon that title still.
Then there was herself. An ex socialite that had been raised by a narcissistic mother, and grandmother. As well as an absent father. Who turned his head at the abuse his wife and mother in law inflicted on his children. After they lost their money the Archerons were cast aside. Mocked by those they once thought friends.
Finally, there was the decor. It more than announced the theme. It screamed it, very loudly. Nesta’s neutral color scheme of cobalt and silver had been smothered beneath the pink invasion Evie insisted upon. They didn't stand a chance against the Candy Pink streamers that adorned every wall. They lost any will to fight when she and Gwyn hung the sparkling Magenta lanterns from the ceiling. Getting popcorn ceiling in her eye just added insult to injury. They’d been put six feet under with every Fucia, Cherry Blossom, and ballet slipper balloon set tied to any, and every surface of the apartment. The decor announced the theme alright. Anyone who walked in would have no doubt in their mind. That this was a Pink Party.
Nesta blamed Cassian for the excess decor, as well as the varying shades. It had been his grand idea to let Evie pick out her own decorations. Nesta found herself unable to say no. When her daughter seemed to be a fan of the idea. So out the window went Nesta’s plan to keep it one organized color.
Aisle after aisle, their cart had filled up. Cassian joked that her eye twitch had returned with a vengeance at one point. He laughed when she swatted his arm. It was evident that his favorite game still remained Let’s piss Nesta off.
If it was pink, Evie wanted it. If it was within her line of sight and pink. Evie really wanted it. If she could grab it, and it was pink, Evie already had it in her hands.
When they finally had all the supplies they needed. Plenty they didn’t need too. Including a mini sequin chandelier. That Cassian had pointed out. The same one that her daughter currently refused to let her hang. According to her, it made a much better centerpiece. So on the table, it sat. Looking like a bedazzled jellyfish. Out of place, and casting rainbows along the walls.
Cassian had gushed about the party to the cashier when asked if they found everything alright. The young woman behind the till had shown more interest in him. Then any of the words he was saying though. The blush that had crept up the woman’s cheeks had only spread as Cassian continued. Multiple barcodes were missed. Including one, mini sequin chandelier. When Cassian pointed this out. The woman had simply stated that it was on the house. Still, Cassian insisted on paying for them. Nesta could’ve sworn she’d heard the words lucky bitch whispered as they left. But only met a friendly smile when she turned around.
He struck again with the idea of letting Evie pick her birthday outfit. Even if Nesta had a problem with it, which she hadn’t. She wouldn’t have had a choice in the matter. As the second Evie pulled the awful mess of fluff from the rack that Cassian got close to. That was it. Attempting to separate the two ended in screaming. When Nesta pulled off the tag to pay for the god awful thing. Because she nor Cassian could pry, or sweet talk the dress from their daughter’s hands. That also resulted in screaming.
Unshockingly, Cassian took his daughter becoming a pterodactyl in stride. Evie had no doubt inherited Nesta’s fire. But, just as he knew how to quell the fire within herself. Cassian did so with their daughters as well. It amazed Nesta how he could temper those flames. Yet, not extinguish them. It was as if he liked the burn, embraced it even. He was nothing short of masochistic. Nesta was certain of this.
When three loud knocks sounded on her door. Evie, who sat playing with her toys turned towards the noise, then looked at Nesta expectantly. Nesta felt the smile bloom on her face. Her voice took on a light and playful tone. One she reserved only for Evie.
“ Is that Daddy and Uncle Az?” Cassian had texted a few minutes prior. Letting her know he and Azriel were close. Following Nesta’s lead. Evie dropped her toys, now making her way toward the door. Nesta chuckled at the disgruntled wail that echoed behind her. “Well, come on then.”
In the very short amount of time Evie had spent with Cassian. She seemed to realize he was her father. Nesta couldn’t place how she knew this. Maybe it was mothers intuition. If that was even a real thing.
Evie wanted to be in his space, just as she wanted to be in Nesta’s. In fact, she demanded it, forcing herself into his presence at every opportunity. The way she plucked the phone out of his hand a few days ago. Discarding it onto the floor. Still made Nesta laugh. In Evie’s opinion, it had been taking up too much of his time. A whole ten seconds had passed, and he still hadn’t picked her up. It was blasphemy.
Nesta would never forget returning home one morning. To find Evie sound asleep on Cassian’s naked chest. Who had dozed off himself. His hand gently holding their daughter to him. She’d found one of her baby books opened on the kitchen table. Opened to a page explaining skin to skin contact. She had watched as her daughter rose and fell with Cassian’s breathing. The sight made her heart happy. Nesta may have watched for a few more seconds before taking Evie to her crib and placing a warmer blanket over Cassian.
Upon opening the door. That sweet image so fresh in her mind was replaced with another image. A much brighter, obnoxious one. Nesta fought to control her facial muscles, from conveying her innermost thoughts. A battle she won. As she eyed the two men standing in front of her.
Both Cassian and Azriel wore the same button-up shirt. Its shade of pink so bright. It was best described as a neon highlighter. You could easily direct traffic with it. The only difference was the dark blue jeans Cassian had paired his with and the black jeans Azriel had chosen.
Azriel hadn't changed much. His hair was a bit longer than she remembered. Its ends curling outward a bit. That air of mystery still hung about him though. It clung to him like a shadow. His expression was damn near unreadable. It always had been. Nesta learned quickly that Azriel’s true feelings only showed if he wanted them to. The bags he held indicated he’d been assigned gift duty. Cassian stood there smiling over the platters she’d asked him to pick up. The cakes from the bakery also balanced in his arms.
“You two look,” Nesta paused, trying to find the right word. “Noticeable. Are you going for twinsies?” She moved aside to allow them entry.
Cassian entered first. Making his way toward the kitchen. “ Watch out, goblin underfoot.” Nesta announced. Azriel cocked his head at the outburst. No doubt confused at the statement. Cassian simply halted and scanned the area. Grinning when he caught sight of Evie.“ Hey, Birthday girl. Give Daddy one second.” She sped up her pace. Which gave him half a second at most.
Nesta watched as Azriel observed the scene. Cassian had told her that Azriel was ecstatic to be an uncle. Even if he didn’t have the most expressive way of showing it. Azriel turned, catching Nesta. He gave her a small smile. One she returned. A smile was a good start.
“ I was told my attire would be taken care of. I shouldn’t have trusted him.” He nodded to Cassian, who scoffed a laugh.
“ Pink is Pink Az, deal with it. Besides, It’s not your day”
Azriel motioned to Nesta.” Her pink isn’t blinding in the least. Tell me, Nesta, are there spots in your vision yet?” Her dusty Pink off-shoulder top gave a sweet and demure feel. It may have felt out of place for her. But, It sure as hell was better than whatever monstrosity Cassian and Azriel had on.
Cassian ignored him as he began positioning the platters near the drinks, and other various snacks she’d put out. As he did. A flash of Pink caught Nesta’s eye. “ Is that a ribbon in your hair?” she questioned. Try as she might, she couldn’t fully suppress the giggle that fought to escape. There, wrapped around his bun was a ribbon. A sparkly pink, ribbon.
Cassian turned around, his smile beaming. Unabashed, and unafraid he spoke. “ It is. You said it was a Pink party right?”. He bent to pick up Evie. Who impatiently had begun pulling at his shoelaces. She giggled when he peppered her cheek with kisses. Basking in the affection she loved so much.
Azriel’s gaze snagged on the little girl once again. This time, his expression was nothing short of adoration.“ He saw it in the window of the boutique downstairs.” So it was a new addition. Not one that would last long though if Evie caught sight of it.
When he finished in the kitchen. Cassian made his way to where Nesta and Azriel stood. “ I think some introductions are in order. Az, this is Evie, your niece.” He pointed to Azriel. “ Evie, this is your Uncle Az.”
Azriel gave the appearance of someone unaware of what to do. He watched as Evie took him in. She paid special attention to his face and eyes. Recognizing them as her own. As well as Cassian’s.
After a moment Azriel dipped a low bow. “ She’s even more beautiful in person.”
Within seconds, Evie was careening out of Cassian’s grip. Half of her body had fallen before Cassian caught her. Quickly pulling her back to safety. Both she and Azriel had moved forward ready to catch her. Evie, though, appeared unbothered. As she thrust her arms out toward Azriel. The rest of her body now being held back.
Azriel looked petrified. It was almost comical. Big shot private detective, scared of a baby. Nesta wondered if he ever held a baby before. He probably hadn’t, which would make his trepidation understandable. Even she was afraid to hold her own baby that first day. So afraid of breaking her somehow. So she did what Emerie and Gwyn did for her. Nesta gave him a little push. “She wants you to hold her.” She whispered. Placing her hand on his back and ushering him forward. Closer to where Cassian and Evie stood. And he let her, didn’t fight in the slightest.
Azriel had fully frozen in place. When Cassian transferred Evie to him. Evie, on the other hand. Made herself right at home. For a good few seconds, she stared at his face again. This time due to a closer proximity. Her hand gently touched his nose, and under his eyes. Azriel in turn seemed to take her In too.
An easy silence had fallen over the room. Both herself and Cassian just watched the tender exchange. Evie soon started tugging lightly on the fabric of his shirt, comparing it to her own dress. The sight was bittersweet for Nesta. Evie was officially no longer just hers or Cassian’s. Soon her family would grow even larger. From the looks of it. She didn’t mind it.
Azriel took in the pink iridescent fabric of Evie’s dress. His eyebrow arched. He looked to Nesta. “ And you thought we were an eyesore?” He teased. His posture becoming more relaxed by the second. Nesta threw him a smirk. “ You still are. She’s just a cuter one.” He chuckled, “ You got me there.” Cassian nodded in agreement. His mouth full of a cuban he swiped from the kitchen.
It was at that moment Nesta noticed something. Azriel wasn’t wearing his gloves. He’d always worn them to cover the scars that marred his hands. Results of a cruel prank his half-brothers had played on him in his childhood. Only around his friends and family did he discard them. Their absence was most likely due to Cassian and Evie. His smiles weren’t truly meant for her. But, for them. She just knew it. So she would play along.
“ Where’d the little bit from the bottom go?” Cassian asked, as he too examined Evie’s dress.
Nesta thought about the dark pink tulle she had cut off an hour earlier. Good riddance. “ Your daughter kept trying to eat the rhinestones on it.”
“You mean our daughter.” Cassian shot back.
Nesta crossed her arms. Shifting her weight to one side. “ No, I mean your daughter. That was a Cassian move.”
“ I think even baby Nesta Archeron tried to eat things she shouldn’t have. Don’t you agree Az?”
Nesta turned to Azriel. Who now looked between her and Cassian. But, Before he could respond. The front door swung open. Gwyn and Emerie had arrived. Azriel let out an audible breath as she made her way between the two men.
Emerie stepped in wearing a simple pink tank top and jeans. Gwyn, on the other hand, wore a black long-sleeved blouse, paired with a flowing pink skirt. Stopping just short of her ankles. Nesta eyed Gwyn. “ The fifties called. They want their outfit back.”
Emerie snorted at this. Gwyn let out a laugh “ They’ll have to fight me for it.”
Gwyn’s laugh rang through the apartment. It reminded Nesta of a windchime, whimsical, and delicate. A deception if you asked her. Gwyn held her own exceedingly well. If Nesta was a wolf, then Gwyn was a Honey Badger.
“ Hey, how about you bring that party over here?” Cassian shouted from behind her. He’d been keen on meeting the two girls who Nesta considered sisters. The girls gladly obliged. Each pressing a kiss to her cheek as they passed.
Emerie reached Evie first. Throwing a wink in Gwyn’s direction. Who had been nudged out of the way. “Happy Birthday! You look radiant today.”
“ She looks radiant everyday, Em.” Gwyn cut in. Both now crowding around Azriel. Whose presence they didn’t seem to notice. Though, he definitely noticed theirs. Looked at them like sharks circling their prey. Which at this moment Nesta could understand.“ You always look so cute” Gwyn said affectionately. Tickling Evie’s stomach. Cassian seemed to find this whole exchange hilarious. As his grin widened more and more by the second.“ I’m going to assume you’re Gwyn and Emerie then?”
Nesta cleared her throat. “So, the man holding your target is Azriel. Next to him. Is his brother Cassian.” Both girls stopped, and looked between the men. Their eyes slightly widening at the sheer brightness of them. Of course they hadn’t noticed them.
Gwyn was the first to move. Positioning herself sideways between the two men. She thrust both hands out, palms open. Ready to receive handshakes. “ Hi, I’m Gwyn, Nesta’s friend. I’ve heard so much about both of you. ”
Without hesitation, Cassian reached out and shook her hand. Which ended up shaking Gwyn too. “Pleasure to meet you. Hopefully, you’ve heard all good things. ” Gwyn shrugged, a secret smile playing on her lips. She next turned her attention to Azriel who had yet to move. Whether it be out of fear, or awkwardness. Gwyn’s eyes twinkled. Nesta could see the gears turning. “ Are you more of a high-five kind of guy?” She asked, raising her hand to a vertical position. Evie babbled at Azriel. Pointing to Gwyn. Almost urging him to reciprocate.
After a few moments, Azriel extended his free hand to meet Gwyn’s “ Handshakes are just fine. It’s Nice to meet you.”
“ Always so dramatic, Hi, I’m Emerie.” Reaching out she shook both men’s hands “ It’s nice to meet the faces behind the names.”
After pleasantries were exchanged. Cassian expedited the food portion. Just as Nesta had assumed, he had snuck a few scachatta on the way over. A fact he didn’t bother denying. Stating he needed a power snack. Evie had taken to lap hoping. Each time taking a piece of cheese, or turkey from her victim’s cuban. Juice and water were also free for all. What's theirs was hers. Poor Azriel had the entirety of his cuban taken. No one griped at the loss though. There was plenty to go around. Nesta had planned for this situation.
Cassian told the story of the shirts. How Azriel had gone out to find some and failed. Which led to him coming across the ones they currently wore.
Cassian as usual brought laughter into the room. Her friends had found his stories funny. Neither he or Azriel brought up the Inner Circle. Maybe it was for her benefit, or just because they wouldn’t fit in this context. Whatever the reason was. It didn’t matter. Nesta was grateful.
The worry Nesta felt had slowly started to dissipate as the evening progressed. Everyone seemed to be getting along fine. Gwyn had finally pulled out her polaroid camera. Taking pictures of anything she thought needed documenting. Including, but not limited to Evie yanking down on Emeries braid, Azriel getting food stolen from his own hand, and Cassian attempting to hang the little chandelier on the table, against the warnings. As time passed though. Evie started to fuss. Her toys no longer amused her, nor did sitting on anyone’s lap. A clear indication that it was time for cake.
Evie’s cake was small. Very simple in design. Pink of course. Nesta had even asked to add edible glitter to the frosting in an attempt to pull attention to it. A ploy that paid off. Her daughter was entranced. Watched it like a dragon would its treasures.
Nesta had learned from her co workers That parents would get their children small personal cakes. That solely existed to get ruined. A foreign concept to her. In no world would her parents have ever allowed such a thing. Paying for something. Just to be destroyed would’ve been seen as frivolous.
From the pictures she’d been shown. It seemed like a fun thing to do. She wanted to see Evie smile like that. So while the adults got their own cake. Evie was given her very own too.
Unfortunately, between the singing, and the sparkling pastry in front of her. Evie seemed more confused than anything. She had shown mild curiosity with the candle, and the flame that had danced on top of it. Then looked offended when Cassian had blown it out for her. At this moment Nesta didn’t know what to do.
Lucky for her, Cassian seemed to know exactly what needed to happen. Like a warrior walking into battle. He approached the high chair. The ribbon in his hair bouncing slightly as he moved. The little girl’s eyes followed his every step.
“ Let me show you this is done.” Cassian said, now behind Evie. Grabbing both her hands he positioned them above the cake.
Nesta had begun to move forward to join them. She found herself wanting to be a part of it. But stopped, when Cassian’s head snapped up. He meet her stare, then motioned her over to him.
She remained still. Now fearing that she would somehow mess it up.
Yet again, Cassian motioned her forward. This time, a taunt followed. “ You gonna let me have all the fun? Or are you too afraid of getting a little messy?” His grin was feral. It hit exactly where he wanted it to. So Nesta straightened herself and waltzed over. Her eyes never leaving Cassian’s. Those hazel eyes lit a fire in her. “ I knew that would get you over here.” he whispered next to her. Arrogant.
Both she and Cassian took a hand. Then Shoved their daughter’s hands into the cake on the count of three. Which, turned out, was all it took to get the ball rolling. Evie took one more second to stare before plunging into it again. Pushing, and pulling until its structure came apart. She marveled at her work. Nibbling at the cake between her fingers. She giggled as she watched the cake fall, completely defeated.
Nesta laughed with her. Licking off the icing that had grazed her fingers. She looked to Cassian. Surely he to beamed at the fierce little monster they created. But, instead, she found him looking at her. The world around them disappeared. Only she, Evie, and Cassian existed right now. Something deep within her mourned what could’ve been.
Everything came back when the sound of a polaroid clicked. Gwyn would capture this moment. Nesta wondered what the picture looked like. Anyone who saw it, would never know they weren’t a happy family.
Naturally, after the cake was gifts. Unlike before, there was no hesitation. Any paper in sight didn’t last long. Before it was mauled to shreds. Next to her, Evie kept the paper in a pile. Trophies, Nesta had assumed. Anyone who touched them received a stern look. Cassian named it her "Nesta is definitely my mom" look.
Azriel had given Evie a small playable piano, pink of course. Its attached seat was lined with soft fabric. Cassian had followed suit and decided that she needed a small drumset. To go with the piano. Neither of the instrument’s batteries were removable. Much to Nesta’s chagrin.
Nesta, Emerie, and Gwyn’s gifts were a bit more on the practical side. The pink wagon Evie mournfully cried for whenever they went on walks. Now sat in front of her. The seat inside it was currently occupied by the large stuffed pegasus from Gwyn. The colorful storybooks from Emerie sat further down. The new books also made Nesta happy. The same four books she read day in and day out to her daughter. Had lost their appeal two months ago. Some fresh material was due.
The party had fully died down soon after. Inside, Evie sat behind the small piano. Pressing random keys. Cassian was next to her on the drums. The groupies, Gwyn and Emerie sat in front of them on the couch clapping. Quite pleased with the concert. Nesta smiled for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She couldn’t keep them away.
Azriel insisted on gathering the trash. Holding the bag in his hand out of reach whenever Nesta tried to grab it. He then blocked her way to the kitchen when he started cleaning up the dishes.
Eventually, she had given up and retreated to the balcony. Watching the traffic below somehow helped her wind down. Something about the lights blending together relaxed her. Ever since she was a kid it had given her a sense of peace.
The door behind her slid open, and shut.
“ Getting some fresh air?” Azriel asked as he leaned next to her. His hands hanging over the railing. The jagged scars that ran across them stood out beneath the city lights. She nodded, “yeah, you?”
He shrugged, “ Partly, I also wanted to talk to you. Figured one on one would be best.” Her blood ran cold. Now would be the moment he told her. That any niceties had been for Evie and Cassian’s sake. Pushing her fear down all day had been like a constant game of whack a mole.
“ You’re not wearing your gloves.” She noted, wanting one last neutral interaction.
Azriel chuckled beside her. “ I see you’re as observant as ever. I was waiting for you to ask. Saw you notice it earlier. Do you know why I’m not wearing them?” His voice felt like a blanket fresh out the dryer. Warm, and welcoming. She didn’t understand. Why wasn’t he telling her how horrible she was? Where was the anger? Nesta’s insides churned. Something was amiss. It had to be.
She shrugged “ You forgot them at home?” Azriel shook his head. “ You’re smarter than that, c’mon think harder.”
“Because of Cassian and Evie. I mean they’re your family.”
A new emotion crossed Azriels face. One she hadn’t seen in a long time. Pain. “ Nesta, do you think I hate you?” Her silence was a confirmation. He sighed,
“ I don’t hate you. But, I don’t agree with how things played out.” His tone was gentle.“ However, there was wrong on both sides. Your and Cass’s relationship was disrespected. Just as you were disrespected. That never should’ve happened. I understand why you left. I just thought you’d be back in a few days. Everyone was worried.”
“ Everyone?” Nesta questioned. “ I find that hard to believe.”
After thinking for a second. Azriel corrected his statement. “ Mostly everyone, It’s true, some were far less concerned about your absence.” She didn’t need to ask who.
A feeling of relief washed over Nesta as he spoke though. He didn’t hate her. Even after what she had done. He didn’t hate her. The words that left her mouth next shocked her. “ After Evie was born. I mustered up the courage to show up at the building. I fully intended to tell Cassian. But, then I saw Rhys, and I ran.” Azriel became quiet, contemplative.
She turned quick enough to give herself whiplash. “ How could you know that?” her voice shook. There was only one way he could know that.
“ It wasn’t Rhys you saw in the hallway, Nesta.”
His words hit her like a train. “ By the time I caught up. You were already in your car. I figured you’d be back another day this time.” But, she wasn’t.
She gripped the railing tighter. “ I've made such a mess haven't I?” Azriel nodded.
“ You have. But, again, You didn't make it alone. It can’t be cleaned up alone either.”
In a rare moment, Azriel reached for her hand. His grip was warm and comforting. “ You have people on your side. That want to help you work through this. You have me, and Cassian. But, if you allow them in. You’d also have Feyre, and Elain. They still miss you. Also, as strange as this sounds. Rhysand is in your corner too.” Nesta laughed, pulling her hand away.“ You had me until that last one.” She turned to go inside. When his hand caught her arm. Pulling her back.
“ I’m being serious. I wouldn’t lie to you. A lot has happened since you left.” His words rang true. But, that truth could’ve been anything. Nesta leaned more to it being his perceived truth.
“ I’ll have to see it for myself.” His hand fell from her arm. “ That’s all I can ask for.”
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